Counseling and Scarlett O'Hara

A few blog posts ago I told you that I am paying someone to fix me. I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, it is not. It is a long and arduous process which often leaves me emotionally drained and cranky.

Currently in my life I have the time and resources to do something that I've wanted to do for a long time, which is to get professional counseling. I'm sure you couldn't tell by my other blog posts, but I have a lot of issues.

The current issue that I'm working on is dealing with the fallout from abuse suffered in my past. The issues that I'm reaping from those painful seeds include a lot of anger and some destructive and unbiblical ways I deal with that pain and anger.

It's difficult to share these things with you. I wonder if it's better not to, but I know that what ministers most to me are honest struggles. But I'm trying to struggle well. I don't want to wallow in the pain, because I am being redeemed and I don't want to discount the Redeemer and His work in my life. But for so long I've avoided dealing with these issues and so right now I'm having trouble doing anything BUT wallowing.

Counseling brings up so many things that you didn't even know were there. And for me, the very existence of those "unknowns", throw me into a panic. I think I'm pretty "self-aware" (but maybe just self-centered), and to discover all of these issues I didn't even know I had is, in a word, depressing. I am so much worse than I thought I was! Oh, the ugly self-righteousness.

I have a lot more to say about this. I want to defend myself so you don't think I've swallowed the pill of popular psychology and am presently going to start screaming about how I just need to learn how to love myself and then everything will be alright. But no. No, right now you just need to know that I am a messed-up sinner, trying to forgive other messed-up sinners (which is a task that seems at this point in my life, simply unachievable), without losing sight of God, responding in an unbiblical way to the hurt, or hindering the ministry to which God has called me.

These are good, hard days for me. I'm so glad I can talk through all of these issues with someone who is helping me to deal with them in a godly way and see myself the way God sees me. I'm thankful for God's Word which speaks truth into my life and helps me to crush the lies. I'm thankful for grace, and the work of Christ that makes that grace possible. And lastly, I am thankful that God justifies the ungodly. That is a truth that I've been clinging to lately. Because I am, but He does.

I'm sure there will be many other blog posts on this issue, and maybe through them God will even minister to someone. I can only hope. But in the end, it's not about me. I'm learning that in this counseling process, and believe me, it is often a rude awakening. So, will you pray for me? Pray that I grieve well. Pray that I heal well. Pray that I forgive well. And when I saw "well" I mean in a way that brings glory to Christ, because all of these things are hard. Hard.

So, there you have it, the promised blog post. Next, I think I'm supposed to tell you more about my glamorous missionary life. So much glamour, where to even begin? Well, in the words of that paragon of mental health, Scarlett O'Hara (I bet you were wondering when she was finally going to figure into this post), "I won't think about that now, I'll think about that tomorrow".