I just had all of my plans for the next few months turned completely upside down and something that I was really looking forward to taken away in two seconds.
It's hard to process death, especially when it happens so rapidly. Sometimes God works slowly over months and years, and sometimes He rips your world apart in a matter of moments.
It's easy to say "yes, I will lay it down for your Kingdom, for the ministry that You've called me to", but it's hard to live with the consequences of that "yes".
I just finished asking "why". Why did You take that away from me? You know how much it meant to me. You know how much I was looking forward to it. It was literally giving me the will to live through the next few difficult months.
And therein the problem lies. I was putting a lot of hope in this certain event. And my hope had been steadily building through the last few days. And it was like God was asking in me that "why" moment how much I loved Him, and was I willing to lay down my life for His Kingdom, His agenda, and His purposes.
I love when God asks you if you love Him, and then asks you to prove it. He asks if I will be lower so He can be higher, poorer so He can be richer, disappointed and thwarted so His purposes can come to pass in my life and the life of others.
I know that God will bring good out of this disappointment. I know that this plan is better than the other, but it is still painful, still a death. And believe me, I am mourning it.
I wish that God would give me what I want all the time because I hate pain, and this is painful. BUT, in this death is a chance for life. What's that old hymn? "I'll live for Him, who died for me, how HAPPY then my life will be..." I may not have what I thought I wanted, needed, and had to have, but I know that God is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And He gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
I know I would rather have Him send trial after trial, but give spiritual life and vitality (eyes to see and ears to hear), then to leave me alone with everything I want (an easy life, financial security, a husband and children), but spiritually destitute.
It's so hard to put this process into words, but it's like a broadening. Everytime God asks me to die to myself, He gives the grace to enjoy Him a little bit more, to comprehend more of His goodness, to appreciate His infinite worth a little more. My soul broadens, but it costs. It is not an easy yes.
Pray for me. Pray for the courage to answer yes, even when it costs me everything I have, because this I know for certain: He IS worth it.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Stuffed
"If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great."
— John Piper, from A Hunger for God
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. - Philippians 3:8a
My soul is so easily stuffed with small things. I don't count all things as loss. Lord, forgive me for living a life that contradicts what I confess with my mouth.
— John Piper, from A Hunger for God
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. - Philippians 3:8a
My soul is so easily stuffed with small things. I don't count all things as loss. Lord, forgive me for living a life that contradicts what I confess with my mouth.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Forgiveness
Forgiveness. It's easy to accept, but hard to give. And I'm really having a problem with it right now. Every time I try to forgive, all the issues come to the surface and I think "I cannot believe they did that to me!" or "how dare they! They need to pay!" It's hard to be gracious and forgiving when all you want to do is punch someone in the face.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want this party to pay. To suffer like I did. I'm not ready to forgive their sorry behind or put the mess behind me. I want compensation for my suffering.
And have you ever noticed that it so much harder to forgive your brother or sister in Christ? Shouldn't they know better, we reason? But God saves the most unlikely people (just look at yourself) with seemingly the worse behavioral and social problems. It takes grace and hard work to forgive.
When those thoughts of anger and revenge come boiling up, it's hard to squash them and choose to forgive instead. To not count their wrongs against them. To choose forgiveness rather than revenge. It's an almost pleasant experience to ruminate on another party's sins. Sort of self-justifying, as though you're saying "sure, I'm bad. But nothing compared to so-and-so, that jerk-face!"
It is hard to operate in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, because, frankly, the flesh comes so much easier. I am still having trouble forgiving someone who recently wounded me. I want to lick my wounds and plot my revenge, but I know that's not what God did with me. He overcame my sin and rebellion toward Him at great cost to Himself. Why do I think it would be any different for me?
Forgiveness is not cheap. It is costly to the one who must forgive the other person's offense. I wish I didn't have to forgive. I wish my life were rainbows and butterflies and I skipped hand-in-hand down the street with everyone I met, just singing a happy song. But the reality is that I live in a sin-sick world, where everyone, including me, needs to forgive and be forgiven.
Forgiveness is a chance to be like my Savior. To taste in small part how offensive my sins are to a holy God, how hurtful, and damaging, and estranging (how is that a word? Oh well, spell-check let it go), and how costly forgiveness really is.
Would you pray for me? I don't want to be angry or unforgiving, but it is so hard to for me to forgive right now. I'm still a little hurt and angry by the actions of this other person. I spoke with a mentor about it and she told me "it's okay to admit to the other person that you're still working on forgiving them". So yeah, I'm still working on forgiving them. Pray for the grace to complete it.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want this party to pay. To suffer like I did. I'm not ready to forgive their sorry behind or put the mess behind me. I want compensation for my suffering.
And have you ever noticed that it so much harder to forgive your brother or sister in Christ? Shouldn't they know better, we reason? But God saves the most unlikely people (just look at yourself) with seemingly the worse behavioral and social problems. It takes grace and hard work to forgive.
When those thoughts of anger and revenge come boiling up, it's hard to squash them and choose to forgive instead. To not count their wrongs against them. To choose forgiveness rather than revenge. It's an almost pleasant experience to ruminate on another party's sins. Sort of self-justifying, as though you're saying "sure, I'm bad. But nothing compared to so-and-so, that jerk-face!"
It is hard to operate in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, because, frankly, the flesh comes so much easier. I am still having trouble forgiving someone who recently wounded me. I want to lick my wounds and plot my revenge, but I know that's not what God did with me. He overcame my sin and rebellion toward Him at great cost to Himself. Why do I think it would be any different for me?
Forgiveness is not cheap. It is costly to the one who must forgive the other person's offense. I wish I didn't have to forgive. I wish my life were rainbows and butterflies and I skipped hand-in-hand down the street with everyone I met, just singing a happy song. But the reality is that I live in a sin-sick world, where everyone, including me, needs to forgive and be forgiven.
Forgiveness is a chance to be like my Savior. To taste in small part how offensive my sins are to a holy God, how hurtful, and damaging, and estranging (how is that a word? Oh well, spell-check let it go), and how costly forgiveness really is.
Would you pray for me? I don't want to be angry or unforgiving, but it is so hard to for me to forgive right now. I'm still a little hurt and angry by the actions of this other person. I spoke with a mentor about it and she told me "it's okay to admit to the other person that you're still working on forgiving them". So yeah, I'm still working on forgiving them. Pray for the grace to complete it.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Plastic Pop Beads
God keeps slapping me in the face with Mark 8:35: "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."
It's been over a year now since that verse got stuck in my devotional craw. I think this means that the truth of it hasn't sunk in enough to actually change my heart; God has to keep bringing me back to it until I learn the lesson.
Today I made a list of everything that I fear this verse might mean in my life. All the things that I fear God could, is, will call me to give up for His sake. It was a depressing list. It filled me dread.
But it was also freeing. All of the best things in life are nothing compared to Christ and the surpassing worth of knowing Him. That is the truth.
Big things, little things, He wants them all. He wants all of me, my dearest treasures, my fondest hopes. He wants me to bow my knee to the truth that He is better than any of those things and by faith live out the consequences of this belief. He wants me to put my hope in Him.
I read this story today and I wanted to share. It's from a transcript of a message given at Urbana 1984 by Joanne Shetler.
"I will never forget the story of the little girl whose daddy had given her some plastic pop beads. Now they were poor but she loved her daddy. And so she loved those beads. She wore them everywhere. She wore them to church; she wore them to school; she wore them to bed. She never took her beads off. They were the thing she loved most. One day her daddy came home, and asked her for those little beads back. She was incredulous. He asked again, and she got tears in her eyes. He asked a third time, and she was torn. She couldn't understand. Why is this? She loved those beads. She loved her daddy. Finally, sobbing, she took off her beads and put them in her daddy's hand. And then, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a string of real pearls and put them around her neck."
What is getting in the way of truly knowing Him and making Him my treasure? What are the plastic pop beads of my life? I've made a list, although, undoubtedly I'll have different priorities at different times of my life. I will constantly have to lay my treasures down.
But, amazingly, I want to. I want to show others the surpassing worth of Jesus by not making the things of this world my treasure. It's hard, of course, because everything worthwhile is costly. But it is worth it. God's Word testifies to this truth, and so do countless Christians before and beside me. And I want to be one of those who have counted it all loss, and found riches untold at the foot of Jesus.
Pearls for my pop beads.
It's been over a year now since that verse got stuck in my devotional craw. I think this means that the truth of it hasn't sunk in enough to actually change my heart; God has to keep bringing me back to it until I learn the lesson.
Today I made a list of everything that I fear this verse might mean in my life. All the things that I fear God could, is, will call me to give up for His sake. It was a depressing list. It filled me dread.
But it was also freeing. All of the best things in life are nothing compared to Christ and the surpassing worth of knowing Him. That is the truth.
Big things, little things, He wants them all. He wants all of me, my dearest treasures, my fondest hopes. He wants me to bow my knee to the truth that He is better than any of those things and by faith live out the consequences of this belief. He wants me to put my hope in Him.
I read this story today and I wanted to share. It's from a transcript of a message given at Urbana 1984 by Joanne Shetler.
"I will never forget the story of the little girl whose daddy had given her some plastic pop beads. Now they were poor but she loved her daddy. And so she loved those beads. She wore them everywhere. She wore them to church; she wore them to school; she wore them to bed. She never took her beads off. They were the thing she loved most. One day her daddy came home, and asked her for those little beads back. She was incredulous. He asked again, and she got tears in her eyes. He asked a third time, and she was torn. She couldn't understand. Why is this? She loved those beads. She loved her daddy. Finally, sobbing, she took off her beads and put them in her daddy's hand. And then, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a string of real pearls and put them around her neck."
What is getting in the way of truly knowing Him and making Him my treasure? What are the plastic pop beads of my life? I've made a list, although, undoubtedly I'll have different priorities at different times of my life. I will constantly have to lay my treasures down.
But, amazingly, I want to. I want to show others the surpassing worth of Jesus by not making the things of this world my treasure. It's hard, of course, because everything worthwhile is costly. But it is worth it. God's Word testifies to this truth, and so do countless Christians before and beside me. And I want to be one of those who have counted it all loss, and found riches untold at the foot of Jesus.
Pearls for my pop beads.
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