An Easy Yes

I just had all of my plans for the next few months turned completely upside down and something that I was really looking forward to taken away in two seconds.

It's hard to process death, especially when it happens so rapidly. Sometimes God works slowly over months and years, and sometimes He rips your world apart in a matter of moments.

It's easy to say "yes, I will lay it down for your Kingdom, for the ministry that You've called me to", but it's hard to live with the consequences of that "yes".

I just finished asking "why". Why did You take that away from me? You know how much it meant to me. You know how much I was looking forward to it. It was literally giving me the will to live through the next few difficult months.

And therein the problem lies. I was putting a lot of hope in this certain event. And my hope had been steadily building through the last few days. And it was like God was asking in me that "why" moment how much I loved Him, and was I willing to lay down my life for His Kingdom, His agenda, and His purposes.

I love when God asks you if you love Him, and then asks you to prove it. He asks if I will be lower so He can be higher, poorer so He can be richer, disappointed and thwarted so His purposes can come to pass in my life and the life of others.

I know that God will bring good out of this disappointment. I know that this plan is better than the other, but it is still painful, still a death. And believe me, I am mourning it.

I wish that God would give me what I want all the time because I hate pain, and this is painful. BUT, in this death is a chance for life. What's that old hymn? "I'll live for Him, who died for me, how HAPPY then my life will be..." I may not have what I thought I wanted, needed, and had to have, but I know that God is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And He gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.

I know I would rather have Him send trial after trial, but give spiritual life and vitality (eyes to see and ears to hear), then to leave me alone with everything I want (an easy life, financial security, a husband and children), but spiritually destitute.

It's so hard to put this process into words, but it's like a broadening. Everytime God asks me to die to myself, He gives the grace to enjoy Him a little bit more, to comprehend more of His goodness, to appreciate His infinite worth a little more. My soul broadens, but it costs. It is not an easy yes.

Pray for me. Pray for the courage to answer yes, even when it costs me everything I have, because this I know for certain: He IS worth it.