Rebellion and Joy

This past week has been a hard one for me, probably due to the fact that I've been living in rebellion against God. It is mostly difficult for me to accept the fact that I am a slave to Christ, so set am I on my own ways. At times I feel like Israel, rebellious from my youth. I probably feel this way because I am this way. I have been avoiding God because I don't want to deal with the areas He keeps pointing out to me. As the song says "I know just what You say to me that's why I don't ask You..." I have been avoiding my Bible and I find no comfort in prayer. I have lived with a terrible sense of uneasiness all week.

I know that God is my true Home, and walking in His purposes for me will bring me true joy. I know this, I have experienced it, so why do I long for earthly comfort and pleasure? Why am I willing to forfeit my soul to have these lesser things? I am truly a foolish child, intent on rushing headlong into destruction. Oh, but God is a gracious Father, and He tenderly reminds me of His goodness and past (and present) faithfulness. Suddenly those lesser things lose their importance and seem to be just that - lesser.

This morning in church the offertory that was played was an unfamiliar tune. I turned in my bulletin to find out the name: "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go". Although I didn't know the tune, I did know the words and they reverberated in my heart:

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in they oceans depth its flow
May richer, fuller be.

Last night as I brushed my teeth my mind replayed the sin that I knew needed to be confessed and repented of. As often happens when God brings this sin to mind, the thought "it's just so hard..." (hard to relinquish, hard to give up) popped into my mind. I had the sudden realization that this thought wasn't my own, but instead it was Satan trying to persuade me to continue in rebellion by bring up just how difficult it was to submit to God on this issue. It is hard, but I realized that, by God's grace, instead of saying "it's so hard", I could instead say, "it is my joy" (a joy to relinquish, a joy to obey).

I'm working on giving my life to God that it "may richer, fuller be". I struggle to remember that my Heavenly Father isn't interested in obedience for obedience's sake though. Instead He is interested in the source of my obedience, my heart. I often find myself in the midst of rebellion when I obey only out of a sense of duty, and not out of love, a love that finds it's ultimate source in God's love for me. I have a gracious Father who is interested in my heart. It seems that it would be a good idea to trust a Love like that and relinquish - gladly - what He asks of me. Actually, I think that's the key: gladness. Perhaps He gently pursues me until I am glad to give what He asks.

I pray this coming week will find me obeying with a glad heart. I want that richer, fuller life (and I can't help pointing out that this desire, so far removed from any goodness found in me, is the outworking of the new heart God promises to each one of His children. Yay, Jesus!) and I know that it can only be found in the purposes of God for me. Purposes much different than I would chose, true, but completely perfect for me. In Psalm 16 it says "their sorrows will be multiplied who hasten after other gods". This I have found to be true. The verse then goes onto say "their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, not take up their names on my lips" and by the grace of God, I'm trusting that this will also be true of my life, not only in the coming week, but for all eternity.