The Reluctant Missionary

Dear Friends,

Sometimes I just want to chuck it all, load my things into the car, and hightail it back to Missouri. There are some days I feel really discouraged and alone, just me in the CEF office, the missionary that time forgot.

Listen, I know how truly bratty and self-centered that sounds. I do. But it doesn't stop me from thinking it and feeling it. Oh, the feelings that come from such a deceitful heart as mine.

This month I have done more pouting than praying. I think about all my friends at home going about their business, happily oblivious of ME suffering all ALONE on the MISSION FIELD. Yeah, I know. I'm ridiculous.

I am a little bit prone to depression. I know this about myself and usually I can deal with it by telling myself that "this too shall pass". And it always does. Also, I knew before I moved to Little Rock how truly depressing and lonely the mission field can be at times. I am not new to this party. Sometimes I see all the little newbie missionaries entering the field so excited and hyped up and I think rather cynically "oh, just you wait..."

Well, this blog isn't entitled "Confessions of a Super Happy Missionary", now is it? No, it is not.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my head this past month. I have almost been in Little Rock for six months now. There are some days when I really, really love this city and the people here. And there are some days when I just want to sleep (classic depression) and eat carbs (I have gained a good ten pounds since Christmas. This cannot continue).

Before I came onto the field the mission board that interviewed me asked me how I was going to cope when things got tough. I rather smugly replied "trust in God's sovereignty", "of course", I added in my head, "I'm a Calvinist for pity sakes". I could tell they were impressed.

But you know what's NOT impressive? That now, six months later I am NOT trusting in God's sovereignty. Last night I looked up an article regarding depression on my favorite counseling website CCEF (check it out!). I wanted pity and a good excuse to be depressed. I got this instead, in an article by Ed Welsh:

The other path (isolated independence) is the more common one, even among Christians. Even if you believe that God has revealed himself to you in Jesus Christ, it doesn’t seem to make much difference. You don’t feel as though you are consciously avoiding God. You are just trying to survive. But if you look closely you will notice that you are pushing God away. Look at the tell-tale signs:

* You have no hope, even though Scripture, God’s words to you, offers hope on almost every page. Here’s just one example, “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:21–23).

* You think life is meaningless, even though you are a servant of the King and every small step of obedience resonates throughout eternity. This is God’s purpose for you today, “For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6).

* You think God doesn’t care, even though Scripture makes it clear that we run from God, not vice versa. Listen to what God says to you, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

* In other words, in many areas of life, you simply do not believe what God says.

Well, what do you know, Ed Welsh?

Last night I shut the site down and went back to my silent pout fest, and then to sleep. This morning I was still alive, so I figured God had, in His grace, once again given me a chance to repent and return. As I lay in bed I read the first few verses of Romans 5. Something about suffering producing endurance? But it's not. Why? Because I'm not believing God's promises.

As I climbed the steps to the CEF office this morning I pray for God to soften my heart and use this time for His purposes, which are hidden to me right now. I want endurance, I want character, I want that hope of eternal bliss in the presence of my Savior. I want to gaze on His loveliness for all of eternity...the time to start is now.

Will you pray for me? As you can tell, I need an attitude check. I don't want to waste this experience in sin and despair. I know God wants me here and I know He is faithful. He hasn't moved, I have. Pray for repentance and a return to Him with my whole heart.

Thanks!

Signed,

The Reluctant Misisonary

P.S. I listen to this CD A LOT when I have days like this. It is good to set my mind on the attributes of God and just worship, preaching the gospel to my own heart. Get. It.

The Religious Right and Other Thoughts

Thoughts such as the ones below have been rolling around half-formed in my mind for half a year or so now. This quote, and the book from which it comes, have helped me greatly in my understanding of much of Scripture and our cultural mandate as creatures and Christians. It feels good to clean out the cobwebs of improper understanding and shake off the restrains bad theology creates.

I am not overly political, but here's something I found interesting to think about in this politically-charged (us against them) environment we inhabit nowadays.

"Religious fundamentalism tends to see the world simply divided up into believers and unbelievers. The former are blessed, loved by God, holy, and doers of the right, while the latter are cursed, hated by God, unholy, and doers of evil. Sometimes this is taken to quite an extreme: believers are good people, and their moral, political, and doctrinal couses are always right, always justified, and can never be questioned. Unless the culture is controlled by their agenda, it is simply godless and unworthy of the believers' support. This persepctive ignores the fact that according to Scripture, all of us - believers and unbelievers alike - are simunltaneously under a common curse and common grace."

- Michael Horton, from "Introducing Covenant Theology"

Thoughts?

It Is Finished

Hark, the voice of love and mercy,
Sounds aloud from Calvary!
See, it rends the rocks asunder,
Shakes the earth and veils the sky!
"It is finished, It is finished,"
Hear the dying Savior cry.
"It is finished, It is finished,"
Hear the dying Savior cry.

"It is finished," O, what pleasure,
Do these charming words afford.
Heav'nly blessings, without measure,
Flow to us from Christ the Lord.
"It is finished", It is finished,"
Saints the dying words record.
"It is finished," It is finished,"
Saints the dying words record.

Finished all the types and shadows,
Of the ceremonial law;
Finished all that God has promies;
Death and hell no more shall awe.
"It is finished," It is finished,"
Saints from hence your comfort draw.
"It is finished," It is finished,"
Saints from hence your comfort draw.

Tune your harps anew, ye seraphs;
Join to sing the pleasing theme.
Saints on earth and all in heaven,
Join to praise Immanuel's name.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glory to the bleeding lamb!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glory to the bleeding lamb!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glory to the bleeding lamb!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Glory to the bleeding lamb!

~ Jonathan Evans, 1784 & Benjamin Francis, 1787
Taken from the Gadsby Hymnal #93

Struggle

I am struggling, struggling, struggling with sin in my life.

That sounds a bit too honest. I want to take it back because I would rather you didn't know I struggle to desire God above all those other (even good) things that via for my attention, get blown out of proportion, and threaten to become an idol.

My propensity to turn to other things besides God to fill my needs (especially emotional) is great.

I know that I can't just rip the idols out of my life without replacing them with Something greater, more valuable, more precious, more lovely.

I was thinking about this verse from Psalm 81 which says:

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it."

I got out my handy Reformation Study Bible (I'm a dork) and looked up the commentary concerning this verse. It was just what I needed it hear:

"Much of Israel's history, as recorded in Joshu through Chronicles, is the story of God's people looking for satisfaction without God (yup!). If they were worried about rain, they turned to Baal (1 Kings 18). If they were worried about enemies, they wanted a strong king (1 Samuel 8). They kept forgetting they had a God who could and would fulfill all their needs easily."

Oh Lord, help me not to forget.

Control

The office of CEF of Central Arkansas is housed in a Christian school. The office is tucked in a far away corner of the school, but the windows look directly out onto the playground. A few times a day, especially when I’m at my computer, I can look out and observe the lives of elementary school children on a playground, generally free from teachers and all forms of intervention.

I like to observe their play. This afternoon I watched a group of three boys playfully wrestling each other, one with flaming red hair. All of a sudden, from the part of the playground I can’t see, a little girl and her female sidekick came swooping in. The older, bigger girl immediately began to separate the boys and set the scene right, leaving them standing silent and solemn. I can just imagine what must have been going through her head as she walked away. Probably something triumphant.

What is it about the female gender that makes us want to set the world right? Why can’t we just mind our own business? Women are, generally, fixers. We want everything to be “alright”. At least I do. And most of the women I know are the same way.

For me it stems from the need to be in control. I don’t want things to happen to me. My chief goal in life seems to be damage control. At this point I can probably site all kinds of examples from my childhood, terrible things that happened to me, so I can write this need to be in control off as learned behavior. To a certain extant I’m sure it is, but on the other hand, I know better now.

The future is so uncertain, isn’t it? Just look at the devastation in Haiti. I spend a lot of time trying to figure the future out instead of trusting. I am learning more and more about the need to trust and just “do the next thing”, because trying to figure it out ahead of time gets me into a lot of trouble and often causes a lot of damage in the process.

The upswing of all of this is that I am learning a lot about grace, and the need to just try again tomorrow. I can’t reform my bad behavior, I can’t change my own heart, but I can help myself to the means of grace God has given me to draw closer to Him and move away from the things and ways of this world – His Word, prayer, fellowship.

I am working on drawing closer, but it’s an uphill battle. Sometimes my heart is too hard even to utter a plea for help. I am learning (again) to ask and to put myself where God’s grace can meet me.

I've had (relatively) rough start to this new year. I am still me. I still want to swoop down and set everything right. I want to interfere and protect myself from the worse. But really, I have nothing to fear. Whatever comes, comes from the gracious hand of a loving Heavenly Father. As a good friend recently reminded me “Jeanne, you are forgiven. All of God’s wrath has been poured out on Jesus.” How refreshing and how much strength I draw from that truth to try again. And again and again, if necessary. There is no condemnation.

I want to be totally in control, but that will never be possible. I may be able to control certain things, it may even be wise for me to do this, but at some point I need to “do the little I can do, and leave the rest to Thee”. I am learning to obey and leave the details, consequences, and future to my Maker and Redeemer. It is a scary and wonderful place to be.

Counterfeit Gods

I'm currently reading a book by Timothy Keller called "Counterfeit Gods" which I would highly recommend to anyone. It is all about the idols, deep and surface, which hold us captive to anything or anyone else besides Christ. Those things which tempt us away from obedience to Christ and complete loyalty to Him.

But how do we remove those idols? By digging in our heels and trying harder?

I thought I would share this quote with you because it has highly encouraged me:

"What breaks the power of money (*or food, or sex) over us is not just redoubled effort to follow the example of Christ. Rather, it is deepening your understanding of the salvation of Christ, what you have in him, and then living out the changes that that understanding makes in your heart - the seat of your mind, will, and emotions. Faith in the gospel restructures our motivations, our self-understanding and identity, our view of the world. Behavioral compliance to rules without a complete change of heart will be superficial and fleeting."

* added by me

Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

Taking Stock

Well, like it or not, I'm back in Little Rock.

That is what I tell myself "like it or not, Jeanne. You're back in Little Rock." Before Christmas break I was feeling worn out and discouraged. Like I was treading water, but not really getting anywhere, and my frustration level was at an all-time high. So I went to Missouri for a few weeks, and didn't think about any of it. Surprisingly, it didn't all just disappear. What a shock.

But now that I'm back, it's time to take stock of the situation. It's the same for the most part. I did, however, manage to get in touch with a club coordinator who likes to Stonewall Jackson me and he sounded really glad to hear from me and even told me to "keep warm in this cold weather! Ha, ha, ha!". It was so strange that after I got off the phone I sat for a few minutes just staring into space, not quite certain if I had entered the Twilight Zone, or not. Body snatchers? I thought. Drugs? I don't know. It was a weird, but also very pleasant, surprise.

Earlier this week I got the "revelation" that we have five Good News Club going in the Little Rock area. Five! That's a 500% increase over last year. It's not thirty, which was the projected goal, but it is something. And every one of those clubs has a story, which, if I sat down and told you, you would probably be extremely bored by, but I know them, and that's enough. I know the coordinators, the teachers, the children. I've cried over them, prayed over them, laughed over them, wanted to curse over them a few times, and, well, enjoyed them.

Now I'm back in the saddle again, praying that God would soften my hardened and all-too-easily frustrated heart. As I said, every one of the clubs (five) and potential clubs (twenty), has a story. As a Type A, goal-oriented person it's hard for me not to view them as simply a check mark on my to-do list. I have a job to do, for pity sakes' , and I want to do it well. If you, partner church, don't get your act together, how will that happen? Sigh...

But these are churches made up of individuals with issues, hurts, joys, agendas, and also, sin. Just like me. Will we have thirty After-school Good News Clubs by the time I leave Little Rock? Doubtful. But as I've always suspected, ministry is meant to change me. And currently my heart is overwhelmed by the conviction that I haven't prayed enough for this ministry and the individual lives directly involved in it. It appears to me that most, if not all, of my effort over the past four months has been driven by my flesh instead of by the Spirit. This is, of course, to my shame.

I am currently pondering the verse from 1 Timothy which says to "discipline yourselves for the purpose of godliness", which includes the discipline of prayer, but more on that later. Much more. For now I am thankful that despite all of my effort, God has still seen fit to bless us with five Good News Clubs. Grace is abundant indeed.

Like it or not, I'm back in Little Rock! :)