The Reluctant Missionary

Dear Friends,

Sometimes I just want to chuck it all, load my things into the car, and hightail it back to Missouri. There are some days I feel really discouraged and alone, just me in the CEF office, the missionary that time forgot.

Listen, I know how truly bratty and self-centered that sounds. I do. But it doesn't stop me from thinking it and feeling it. Oh, the feelings that come from such a deceitful heart as mine.

This month I have done more pouting than praying. I think about all my friends at home going about their business, happily oblivious of ME suffering all ALONE on the MISSION FIELD. Yeah, I know. I'm ridiculous.

I am a little bit prone to depression. I know this about myself and usually I can deal with it by telling myself that "this too shall pass". And it always does. Also, I knew before I moved to Little Rock how truly depressing and lonely the mission field can be at times. I am not new to this party. Sometimes I see all the little newbie missionaries entering the field so excited and hyped up and I think rather cynically "oh, just you wait..."

Well, this blog isn't entitled "Confessions of a Super Happy Missionary", now is it? No, it is not.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my head this past month. I have almost been in Little Rock for six months now. There are some days when I really, really love this city and the people here. And there are some days when I just want to sleep (classic depression) and eat carbs (I have gained a good ten pounds since Christmas. This cannot continue).

Before I came onto the field the mission board that interviewed me asked me how I was going to cope when things got tough. I rather smugly replied "trust in God's sovereignty", "of course", I added in my head, "I'm a Calvinist for pity sakes". I could tell they were impressed.

But you know what's NOT impressive? That now, six months later I am NOT trusting in God's sovereignty. Last night I looked up an article regarding depression on my favorite counseling website CCEF (check it out!). I wanted pity and a good excuse to be depressed. I got this instead, in an article by Ed Welsh:

The other path (isolated independence) is the more common one, even among Christians. Even if you believe that God has revealed himself to you in Jesus Christ, it doesn’t seem to make much difference. You don’t feel as though you are consciously avoiding God. You are just trying to survive. But if you look closely you will notice that you are pushing God away. Look at the tell-tale signs:

* You have no hope, even though Scripture, God’s words to you, offers hope on almost every page. Here’s just one example, “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:21–23).

* You think life is meaningless, even though you are a servant of the King and every small step of obedience resonates throughout eternity. This is God’s purpose for you today, “For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6).

* You think God doesn’t care, even though Scripture makes it clear that we run from God, not vice versa. Listen to what God says to you, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

* In other words, in many areas of life, you simply do not believe what God says.

Well, what do you know, Ed Welsh?

Last night I shut the site down and went back to my silent pout fest, and then to sleep. This morning I was still alive, so I figured God had, in His grace, once again given me a chance to repent and return. As I lay in bed I read the first few verses of Romans 5. Something about suffering producing endurance? But it's not. Why? Because I'm not believing God's promises.

As I climbed the steps to the CEF office this morning I pray for God to soften my heart and use this time for His purposes, which are hidden to me right now. I want endurance, I want character, I want that hope of eternal bliss in the presence of my Savior. I want to gaze on His loveliness for all of eternity...the time to start is now.

Will you pray for me? As you can tell, I need an attitude check. I don't want to waste this experience in sin and despair. I know God wants me here and I know He is faithful. He hasn't moved, I have. Pray for repentance and a return to Him with my whole heart.

Thanks!

Signed,

The Reluctant Misisonary

P.S. I listen to this CD A LOT when I have days like this. It is good to set my mind on the attributes of God and just worship, preaching the gospel to my own heart. Get. It.