Some other beginning's end...

I am marching resolutely (or not, as the case sometimes is) toward the end of this season in my life. Now I know that an ending is only the beginning of something else, even death is only the beginning of eternity, but endings for me have always been difficult. This particular season in my life has been so sweet that it is hard to let it go, but the inner restlessness which I have been experiencing for quite awhile now assures me that with this new adventure I am headed in the right direction.

And it is an adventure. As I was considering moving to Little Rock in order to serve full-time with Child Evangelism Fellowship I consulted my family. The female population of my family began to point out all the potential risks involved and as I listened I became more and more convinced that this was a "bad idea". In fact, most women with whom I've shared my plan consider it a "bad idea". One lady from my church actually started crying when I told her about it. Yes, my female friends (mostly) are full of caution and concern.

However, when I told my brother about the opportunity he was all for it. When my resolve began to waver he told me that I had better keep up my end of the deal. The deal was, I told God, that if He opened the doors I would walk right through. In hindsight I probably would have taken the cautious advice of the women in my life if it hadn't been for those piercing words. I'm glad I didn't take their advice, well-intentioned though it was, because this has already been an exciting adventure as I've seen God's hand leading and guiding me through the entire process.

I never thought I would be considering full-time service with CEF again. I bailed (which is exactly the right word) after a few years with this organization and I knew then, as I know now, that God wasn't finished with the work He started in me during my time with CEF. I ran anyway. I ran as far and as fast as I could and it was only a few years ago that I realized my grave mistake. I still remember sitting bereft in a stairwell as my two best friends tried to console me. I wondered if God could, or would, restore the years that I had allowed the locust to eat. God began a work in my heart that night stemming from my true brokenness. The work has continued in various ways during the past few years, but seriously ya'll (I'm just practicing!), I never imagined that the call would come again for full-time service. Not until a month ago.

If you're reading this you know the story, so I won't bother to recount it here, but I will say that I am amazed at the patience of God with which He waits until we, by His grace, get back in step with Him. Over the last few weeks I have been impressed with two things: God has a purpose for my life and it will be accomplished (so don't bother running - it takes too long!) and a burning desire to fully be what God has made me to be. As I see it, God has given me three distinction in my life so far: Christ-follower, woman (daughter, sister, friend go along with this distinction), and, for this season in my life, missionary.

I don't know how long this season of being a missionary will last. Tentatively only a year, and, of course, the time it takes to raise support. I have wrestled with Him about this. I don't want to be a missionary my whole life, or rather more to the point, a single missionary my whole life. Yes, God and I have wrestled about this issue and, as always, He won. I know that if I want to save my life (or anything precious), I have to lose it first, and maybe, finally, forever. It's a sobering thought for me, but frankly, just a part of counting the cost and to gain Christ, no price is too high to pay.

That's why I've entitled this blog Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I am reluctant mainly because I don't know what's ahead and it scares me, and yet, I don't know what's ahead and it delights me. I find this duality in all of life and I figure I've wasted enough time being who I'm not and as a by-product, missing the tremendous blessings that God had/has for me (I trust that He's been saving them for me, just like the Prodigal Son). My hope is that the title won't turn you off.

But my greatest hope is this: that God would get the glory He so richly deserves from my life, and this small part of my life: Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I want to leave you with this exhortation from the Psalms:

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.

Amen, and amen.