For Karen, my Reformed buddy
"However many blessings we expect from God,
His infinite liberality will always exceed
all our wishes and our thoughts.”
John Calvin, 1509-1564
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Workout
I've joined a gym. It's called Fitness 10 and it's located just a few blocks away from my office. Now I have no excuse not to go every single day after work. Truthfully, I am quite intimidated by the gym scene, especially this particular one. Before CEF of Little Rock I used to work for the Y and had a free membership to their facilities. There is nothing overtly intimidating about little old ladies walking on treadmills, or men of a certain age pathetically lifting five pound weights. Now, I'm the pathetic one.
For some reason this gym is staffed by super athletic people, girls whose waist are about the size of nothing, and guys whose biceps are bigger than their heads. I don't like this. It's obscene to be that much in shape. To make matters worse, this gym is also populated by all of the most attractive guys in North Little Rock who I imagine are having this conversation all the time in their heads: "YEA! I LOVE WORKING OUT!" or "YEA! I LOOK GOOD!" or "YEA!" followed by the sound of crickets, because really, any persons that ripped must not be very deep. But I digress.
The conversations in my head are nothing like theirs. My conversations go something like this: "YEA! I LOVE BROWNIES, AND I ONLY WORKOUT SO I CAN EAT MORE OF THEM WITHOUT DYING!" or "I HATE IT HERE!" or (when I have to walk by the attractive guys) "I NEED NEW WORKOUT CLOTHES, MAYBE A BURKA!" Yes, I am all kinds of pathetic.
In moments like that last one, where I have to walk by all of those attractive, ripped, semi-intelligent guys, I wish my best girlfriends were here with me. Preferably Amanda, because I always have so much fun with her at the gym, or Joanna, whose primary goal in going to the gym is to see how slowly she can petal the stationary bike while listening to her I-Pod. She almost always succeeds. Of course, they don't really have to worry about working out, being size 6 and 8 respectively. Again, I digress.
But I guess the gym really isn't so bad. Perhaps by the time this year is up I'll be skinner. That, or my self-esteem will have taken a sharp nose dive. Either way, it will probably be good for me. You know what's not good for me, though? The crunch machine. My abs are killing me. Seriously, I feel like I have the stomach flu and have been violently ill for the last twenty-four hours. I wonder if this is what those attractive guys feel like all the time, or the girls who have no waist? I feel so bad for them. I think I'll go bake them some brownies.
For some reason this gym is staffed by super athletic people, girls whose waist are about the size of nothing, and guys whose biceps are bigger than their heads. I don't like this. It's obscene to be that much in shape. To make matters worse, this gym is also populated by all of the most attractive guys in North Little Rock who I imagine are having this conversation all the time in their heads: "YEA! I LOVE WORKING OUT!" or "YEA! I LOOK GOOD!" or "YEA!" followed by the sound of crickets, because really, any persons that ripped must not be very deep. But I digress.
The conversations in my head are nothing like theirs. My conversations go something like this: "YEA! I LOVE BROWNIES, AND I ONLY WORKOUT SO I CAN EAT MORE OF THEM WITHOUT DYING!" or "I HATE IT HERE!" or (when I have to walk by the attractive guys) "I NEED NEW WORKOUT CLOTHES, MAYBE A BURKA!" Yes, I am all kinds of pathetic.
In moments like that last one, where I have to walk by all of those attractive, ripped, semi-intelligent guys, I wish my best girlfriends were here with me. Preferably Amanda, because I always have so much fun with her at the gym, or Joanna, whose primary goal in going to the gym is to see how slowly she can petal the stationary bike while listening to her I-Pod. She almost always succeeds. Of course, they don't really have to worry about working out, being size 6 and 8 respectively. Again, I digress.
But I guess the gym really isn't so bad. Perhaps by the time this year is up I'll be skinner. That, or my self-esteem will have taken a sharp nose dive. Either way, it will probably be good for me. You know what's not good for me, though? The crunch machine. My abs are killing me. Seriously, I feel like I have the stomach flu and have been violently ill for the last twenty-four hours. I wonder if this is what those attractive guys feel like all the time, or the girls who have no waist? I feel so bad for them. I think I'll go bake them some brownies.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Update from Arkansas
It's been too long since I've posted on my lonely little blog. Who knows if anybody actually reads this thing, but it's too cathartic for me to give up entirely. I have had time to post on this blog, just not the inclination. I think I've finally settled into my new life in Little Rock, and besides some minor irritations, pretty content with it.
I have found that in ministry it is pretty east to get so busy that you begin to neglect your own personal relationship with God. That's where I've found myself lately. This morning was the first morning in a few weeks in which I actually had more than just obligatory devotions (which are really no devotions at all). Conviction abounded today in many areas of my life. It is so easy to ignore the Holy Spirit, scarily easy. But conviction is one of God's greatest grace to His children. There are a lot of ares in my life that are not lining up with how God says I should live life. When you think about it, you can pray for me. My relationship with God is so much more important than any "ministry" that I could contribute to this world. What's that verse in John? "This is eternal life, that they may know You, the one true God." Yeah, that should be what my life is about - knowing God.
Well, I think I've found the church, my church, the church that I want to invest in while I'm living in Arkansas. The church is a plant of the PCA, and they meet in a cute little refurbished building in downtown Conway. The congregation is only about forty all told. On mnight I went to a ladies small group where they discuss the sermon and pray for each other. The other ladies (5) are all married, so we're in different seasons in life, but they were so warm and welcoming, honest and transparent, that I felt immediately at home. They prayed for me, and loved on me, and made me laugh so throughly that I couldn't help but fall a little bit in love with them. I'll be having lunch with the pastor and his wife soon, where I hope to borrow from his vast library (when she heard I was a theology nerd his wife commanded me not to buy anymore books because "Kevin has all you would ever want to read!"), and hear his Biblical basis for infant baptistm.
I'm still trying to figure out why God has me here. Is that strange? I feel privileged to be here, working toward the spread of the gospel, but sometimes other desires get in the way. I'm praying that God will be all of my desire and delight. God is so good to me. I just need to remember that He cares about my holiness and joy in Him, more than in the fleeting comforts I find so important.
That's all for tonight, folks. Goodnight, y'all!
I have found that in ministry it is pretty east to get so busy that you begin to neglect your own personal relationship with God. That's where I've found myself lately. This morning was the first morning in a few weeks in which I actually had more than just obligatory devotions (which are really no devotions at all). Conviction abounded today in many areas of my life. It is so easy to ignore the Holy Spirit, scarily easy. But conviction is one of God's greatest grace to His children. There are a lot of ares in my life that are not lining up with how God says I should live life. When you think about it, you can pray for me. My relationship with God is so much more important than any "ministry" that I could contribute to this world. What's that verse in John? "This is eternal life, that they may know You, the one true God." Yeah, that should be what my life is about - knowing God.
Well, I think I've found the church, my church, the church that I want to invest in while I'm living in Arkansas. The church is a plant of the PCA, and they meet in a cute little refurbished building in downtown Conway. The congregation is only about forty all told. On mnight I went to a ladies small group where they discuss the sermon and pray for each other. The other ladies (5) are all married, so we're in different seasons in life, but they were so warm and welcoming, honest and transparent, that I felt immediately at home. They prayed for me, and loved on me, and made me laugh so throughly that I couldn't help but fall a little bit in love with them. I'll be having lunch with the pastor and his wife soon, where I hope to borrow from his vast library (when she heard I was a theology nerd his wife commanded me not to buy anymore books because "Kevin has all you would ever want to read!"), and hear his Biblical basis for infant baptistm.
I'm still trying to figure out why God has me here. Is that strange? I feel privileged to be here, working toward the spread of the gospel, but sometimes other desires get in the way. I'm praying that God will be all of my desire and delight. God is so good to me. I just need to remember that He cares about my holiness and joy in Him, more than in the fleeting comforts I find so important.
That's all for tonight, folks. Goodnight, y'all!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Brave
Well, tomorrow morning (Lord willing) I leave for Little Rock. My little blue Saturn will be stuffed to the gills with things that constitute a life, or at least, my life. As I was thinking of all the things I might possibly miss when I go to Little Rock, the "things" that stand out in my mind are, of course, not things, but people. I will miss my family and friends most of all. I will miss relationships.
This morning in my devotions I asked the Lord what He might possibly want me to learn from this year, or what the "theme" might be, that is, the one prevailing lesson He wants to teach me above everything else. What sprung most readily to mind was relationships. First, to Him, and then to others. I think this will be easy, and extremely difficult at the same time.
Difficult because most of the time my heart is not naturally bent towards Him, or others. I am, we are as humankind, completely interested in serving our own interests. Easy, because I love people, and get energy from being around them. But really, relationship building is quite arduous, don't you think? It's risky, being vulnerable to another human being, knowing they might reject you, but knowing the risk is ultimately worth it. Even if they reject you, even if your heart is broken by them in the end.
Was it Lewis that said the only place we can be safe from the perturbations of love is hell? Yes, I think it was, and yes, he is right. Sometimes relationships can feel like hell; I have found this to be true in the last few years. But I also know they can make you feel whole and alive. No one was made to be a loner, we were made to be in community, with God first, and others second.
And so here I am, the biggest loner I know, quite content to be by myself, or with people with whom I already enjoy a deep and abiding relationship, ready to be the perpetual stranger. My friend Karen said I should just pretend to be everybody's best friend. I think she's right, because I've already seen it work. Plus, I have the advantage of being the new girl. I need help, and most people are willing to help.
This morning I was in communication with my new boss. I told him about a proposed project that could yield great results, but would cost time and money. "Do it" he said, no hesitation. Risk-takers, and I wouldn't consider myself one at all, are incredibly motivating. They make me want to be brave, like that song:
This morning in my devotions I asked the Lord what He might possibly want me to learn from this year, or what the "theme" might be, that is, the one prevailing lesson He wants to teach me above everything else. What sprung most readily to mind was relationships. First, to Him, and then to others. I think this will be easy, and extremely difficult at the same time.
Difficult because most of the time my heart is not naturally bent towards Him, or others. I am, we are as humankind, completely interested in serving our own interests. Easy, because I love people, and get energy from being around them. But really, relationship building is quite arduous, don't you think? It's risky, being vulnerable to another human being, knowing they might reject you, but knowing the risk is ultimately worth it. Even if they reject you, even if your heart is broken by them in the end.
Was it Lewis that said the only place we can be safe from the perturbations of love is hell? Yes, I think it was, and yes, he is right. Sometimes relationships can feel like hell; I have found this to be true in the last few years. But I also know they can make you feel whole and alive. No one was made to be a loner, we were made to be in community, with God first, and others second.
And so here I am, the biggest loner I know, quite content to be by myself, or with people with whom I already enjoy a deep and abiding relationship, ready to be the perpetual stranger. My friend Karen said I should just pretend to be everybody's best friend. I think she's right, because I've already seen it work. Plus, I have the advantage of being the new girl. I need help, and most people are willing to help.
This morning I was in communication with my new boss. I told him about a proposed project that could yield great results, but would cost time and money. "Do it" he said, no hesitation. Risk-takers, and I wouldn't consider myself one at all, are incredibly motivating. They make me want to be brave, like that song:
So long, status quo, I think I just let go,
You make me want to be brave....
This song references God as the one who makes us want to be brave though, and indeed He does.
This position with CEF involves a lot of unknowables. But I am trusting that God will guide me step-by-step, and "as my days, so shall my strength be". I'm ready to take risks, like I never have before. I could be a miserable failure in others' eyes, but the great thing about God is that He doesn't call me to success, but He calls me to Himself, to relationship. This is our God, the God of relationship. He makes me want to be brave. He makes me want to worship, and be in community, and love, and fight, and get my hands dirty. I have just this one life, after all; it's time to start living it for the glory of God.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A Hulme Family Story
I spent last weekend with my family in Springfield.
We convened there in order to celebrate my little sister, Sarah's, birthday. I drove into Springfield tired and worn after my week in Little Rock and was met by my family who had already been there for several hours. My other little sister, Jessie, and her husband, the ever-accommodating Rich, recently moved to Springfield after their June wedding, and this was the first time we had all been there together. We had a great time of hanging out, eating delicious food, laughing, watching movies, and just being with each other, which is usually enough for all of us. We slept in late and then had brunch. After brunch, Rich suggested we all go to the park and play Ultimate Frisbee.
We stared at him in disbelief as one collective body of uncoordinated individuals.
My poor brother-in-law. He's such a great guy, very patient and loving and considerate, but he doesn't seem to know the Hulme family secret: we don't DO sports. Ever. I spoke up and said what a great idea, and let's do it! I, of course, was the last one ready to walk out the door. But walk out the door we did, armed with various frisbees and with our "game face" on.
As we pulled up to the park, we all noticed the playground. Swings!
Although our excitement for the game was momentarily overshadowed by the playground, we soon grew tired of that activity and began the game, which lasted for about ten minutes. I think the problem consisted in the fact that we didn't know how to play the game; "we" being the females of the family. Earlier, we had insisted that the game consist of boys against girls, and because the boys ultimately had no choice, that's how it ended up. Me, Jessie, Sarah, and Maggie, against Rich, Joel, Sam, and Joseph. I think another reason the game was so short-lived was because Rich is about two hundred feet taller than the rest of us. At one point I heard him say to Sam, "oh, let's just give them the point", this after the boys had scored three points and the girls still weren't sure which goal was ours.
It would have been funny if it weren't so sad.
The girls were the first to abandon ship. We straggled over to a tall tree and sprawled in it's plentiful shade. Rich and Sam (the most athletic Hulme) continued to toss the frisbee back and forth for a little while, but ultimately joined us, as did my mom and the dog, who had been off exploring the park grounds together. Jessie asked Rich if he was disappointed that we didn't play the game for very long (or very well, for that matter). Rich just smiled and said "I would have been disappointed if I had expected you to play".
Well, there you go.
The Hulme family, in all of our un-athletic glory. I still love us.
We convened there in order to celebrate my little sister, Sarah's, birthday. I drove into Springfield tired and worn after my week in Little Rock and was met by my family who had already been there for several hours. My other little sister, Jessie, and her husband, the ever-accommodating Rich, recently moved to Springfield after their June wedding, and this was the first time we had all been there together. We had a great time of hanging out, eating delicious food, laughing, watching movies, and just being with each other, which is usually enough for all of us. We slept in late and then had brunch. After brunch, Rich suggested we all go to the park and play Ultimate Frisbee.
We stared at him in disbelief as one collective body of uncoordinated individuals.
My poor brother-in-law. He's such a great guy, very patient and loving and considerate, but he doesn't seem to know the Hulme family secret: we don't DO sports. Ever. I spoke up and said what a great idea, and let's do it! I, of course, was the last one ready to walk out the door. But walk out the door we did, armed with various frisbees and with our "game face" on.
As we pulled up to the park, we all noticed the playground. Swings!
Although our excitement for the game was momentarily overshadowed by the playground, we soon grew tired of that activity and began the game, which lasted for about ten minutes. I think the problem consisted in the fact that we didn't know how to play the game; "we" being the females of the family. Earlier, we had insisted that the game consist of boys against girls, and because the boys ultimately had no choice, that's how it ended up. Me, Jessie, Sarah, and Maggie, against Rich, Joel, Sam, and Joseph. I think another reason the game was so short-lived was because Rich is about two hundred feet taller than the rest of us. At one point I heard him say to Sam, "oh, let's just give them the point", this after the boys had scored three points and the girls still weren't sure which goal was ours.
It would have been funny if it weren't so sad.
The girls were the first to abandon ship. We straggled over to a tall tree and sprawled in it's plentiful shade. Rich and Sam (the most athletic Hulme) continued to toss the frisbee back and forth for a little while, but ultimately joined us, as did my mom and the dog, who had been off exploring the park grounds together. Jessie asked Rich if he was disappointed that we didn't play the game for very long (or very well, for that matter). Rich just smiled and said "I would have been disappointed if I had expected you to play".
Well, there you go.
The Hulme family, in all of our un-athletic glory. I still love us.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Worth
Currently I am trying to recover from my Little Rock '09 adventures. I have been back in St. Louis for less than twenty-four hours. I just want to sleep and process everything that I didn't have a chance to dwell on during the busy, busy time I spent in Arkansas. However, I still have a week left in my contract with CEF of Greater St. Louis and a VBS to teach tonight. I hope the children don't mind zombie teachers.
No, I don't think it's that bad, but I do think I need more than one day to recover from not only Little Rock, but this summer in general. I spent a few hours this morning in God's Word, something that I neglected during my week in Little Rock. Shameful, I know, but God is merciful and He still taught me a few lessons that I really needed to learn while in Little Rock.
One lesson that I learned was worth. That is, what am I basing my worth on? God taught me rather all at once one day that my worth comes from Jesus Christ, not my job, ministy, relationship status, place of residence, etc. Those are details in which I live out my relationship with Christ. I don't believe those details are unimportant to God, but I do believe that those details are sometimes too important to me.
Recently I've been studying the life of Saul and David as portrayed in 1 Samuel. Both of these men fell into gross sins, but David was a man after God's own heart and Saul was cast away. Why? Romans 8 seems to be the best answer: if God is for us, who can be against us? Not because of who I am or what I do, but because of God's own free sovereign choice in placing me in Christ Jesus am I in right standing before Him and can have confidence that I am His and will remain His. So then the most important thing in my life is not all of those details, but my relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
On the last night of our time together in Little Rock the president of CEF, Reese Kaufmann, spoke on this very thing and I knew it was God's reminder to me that really, Little Rock is simply a detail, not the Destination. I was thankful for this reminder, because it is something that God has been teaching me through this process of going into full-time ministry with CEF once again. CEF and any ministry that might result from my work in this organization shouldn't give me my ultimate sense of worth or value (and neither should anything else). I am God's through Jesus Christ and that relationship is what gives me my ultimate worth.
There is freedom there. Freedom that God calls me to walk in as I trust His sovereign ordering of the details and circumstances of my life. I am tired, and well should be, of making the circumstances of my life ultimate. This is a hard lesson to learn and one I'm sure I'll forget from time to time. But I serve a faithful, merciful God that is for me and will be faithful and merciful to remind me. Today my heart overflows with gratitude to Him.
No, I don't think it's that bad, but I do think I need more than one day to recover from not only Little Rock, but this summer in general. I spent a few hours this morning in God's Word, something that I neglected during my week in Little Rock. Shameful, I know, but God is merciful and He still taught me a few lessons that I really needed to learn while in Little Rock.
One lesson that I learned was worth. That is, what am I basing my worth on? God taught me rather all at once one day that my worth comes from Jesus Christ, not my job, ministy, relationship status, place of residence, etc. Those are details in which I live out my relationship with Christ. I don't believe those details are unimportant to God, but I do believe that those details are sometimes too important to me.
Recently I've been studying the life of Saul and David as portrayed in 1 Samuel. Both of these men fell into gross sins, but David was a man after God's own heart and Saul was cast away. Why? Romans 8 seems to be the best answer: if God is for us, who can be against us? Not because of who I am or what I do, but because of God's own free sovereign choice in placing me in Christ Jesus am I in right standing before Him and can have confidence that I am His and will remain His. So then the most important thing in my life is not all of those details, but my relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
On the last night of our time together in Little Rock the president of CEF, Reese Kaufmann, spoke on this very thing and I knew it was God's reminder to me that really, Little Rock is simply a detail, not the Destination. I was thankful for this reminder, because it is something that God has been teaching me through this process of going into full-time ministry with CEF once again. CEF and any ministry that might result from my work in this organization shouldn't give me my ultimate sense of worth or value (and neither should anything else). I am God's through Jesus Christ and that relationship is what gives me my ultimate worth.
There is freedom there. Freedom that God calls me to walk in as I trust His sovereign ordering of the details and circumstances of my life. I am tired, and well should be, of making the circumstances of my life ultimate. This is a hard lesson to learn and one I'm sure I'll forget from time to time. But I serve a faithful, merciful God that is for me and will be faithful and merciful to remind me. Today my heart overflows with gratitude to Him.
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