Goodbyes

This weekend's big event was my little sister's high school graduation. The St. Charles County Home Educators like to celebrate with not a little pomp and circumstance and the ceremony was quite serious. As you can imagine, about halfway through the festivities I got a little antsy and began a quest to make Sarah laugh as she sat among the fifty or so other graduates on stage. My mission was successful as I saw her hiding a smile behind her hand. Sarah and I are pictured below after she was officially deemed a high school graduate. Funny, I remember the day she was born!


Anyway, I guess I have to be a little more careful about my antics as one of the homeschooling moms at our church (and mother of one of this year's CYIAers) caught me in the hall in church on Sunday and told me she noticed my little show from her vantage point in the seat behind me. My only plea was the fact that everyone was way too serious and, for pity sakes', it was only high school, and also, didn't she think they had such a long way to go? She laughed and her husband beside her looked as if he quite agreed with me. I like them. They're from the East Coast.

I enjoyed my weekend way too much as today I am so tired my eyes hurt! I am, however, glad to be back to the routines of work. The pleasures of a long weekend would be greatly diminished if there was no work from which to rest! It was hard saying goodbye to a few of my kids this afternoon. Tomorrow is our last official day together, but some of them left the program today. A little kindergartner would not stop hugging me on her way out the door and I had to pry her off of me and tell her she must stop hugging me or "Miss Jeanne will start crying". Most of them know I won't be back next year and my ego is pleased that they all seem disappointed. I don't know how I got so attached to this particular set of kids so fast (or they to me), but I sure did.

Well, there is always more to be said but enough is a good as a feast. Goodnight!

Sinners and Ice Cream

I'm sitting in my cubicle at the CEF office, silently willing the clock to move faster. Only a few more hours and I can officially start my weekend. Yesterday morning at 6:15 I was in the local market picking up gallons of ice cream and ice cream cones for this afternoon. It's ice cream day at school and the kids will be wildly excited, especially since they have no idea.

I like to do things like that every once in awhile just see the delighted expressions on their funny little faces. I am becoming more and more convinced that children are sinners. I mean, theologically I knew they were, but now I know experimentally. I keep telling my little charges what bad kids they are. I don't think they quite believe me though, and it seems my pronouncement of their vileness does little to dissuade them from the right belief that I still love them in spite of it. This is probably a good thing.

I wonder what kind of parent I will make? Probably a really poor one. As I experience more of God the Father I can't help but compare my faulty "parenting" style with His perfect one. For one thing, I am not patient, and I find I have to constantly remind myself to temper my discipline with gentleness. We all need a little (or a lot) of mercy sometimes and, what do you know, a gentle answer really does turn away wrath. They are still sinners, and they need Jesus to change their evil little hearts, but my responses are getting better (I hope) and in return, their responses are better. I pray that Jesus saves each one of them, though; behavior modification only works up to a certain point.

Anyway, we need ice cream today, like nobody's business. It's hot as a mug here (what does that expression even mean?) and with only one and a half more days of school left, we need a diversion if we're going to make it to the end. So ice cream, a few dozen hugs, probably some tears and fights and "Miss Jeanne, he took my legos!", and then, goodbyes, and have a nice weekend, and walking out the door, and freedom!

Lesser Things

Good news: this week does appear, finally, to have an ending. I am looking forward to the weekend with anticipation. I came across this quote today and felt inclined to share. No one says it better than Pipes!

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity."

John Piper

Oh, the temptation to waste life on lesser things. I look forward to glorifying God now and in all eternity by enjoying Him for Himself and in the gifts He has given. Like salvation through Jesus alone, and the weekend!

This week...

...will never end!

Life-changing

I just finished listening to some audio that was truly life-changing.

I wish I could say something, anything, to convey my thoughts about it, but whatever I said would sound trite and unimportant.

Give it a listen and you will quickly understand.

Odds and Ends

Our garden is growing! I feel guilty that I haven't been over to Edwardsville to check on it since we first planted it some weeks ago. It seems that Karen is doing a good job caring for it though. Every time I see Aaron he asks me "how's the garden doing" as if I live right down the street from Karen instead of from him. It's a bit annoying, actually. So, Aaron, now you know how the garden is doing. As far as I know though, we are still gnome-less.

In other news, I'm almost done setting up the last 5-day Clubs for the summer. I'm just waiting to hear back from Nathan at the YMCA. I wish he would hurry up. I can't wait to post all seven full weeks of clubs on the wall of my cubicle, pump my arm in victory, and immediately receive a phone call from a club hostess saying that she has to cancel due to an unforeseen emergency. Ah, the unpredictability of summer ministry.

I am currently contemplating summer travel plans. I sort of want to head south and scope out Little Rock before I become a resident of that fine city, and I keep meaning to visit Adrienne, located somewhere deep in the heart of Texas, and witness her marital bliss firsthand, but have yet to actually do it. I also made tenative plans to go to Chicago with Karen and visit all the museums there. Joanna, Amanda, and I were planning a trip there (are planning a trip there?) this summer but I know they won't go to the museums with me. I know this because when I asked Joanna about it she made a rude noise which, when translated means, "yeah, right".

Today at work one of my co-workers was singing a song about Helen Keller and her hips (your guess is as good as mine) and my other co-worker Joe (love him!) said "get away from me, Helen Keller, you're grossing me out!" I couldn't stop laughing. There was just something about a soon-to-be journalist saying the phrase "you're grossing me out" that struck me as highly hilarious. Maybe you had to be there, or maybe you have to know Joe, or maybe you have to work with a bazillion crazy kids all day to get the hilarity of this moment. It were funny (grammatical error intended).

I think that's all the news to be had around here. I keep meaning to brew a cup of Irish Breakfast tea and finally, finally, sit down and finish reading the Lewis book. It still hasn't happened. The box of tea sits forlornly in the cupboard, unopened, and the book stares up at my from my bedside table every time I enter the room. It is angry about being neglected for so long. Sometimes I pick it up and carry it downstairs, meaning to crack open its pages and read, but something inevitably distracts me. This only serves to fuel its anger. I expect a mutiny pretty soon; Lewis will not be ignored forever.

Time for bed. I know this because I'm giving inanimate objects personalities. Again.

Goodnight!

Rebellion and Joy

This past week has been a hard one for me, probably due to the fact that I've been living in rebellion against God. It is mostly difficult for me to accept the fact that I am a slave to Christ, so set am I on my own ways. At times I feel like Israel, rebellious from my youth. I probably feel this way because I am this way. I have been avoiding God because I don't want to deal with the areas He keeps pointing out to me. As the song says "I know just what You say to me that's why I don't ask You..." I have been avoiding my Bible and I find no comfort in prayer. I have lived with a terrible sense of uneasiness all week.

I know that God is my true Home, and walking in His purposes for me will bring me true joy. I know this, I have experienced it, so why do I long for earthly comfort and pleasure? Why am I willing to forfeit my soul to have these lesser things? I am truly a foolish child, intent on rushing headlong into destruction. Oh, but God is a gracious Father, and He tenderly reminds me of His goodness and past (and present) faithfulness. Suddenly those lesser things lose their importance and seem to be just that - lesser.

This morning in church the offertory that was played was an unfamiliar tune. I turned in my bulletin to find out the name: "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go". Although I didn't know the tune, I did know the words and they reverberated in my heart:

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in they oceans depth its flow
May richer, fuller be.

Last night as I brushed my teeth my mind replayed the sin that I knew needed to be confessed and repented of. As often happens when God brings this sin to mind, the thought "it's just so hard..." (hard to relinquish, hard to give up) popped into my mind. I had the sudden realization that this thought wasn't my own, but instead it was Satan trying to persuade me to continue in rebellion by bring up just how difficult it was to submit to God on this issue. It is hard, but I realized that, by God's grace, instead of saying "it's so hard", I could instead say, "it is my joy" (a joy to relinquish, a joy to obey).

I'm working on giving my life to God that it "may richer, fuller be". I struggle to remember that my Heavenly Father isn't interested in obedience for obedience's sake though. Instead He is interested in the source of my obedience, my heart. I often find myself in the midst of rebellion when I obey only out of a sense of duty, and not out of love, a love that finds it's ultimate source in God's love for me. I have a gracious Father who is interested in my heart. It seems that it would be a good idea to trust a Love like that and relinquish - gladly - what He asks of me. Actually, I think that's the key: gladness. Perhaps He gently pursues me until I am glad to give what He asks.

I pray this coming week will find me obeying with a glad heart. I want that richer, fuller life (and I can't help pointing out that this desire, so far removed from any goodness found in me, is the outworking of the new heart God promises to each one of His children. Yay, Jesus!) and I know that it can only be found in the purposes of God for me. Purposes much different than I would chose, true, but completely perfect for me. In Psalm 16 it says "their sorrows will be multiplied who hasten after other gods". This I have found to be true. The verse then goes onto say "their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, not take up their names on my lips" and by the grace of God, I'm trusting that this will also be true of my life, not only in the coming week, but for all eternity.

Vent

I'm so stressed out this week, and today I am super cranky. I just walked into the CEF office to find piles of work on my desk that weren't there yesterday when I left. I really don't have time to write anything on here, but I wanted to vent just a little. I thought this would be easier, but it isn't. I've been crying out to God to change my heart and give me the grace to obey regardless of how I feel. On days like this my brother reminds me that being a Christian doesn't exempt me from my humanity. Sometimes I get a bad attitude because I think it should. Psalm 16 is my meditation today. It is so easy when I am stressed out to reach for physical, solid things to comfort me. It is such a struggle to keep my eyes on the Unseen and have faith that at His right hand there really are pleasures forevermore.

Grace

I'm really grateful today for my best friend, Joanna. We have been friends for an astonishing twenty years. Last year we moved into a townhouse together, and looking back I'm so glad she invited me to join her and I'm so glad I accepted! At the end of the month I move back home ("back home" - such a relative term) for a few months before I move to Little Rock and I will miss her. A lot.

When we signed the lease last May I didn't realize that God would be moving me again this soon and this far away. I think the last year has been His gift to me and Joanna. I have enjoyed it thoroughly, even more so now that I know I won't see her regularly for at least a year and maybe longer (she absolutely refuses to move to Little Rock with me. Lame!).

Today we took a mini road trip for a friend's baby shower. On the way back home Joanna was engaged in not only driving , but also talking to our mutual friend, Adrienne, on the phone. I quickly got bored (I brought a book to read but lost my highlighter, and so I was rendered ineffective, as we all know I can't read without a highlighter) and so I began to snap pictures with my phone.


Joanna driving and talking. At one point she said "oh man, I'm going eighty!" This morning we were running late and I told her she had to drive as my conscience will not allow me to speed. It will, however, allow Joanna to.


The view from my rear view mirror. We had to go literally to the ends of the earth for this baby shower. Google Maps led us on a wild goose chase in order to find our location. In the end we were careening crazily along this little country road where we almost had a head-on collision with another car. Joanna began to yell and I meekly pointed out that she had been driving in the middle of the road. She told me to shut up.


"Life is a highway! I want to drive it all night long!" I started singing this as Joanna and Adrienne chatted away. I was sad because I wasn't getting the proper attention I deserved. Joanna gave me a vaguely threatening look. I ignored her and started...


SUPER MODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR! I took a few pictures of Joanna and the road, but mostly of me. No one is surprised.



Finally home! This place has been the scene of so many happy and funny memories which I'm sure my children (and Joanna's children) will enjoy hearing about. "Did I ever tell you about the time Aunt Joanna..."

Oh yes, I'm going to miss my best friend when I move to Arkansas. I've been thinking about grace a lot lately and about how nearly every day I have cause to thank God for the grace that He's shown me by placing Joanna in my life. I told her once that I was going to name one of my little girls after her - Joanna Grace - because that's what I think about every time I think of Joanna: grace. Grace is what she's shown me through the years of our friendship and that's what God has shown me through her - unusual (I think) grace.

So, Joanna, I know you don't read this blog (Joanna: I don't want to read your blog. I live with you! Why would I want to read about what I'm experiencing?!) but one day you may, and I hope you stumble across this post and a) feel bad for how mean you've been to me by mocking this blog, and b) know how much I love you and how profoundly grateful I am for your friendship.

A Man with a Southern Accent

Yesterday was a crazy day.

My car decided it wouldn't go another mile without some rather expensive maintenance (although today it is humming along quite nicely, sort of smugly actually, as if it had got one over on me) and that, on top of a few other out-of-the-ordinary things, served to throw off my groove. Today, however, I am grooving along quite nicely, rather like my car, sort of smug, in fact. There is a certain pleasure derived from a job well done, or perhaps I should say, a job you can do well.

Yes, today has been a peaceful day. I've even had a few minutes of time to devote to on-line reading. I found this article particularly interesting. Next to Mark Driscoll or John Piper, Joel Osteen never ceases to amaze and delight me. For all the wrong reasons, of course. I'm sure he's a delightful man, his accent is highly charming for one thing (who can resist a man with Southern accent?), but his theology is...well, damaging. I think the article does a good job of alerting the Church to the covert heresies found in such a - dare I say it - gospel.

What do you think?

Top Ten

On top of current activities I feel a responsibility to update my blog for all those who actually read it (thanks Karen!). This may or may not be a good time to pull out a famed Top Ten List which my friends and I are so fond of creating. Bored on a road trip? Top Ten List! Wedding speech? Top Ten List (although that one didn't work out quite so well as all of the McDonald's Canadian relatives thought I was a lesbian. True story!)! Just about any major life event? Top Ten List! What's to stop me from creating a Top Ten List in order to keep my readers (Karen) happy? Not one thing. So, without further ado...

Top Ten Things I'm Currently Doing (it's a working title)

10. Reading the last book of C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy. I love it! The dialogue is fantastic. In fact, I wish I were reading it right now.

9. Picking grass out of my hair. Today at work the kids decided to shower me with grass and clover; it was fun for them and me. Today was a perfect day to sit in the grass and just...be.

8. Eating delicious leftover cheesy green beans. Sounds gross, right? I know, I thought the same thing until Joanna made them for me and Nicole for Saturday Night Dinner. Mm, delish!

7. Missing my co-worker, Betsy. She had to go back home to Maine for the summer. Stupid Maine! Now there's no one to keep me relatively sane during the early morning hours or to listen to all of my outrageous stories.

6. Thinking about how I need to get my tires aligned. This is actually important. Today I thought I might be shaken to death as I drove from the CEF office to school.

5. Reading Isaiah. Is it okay to skip all the woes of the upcoming Babylon captivity in chapters 1-36 and just go straight to the good parts of 37-66? I'm thinking about it.

4. Praying for changed hearts. I want the infinite worth of Jesus to be valued in people around me. I want them to really, really love Jesus. Not church Jesus, gospel Jesus.

3. Praying that my life would reflect the infinite worth of Jesus. It's like God is saying "you really want them to value Me above everything else? Is that what you really want? Okay, you first." This comes with a variety of things I don't want and the withholding of a variety of things I do.

2. Digging my summer job with CEF. Today was the first official day and it went surprisingly smoothly. Tomorrow I get to clean up the big mess I made today in the storage closet. I am not a little bit excited. I love summer ministry!

1. Looking forward to bedtime. The month of May will be full of twelve hour days between my regular job and my summer job with CEF. If I can only hold out until May 27th then I will have more than one or two minutes to string together. However, I can't think of a better place than where I am now...

Bonus: I am currently conducting research on Little Rock (you don't think I'd forget why this blog actually exists, do you?). I will update you on all of my findings presently. This morning a little girl in my program passed her official verdict on Little Rock based on family reunions held in that great city : booooooring. I'm going to pretend she's just biased, and 9, which she is, so...she's probably right!