Have you ever had one of those? A day that is characterized by setting yourself up against the purposes of the Almighty? A day of running? A day of teeth grinding and whining and the breaking down of long-held biases?
Oh, but now I must make a confession: I'm not having a Jonah day, I'm having a Jonah year. And looking back, not only a Jonah year, but a Jonah decade. My greatest fear is that God would call me to be a missionary. Me, lover of missionaries since I was a little girl, fear to be counted among their ranks.
There is something so humbling about the mission field, and I am not a humble person. Please Lord, anywhere but here. Anything but that. I remember the day a few years ago when, in the midst of praying about the future, I felt with terrifying certainty that God was not going to answer my prayers in the way I expected Him to. In fact, I had the incredibly overwhelming sense that God was calling me back to the mission field.
Run Jonah, run.
Now, it's decision time again. I thought we had an agreement. This year of service in exchange for the rest of my life to pursue my own dreams. Let me get back to my plans just as soon as I can, don't bother me with Your designs. Mine, mine, mine. Only He commands, and it is resounding, "No. Mine."
I don't understand.
IF when an answer I did not expect
comes to a prayer I believe I truly meant,
I shrink back from it;
if the burden my Lord asks me to bear
be not the burden of my heart's choice,
and I fret inwardly and do not welcome His will,
then I know nothing of Calvary love.
~ Amy Carmichael
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