Brave

Well, tomorrow morning (Lord willing) I leave for Little Rock. My little blue Saturn will be stuffed to the gills with things that constitute a life, or at least, my life. As I was thinking of all the things I might possibly miss when I go to Little Rock, the "things" that stand out in my mind are, of course, not things, but people. I will miss my family and friends most of all. I will miss relationships.

This morning in my devotions I asked the Lord what He might possibly want me to learn from this year, or what the "theme" might be, that is, the one prevailing lesson He wants to teach me above everything else. What sprung most readily to mind was relationships. First, to Him, and then to others. I think this will be easy, and extremely difficult at the same time.

Difficult because most of the time my heart is not naturally bent towards Him, or others. I am, we are as humankind, completely interested in serving our own interests. Easy, because I love people, and get energy from being around them. But really, relationship building is quite arduous, don't you think? It's risky, being vulnerable to another human being, knowing they might reject you, but knowing the risk is ultimately worth it. Even if they reject you, even if your heart is broken by them in the end.

Was it Lewis that said the only place we can be safe from the perturbations of love is hell? Yes, I think it was, and yes, he is right. Sometimes relationships can feel like hell; I have found this to be true in the last few years. But I also know they can make you feel whole and alive. No one was made to be a loner, we were made to be in community, with God first, and others second.

And so here I am, the biggest loner I know, quite content to be by myself, or with people with whom I already enjoy a deep and abiding relationship, ready to be the perpetual stranger. My friend Karen said I should just pretend to be everybody's best friend. I think she's right, because I've already seen it work. Plus, I have the advantage of being the new girl. I need help, and most people are willing to help.

This morning I was in communication with my new boss. I told him about a proposed project that could yield great results, but would cost time and money. "Do it" he said, no hesitation. Risk-takers, and I wouldn't consider myself one at all, are incredibly motivating. They make me want to be brave, like that song:

So long, status quo, I think I just let go,

You make me want to be brave....

This song references God as the one who makes us want to be brave though, and indeed He does.

This position with CEF involves a lot of unknowables. But I am trusting that God will guide me step-by-step, and "as my days, so shall my strength be". I'm ready to take risks, like I never have before. I could be a miserable failure in others' eyes, but the great thing about God is that He doesn't call me to success, but He calls me to Himself, to relationship. This is our God, the God of relationship. He makes me want to be brave. He makes me want to worship, and be in community, and love, and fight, and get my hands dirty. I have just this one life, after all; it's time to start living it for the glory of God.