God is teaching me many lessons here in Little Rock. Lately, He's been teaching me a lesson I didn't know I needed to learn.
The lesson is about how I view myself. This past week I've realized that I don't often view myself through God's eyes, that is rightly, but instead I view myself through my dad's eyes.
My biological dad died when I was five. My mom remarried when I was seven and her husband adopted me and my brother and sister when I was nine. He was really the only dad I ever knew.
The way he viewed me was as a burden. As too loud, too blunt, too truthful. I soon learned to keep out of his way. I never felt accepted by him. As I entered my teenage years, our relationship remained tumultuous. But I never wanted to be a victim, and when I was nineteen God granted me the grace to forgive him. I mean, really forgive him.
However, lately I've realized that there is still some hurt there, wounds that God needs to heal. I don't really want to address them. I'd rather ignore them, and go on with my life. I don't want to dwell.
In the past several years, since my mom and dad divorced due to his continued emotional and mental abuse and infidelity, my mom has reminded me about certain ways he abused me. I can't even remember them. Could I really have blocked out so much?
I figured it would be best for those memories to stay buried. I don't want to re-hash the past, but recently they've kept me from experiencing the fullness I have in Christ. I can't accept other people's acceptance of me, as strange as that sounds, because I am quite suspicious of it for one thing, and for another, I don't feel like I could possible deserve it.
Not that I do. Not that I deserve anything, however, I know that in Christ I am accepted, regardless of what I do or don't do. What? That is so strange to me. I've been trying to earn love all of my life.
I think God wants to heal my heart, but it's painful to face the lies I've been believing for so many years. And yet, I'm asking that God heals my heart and continues to replace all those lies with His truth about who I am in Christ: accepted, loved, forgiven, welcomed. I want to be able to give and (more difficult for me) accept love.
Isn't it funny how easily we believe lies about God, and consequently, ourselves? What lies are you believing? And how does what God has done in Christ Jesus combat those lies? How does the gospel make a difference in your life?
And...just when we think we truly see ourselves as Christ sees us, we find ourselves doing things to win approval, which we believe is the the closest thing we can get to love. We try so hard to please others, and get disappointed when they don't appreciate it or even notice. We feel exhausted by trying so hard to protect ourselves from anything that can cause us to feel bad about ourselves. We feel anxious, afraid, alone, defeated. We have become masters at masking our hurt. People would be surprised if they knew how fragile our egos are.
ReplyDeleteI have shed many tears over the loss of the innocence I deserved as a child...the presence of fear, instead of safety...rejection instead of acceptance...walking on eggshells instead of being held in strong loving arms.
But despite our insecurties, we have become creative, witty and intelligent adults. We express ourselves in unique ways. Our desire to make sense of our lives compels us, more than most, to find purpose and meaning and significance.
And it is this quest that has caused us and led us, by His grace, to Him. Because here we have finally found perfect love, the love we have been craving our entire lives.
And we bring all our burdens to Him. We lay our hurt and pain at the foot of the Cross. It is His death, His sacrifice, His atonement for our sin that allows us to be one with God. We are transformed by the power of the Holy Spirt. We are a new creation and we can now experience the abundant life we were intended to have. And we have life eternal.
And this powerful, life changing love has driven us to share this truth with others...with children, God's precious treasures who so easliy accept His truth.
And we continue on our journey of healing as we share His love. As we minister to His children, He ministers to us.
At times we doubt the truth we teach. As we tell children they can trust God, we are reminded that we don't always trust Him. We tell them that God knows their hearts; their imperfections, their weakness, their sin, yet He loves them and sees them as perfect treasures, created in His image.
And, through the power of the Spirit, this truth penetrates our broken hearts and we find comfort and the peace that passes all understanding. We can find rest in Him when we quiet our hearts, and bask in His Word. It is there we find our hope.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah: 29:13,14
I love you, Jeanne
the same difficulty accepting and believing in His love...a love that is the most intimate, personal, and life changing.
He know full well of our insecurites. It is no surprise to Him. He has been by our side all along. He was right there beside us as little girls with broken hearts.
Yet, we shall always battle the temptation of seeing ourselves as unworthy. And we know that this battle is not of flesh and blood. If God is for us, who can be against us? It is crucial that we believe our God.
For the record, I had a daddy who loved and cherished me. But I still grew up feeling not good enough and unworthy...because my wonderful dad is an achiever and wanted me to be, too. So I imagined God also looking through all my A's and saying, "What's that B doing there?" Lol--I could NEVER live up. It's been an epiphany after 50 years to finally start getting that my Heavenly Father delights in me. Your musing is right on target for more people than you know!
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