Conviction

I just got off the phone with my best friend.

Here's how our relationship works: I have some sort of crisis. I call her and pour out my heart (usually this takes no less than an hour). She listens, interjecting only an occasional "mm, hm", while I scream, cry, or moan. After I finish pouring out my heart, we have some brief discussion of the matter, but mostly I've already talked through all of the issues, and can plainly see what I should do.

I'm sure glad God gave me Joanna, because she is a lot cheaper than therapy, and just as effective.

Seriously though, I've been wrestling through some issues, and have been hesitant to discuss them with her. I've talked about them briefly with her sister, I've talked about them in-depth with her mom (my spiritual mom), I've told the ladies in my church about them, but until I broke down and discussed it with her, I really hadn't gotten to the heart of the issues.

As I talked with her though, all the terrible motives, bad attitudes, and depravity just came pouring out of me. Who knew I had that much sin lurking in my heart (and there it is again - pride!)? God has been working on me this week, working on me hard, and today was the icing on the cake. But here's the deal: conviction is good.

It wasn't until recently that I began to really rejoice in the conviction of the Holy Spirit. It wasn't until recently, that I really began to understand what an extreme act of mercy -- of kindness -- conviction really is. If God is convicting you of your sins, don't fight it, He is keeping you from destruction! A chance to turn and repent? Yes, please.

It feels good to get things off my chest. It helps me to see where I really, what the real issues are, but more than that, it helps me to see how much I need a Savior. I need God to incline my heart to keep His Word. We sang a song in church today with a few lines that always get me:

"I would but can't repent,
Though I endeavor oft;
This stony heart can ne'er relent,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move
A soul as base as mine."

I can only stand and ask that God would grant to me what He commands of me. I know that I have no power of my own to obey, so I must pray not only for the inclination, but the power. Lord, help me to will against my will. I see what You have commanded, and I in no way am able, help my inability, help my unbelief.

And in His graciousness, faithfulness, and mercy, He continues to condescend to me. Wow, amazing love.