Control

The office of CEF of Central Arkansas is housed in a Christian school. The office is tucked in a far away corner of the school, but the windows look directly out onto the playground. A few times a day, especially when I’m at my computer, I can look out and observe the lives of elementary school children on a playground, generally free from teachers and all forms of intervention.

I like to observe their play. This afternoon I watched a group of three boys playfully wrestling each other, one with flaming red hair. All of a sudden, from the part of the playground I can’t see, a little girl and her female sidekick came swooping in. The older, bigger girl immediately began to separate the boys and set the scene right, leaving them standing silent and solemn. I can just imagine what must have been going through her head as she walked away. Probably something triumphant.

What is it about the female gender that makes us want to set the world right? Why can’t we just mind our own business? Women are, generally, fixers. We want everything to be “alright”. At least I do. And most of the women I know are the same way.

For me it stems from the need to be in control. I don’t want things to happen to me. My chief goal in life seems to be damage control. At this point I can probably site all kinds of examples from my childhood, terrible things that happened to me, so I can write this need to be in control off as learned behavior. To a certain extant I’m sure it is, but on the other hand, I know better now.

The future is so uncertain, isn’t it? Just look at the devastation in Haiti. I spend a lot of time trying to figure the future out instead of trusting. I am learning more and more about the need to trust and just “do the next thing”, because trying to figure it out ahead of time gets me into a lot of trouble and often causes a lot of damage in the process.

The upswing of all of this is that I am learning a lot about grace, and the need to just try again tomorrow. I can’t reform my bad behavior, I can’t change my own heart, but I can help myself to the means of grace God has given me to draw closer to Him and move away from the things and ways of this world – His Word, prayer, fellowship.

I am working on drawing closer, but it’s an uphill battle. Sometimes my heart is too hard even to utter a plea for help. I am learning (again) to ask and to put myself where God’s grace can meet me.

I've had (relatively) rough start to this new year. I am still me. I still want to swoop down and set everything right. I want to interfere and protect myself from the worse. But really, I have nothing to fear. Whatever comes, comes from the gracious hand of a loving Heavenly Father. As a good friend recently reminded me “Jeanne, you are forgiven. All of God’s wrath has been poured out on Jesus.” How refreshing and how much strength I draw from that truth to try again. And again and again, if necessary. There is no condemnation.

I want to be totally in control, but that will never be possible. I may be able to control certain things, it may even be wise for me to do this, but at some point I need to “do the little I can do, and leave the rest to Thee”. I am learning to obey and leave the details, consequences, and future to my Maker and Redeemer. It is a scary and wonderful place to be.