Of Leaf Piles and Janitors

People are goofy.

Let's face it: we come up with some pretty crazy ideas. And those crazy ideas, spurred on by our inability to be completely neutral when it comes to ourselves, can lead to hilarious results.

Case in point: an indoor pile of leaves. A big, smelly, possibly bug-infested pile of leaves in an elementary school gymnasium.

Here's how it went down.

While here in St. Louis I'm helping out at a local Good News Club (one of CEF's primary ministries and the area in which I am most involved in Little Rock). I do this because I love the ministry and I need to step out of my deputation role every now and again so I don't go insane. Also, it is good entertainment.

This week was our Thanksgiving Party Club and our club leaders had some fun cooked up for the kids. During the last half an hour of club, after the lessons, and songs, and snacks had all been experienced, one of the club helpers carries in a big brown tarp. The children were told not to look at what he was doing behind them as it was their last big surprise for the day.

It was a big surprise for me too.

Being the Helpful Henrietta that I always am, I tramp over to assist. We spread the brown tarp and then the club helper disappears to his car for the other half of the mysterious prize. He returns a few minutes later carrying three huge (HUGE!) black garbage bags. He begins to rip them open and spread their contents around. In a minute, the middle of the gym looked like this:

A big pile of leaves in the middle of a school gymnasium. I watch in horror as this takes place. I'm so numb that I don't even realize I have ripped open a bag and dumped it's contents out as well, contributing to this nightmare.

At this point, I am unsure of the game we're going to play. Are the kids going to jump in this huge pile of leaves and roll around, scattering the leaves to the far corners of the gym? If this happens, I think, the janitor will have a conniption. And as if on cue, the janitor walks through. He stops, visibly startled. He stares, visibly shaken. Now, I've worked in public schools for many years and I know how persnickety the janitors can be about their floors. And why shouldn't they be? They spend their whole day cleaning up after small children and at the end of the day, they just want a few brief shining moments of spotlessness. Is that too much to ask?

Bottom line: you don't get on the bad side of janitors. They can make or break you in that school. Am I being paranoid? No, not at all. The janitor is a little kingdom unto him or herself so you want to keep him happy. Christmas gifts, Easter bonnets, fruit baskets are all things that can be used to appease a janitor. I've tried operating solely on the basis of my charming wit, but no, that janitor needs a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse every now and again. Never underestimate the power of a well-placed (or played) Blooming Onion.

So I keep a close eye on this janitor, inwardly ringing my hands. What's going to happen next, I think. But the janitor plays it cool and rolls on by. For now. But he is watching. Oh yes, he is watching.


Do you see him there in the doorway? He watched us the whole time. Suspicious unto the point of gathering his other janitor buddies for a good beat down. But as he found out a few anxious moments later (for him and for me) that would prove to be completely unnecessary.

Again, I found myself an unwitting participant in The Great Leaf Debacle of 2010 as I begin to hid toys throughout this giant pile of leaves. Then the kids descended upon it with great vigor to find their treasures.


I have to admit, although I would never have attempted, let alone thought of this idea, the kids loved it, and they even stuck around for the clean up, which might have actually been the real fun, as is so often the case.

So would I, as a ministry coordinator of Good News Clubs, recommend recreating a yard in the middle of a school gymnasium to my teachers back in Little Rock? Probably not. But no harm, no foul. It was a pure, unadulterated case of a goofy idea turning out brilliantly, and at the end of the day, I was glad to be apart of it.

Especially since the janitor doesn't know where I live.

The Magnet Family

As I'm adjusting to being back at home for the next few months I have the distinct feeling that I am somehow magnetized. Why? Because everywhere I go there they are. And by they I mean those delightful people I call my siblings. They are literally everywhere I go - asking me to take them somewhere, playing the guitar, chasing the cat, chasing the dogs, yelling at each other (we are in some serious need of sanctification around here), and opening and closing the refrigerator door which is annoyingly close to my "office".

Which brings me to the point that since my makeshift office has been dominating the kitchen table these past few weeks I thought that today I'd take the party downstairs. I set everything up on a card table, plugged in my laptop, and got out a pen. It was great for the first hour. By the second they were there again, as if a giant magnet that none of us could see was pulling us closer. Then it was me, sitting at the card table, surrounded by two brothers who were fighting, one who was playing a YouTube video at top volume, and a sister who was talking about Justin Bieber. Again. I think these kids need to go to public school.


Just kidding! Maybe private school. But seriously, I wouldn't trade my magnet family for anything.

Make-shift

I've entered into another time of transition in my life. The transition into, if not full-time ministry, than fuller-time ministry. Confused? Me too. Actually, it's not that hard to understand, just a little hard to explain. My year with IMPACT has ended and now that God has led me to stay with CEF indefinitely (gulp!) I'll be raising full-time support for my full-time ministry with CEF in Little Rock.

I don't usually love times of change or transition, but this time is a little more enjoyable since the transition will take place "back home" in St. Louis. As I take a break from one aspect of the ministry to focus on another, I'm thankful that I get to spend it among my strongest support base here in Missouri.

Here is my make-shift office during this make-shift time in my life. My mother is so tolerant as I take over her kitchen table (and a little more) this fall.


I'm not sure how long I'll be here in St. Louis. I guess it depends on how long it takes to raise my support. I'm thinking at least until November. This is both positive and negative. On the downside, I miss my church family in Arkansas and I miss being apart of what God is doing among them right now, AND, although there is still CEF ministry going on in Little Rock, there is no new ministry being developed.

On the upside, I get to see the last few weeks of my little sister's pregnancy and will be here when my niece finally makes her debut. Another upside is the chance to share life with my family for another little while. Making dinner for my younger siblings, taking them on field trips, and hanging out with them are all highlights of this time of transition for me. Support raising can be stressful, and it's nice to be able to turn to my brothers and laugh and joke around with them when the stress level gets to be too high (they can also be a little distracting. I think I've developed adult ADD - I never used to be this antsy!). It's also nice to hang out with my church family here and even be involved in some ministry.

So, make-shift though it is, I'm digging this new providence of God in my life. Now if only I could get Joseph to be a little less crazy... :)

Staying the Course

I'm back "home" (where is home for a missionary?) after Missionary Candidate School, and as the saying goes, now comes the hard part.

But I feel sort of adrift, coming back to reality after dwelling for a few weeks in the world that is CEF IHQ. I love that place. It's a sort of home where people I love and admire come and go, work and rest, laugh and cry. We are truly a Fellowship.

This morning the VP of International Ministries painted a picture for us of the work around the world for us. It sort of devastated me. I wanted to run to my room and cry for a bit, but instead I went to lunch and cried there (on a side note: is there no place I won't cry? Answer: no, not a one).

As he was speaking (which is a treat to me for several reasons, not the least of which is his lovely Irish accent) he commented on a worker in Africa whose work among the people "shows the value of a life dedicated to ministry". That statement sort of blew me away and left me numb. The value of a life dedicated to God working out through ministry (whatever that "ministry" looks like in your life). What could be scarier, higher, or lovelier?

God continues to remind me of His faithfulness and of how beautifully He leads me through all the twists and turns of life. Now I'm impressed by the need to stay the course in the ministry He has called me to and for which He has gifted me. He has a call on my life which I have often fought against and tried to thwart, but it remains. I'm still in awe of it and often wrestle with the consequences of it, but I also love it. There is a lot of peace that comes by walking in His purposes, even when the hard times come.

So, now I'm done with a little bit of my journey. But I keep on walking. Soli Deo gloria.

"Keep Eating that Cheese"

I am here.

Where is "here"? CEF International Headquarters. This is my first full day of Candidate School (where they teach us about the important ministry of support raising) and I am exhausted. However, I had to share this story.

Today we candidates were treated to a tour of IHQ. We stopped to gaze out at the relatively new Kraft Prayer Garden. It's a beautiful spot where we gather to pray for the states and the ministry taking place in each (we have a front garden for international ministry, in case you were wondering).

We have many buildings and rooms and gardens here with namesakes and there is always an interesting story behind each. Our tour guide, who also doubles as my ministry coach, pointed out the window and explained "this is the Kraft Prayer Garden. As in Kraft Foods." We all exclaimed over this fact, and my delightful ministry coach said with a straight face "that's right. So, keep eating that cheese."

Words to live by.

Good News Club

Good News Clubs are wrapping up around the Little Rock area and I am enjoying my visits to each one. I am genuinely in love with the workers from each church that make these clubs possible. They are a delight and on each visit I enjoy getting to know them just a little bit better. Relationships can be messy, but I don't think there is anything better than getting good and entangled in someone else's life, and struggling forward together. We need to do this in the Body of Christ, especially in the Body of Christ.

Anyway, yesterday I visit two clubs located in the heart of the city. The first club had grown from five kids in the first six week session to thirty kids in the second. One of the girls who attended the first session ran over to me and gave me a hug. "I thought you had forgotten about us!", she exclaimed. I explained to her that I was helping other boys and girls at other schools learn about Jesus. This seemed to satisfy her and she ran back to join the group.

In this club I rotated between two groups of children - the rowdy little ones and the rambunctious older ones - and observed them learning Bible verses, participating in an object lesson about sin, writing down prayer requests for the "God Can", constructing a craft, and hearing about Satan's fall, not to mention singing, loudly, "God loves me, I know He does...", complete with clapping, stomping, and chest thumps.

Near the end of club, one of the leaders ran over to her co-leader and whispered something furtively in her ear. The co-leader's face broke into a wide smile. I later learned that they were discussing two little girls from this past summer's outreach who had heard the gospel at a 5-Day Club and since then had been coming to church regularly. The leader had learned at church the previous day that the two little girls plan on being baptized very soon. And there was much rejoicing.

It is wonderful to work with people who have such a burden to reach others with the gospel. Sometimes it feels like we're not getting anywhere, but then I am reminded how God can use little things, even years later, to bring someone to Himself. I continue to hear testimony of people who first heard the gospel and believed at a Good News Club. Children are such complicated little creatures. Who knows how God will choose to work in their lives?

These visits renew my vision and encourage me to just keep going. Ministry can be such a guessing game at times. There's not a set formula for ministry "success", and anyway, the definition of success is sketchy at best when it comes to ministry. Faithful obedience is what counts, and that is hard. I often forget that while I'm here in my little office answering e-mail, returning phone calls, planning training sessions, and praying, that lives are being changed.

It's good to be reminded every once in awhile.

Brave

Well, tomorrow morning (Lord willing) I leave for Little Rock. My little blue Saturn will be stuffed to the gills with things that constitute a life, or at least, my life. As I was thinking of all the things I might possibly miss when I go to Little Rock, the "things" that stand out in my mind are, of course, not things, but people. I will miss my family and friends most of all. I will miss relationships.

This morning in my devotions I asked the Lord what He might possibly want me to learn from this year, or what the "theme" might be, that is, the one prevailing lesson He wants to teach me above everything else. What sprung most readily to mind was relationships. First, to Him, and then to others. I think this will be easy, and extremely difficult at the same time.

Difficult because most of the time my heart is not naturally bent towards Him, or others. I am, we are as humankind, completely interested in serving our own interests. Easy, because I love people, and get energy from being around them. But really, relationship building is quite arduous, don't you think? It's risky, being vulnerable to another human being, knowing they might reject you, but knowing the risk is ultimately worth it. Even if they reject you, even if your heart is broken by them in the end.

Was it Lewis that said the only place we can be safe from the perturbations of love is hell? Yes, I think it was, and yes, he is right. Sometimes relationships can feel like hell; I have found this to be true in the last few years. But I also know they can make you feel whole and alive. No one was made to be a loner, we were made to be in community, with God first, and others second.

And so here I am, the biggest loner I know, quite content to be by myself, or with people with whom I already enjoy a deep and abiding relationship, ready to be the perpetual stranger. My friend Karen said I should just pretend to be everybody's best friend. I think she's right, because I've already seen it work. Plus, I have the advantage of being the new girl. I need help, and most people are willing to help.

This morning I was in communication with my new boss. I told him about a proposed project that could yield great results, but would cost time and money. "Do it" he said, no hesitation. Risk-takers, and I wouldn't consider myself one at all, are incredibly motivating. They make me want to be brave, like that song:

So long, status quo, I think I just let go,

You make me want to be brave....

This song references God as the one who makes us want to be brave though, and indeed He does.

This position with CEF involves a lot of unknowables. But I am trusting that God will guide me step-by-step, and "as my days, so shall my strength be". I'm ready to take risks, like I never have before. I could be a miserable failure in others' eyes, but the great thing about God is that He doesn't call me to success, but He calls me to Himself, to relationship. This is our God, the God of relationship. He makes me want to be brave. He makes me want to worship, and be in community, and love, and fight, and get my hands dirty. I have just this one life, after all; it's time to start living it for the glory of God.

Worth

Currently I am trying to recover from my Little Rock '09 adventures. I have been back in St. Louis for less than twenty-four hours. I just want to sleep and process everything that I didn't have a chance to dwell on during the busy, busy time I spent in Arkansas. However, I still have a week left in my contract with CEF of Greater St. Louis and a VBS to teach tonight. I hope the children don't mind zombie teachers.

No, I don't think it's that bad, but I do think I need more than one day to recover from not only Little Rock, but this summer in general. I spent a few hours this morning in God's Word, something that I neglected during my week in Little Rock. Shameful, I know, but God is merciful and He still taught me a few lessons that I really needed to learn while in Little Rock.

One lesson that I learned was worth. That is, what am I basing my worth on? God taught me rather all at once one day that my worth comes from Jesus Christ, not my job, ministy, relationship status, place of residence, etc. Those are details in which I live out my relationship with Christ. I don't believe those details are unimportant to God, but I do believe that those details are sometimes too important to me.

Recently I've been studying the life of Saul and David as portrayed in 1 Samuel. Both of these men fell into gross sins, but David was a man after God's own heart and Saul was cast away. Why? Romans 8 seems to be the best answer: if God is for us, who can be against us? Not because of who I am or what I do, but because of God's own free sovereign choice in placing me in Christ Jesus am I in right standing before Him and can have confidence that I am His and will remain His. So then the most important thing in my life is not all of those details, but my relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

On the last night of our time together in Little Rock the president of CEF, Reese Kaufmann, spoke on this very thing and I knew it was God's reminder to me that really, Little Rock is simply a detail, not the Destination. I was thankful for this reminder, because it is something that God has been teaching me through this process of going into full-time ministry with CEF once again. CEF and any ministry that might result from my work in this organization shouldn't give me my ultimate sense of worth or value (and neither should anything else). I am God's through Jesus Christ and that relationship is what gives me my ultimate worth.

There is freedom there. Freedom that God calls me to walk in as I trust His sovereign ordering of the details and circumstances of my life. I am tired, and well should be, of making the circumstances of my life ultimate. This is a hard lesson to learn and one I'm sure I'll forget from time to time. But I serve a faithful, merciful God that is for me and will be faithful and merciful to remind me. Today my heart overflows with gratitude to Him.

I Left My Heart in Little Rock?

This week is our urban focus week for 5-day Clubs. Loosely translated this means I'm kickin' it in the 'hood with my summer missionaries. We've already had a fabulous time teaching together this week; I really love St. Louis and the people here. However, a huge part of me wants to be down in Arkansas right now for Little Rock '09 which began last night. I leave on Friday morning (as early as I can without it actually being Thursday night).

I am just so anxious to start this ministry and meet the people who will consume so much of my life for the next year. Also, I've heard from CEF family already there about how great Little Rock is and it makes me even more anxious to experience it for myself! This is a wonderment to me though - everyone keeps telling me how Little Rock is going to steal my heart. Do they know something I don't? Perhaps I'll have to change the name of this blog once I get down there...

All the News Worth Hearing

Posting on this blog is so far down my to-do list I can hardly see it. However, since it gives me pleasure to write, and because I need to sort out my thoughts a little bit, I thought I would update today. Currently, this is all the news worth hearing in my life...

The target date for beginning my year of service in full-time ministry is August 17th. By then I will be ensconced in a big blue farmhouse somewhere near the city limits of Little Rock. Since I last gave a "real" update, my support level has increased by $10,000 thanks to a generous donation by CEF of East Texas. I am currently entrenched in the whole support raising process and it is progressing well. It is laughable to say I know God wants me in Little Rock with all the evidence to support this claim. I feel so unworthy of all that has been done on my behalf precisely because I have been dragging my feet throughout the whole process.

As I talked with a ministry represenative from CEF she commented on what an "enviable" position I am in within the ministry of CEF. I know it to my very core. I have unsuccessfully raised personal support and unsuccessfully taken myself off the field because of it. God has been gracious - more than I deserve or dared to imagine - in pursuing me for service in missions. Ministry has always been my heart, but I had wanted it to be outside the confines of full-time service. This is apparently not what God wants, and He has been so gracious in bringing me back, much like a prodigal, to the place He wants me to be. I have also found, like the prodigal, a fattened calf, and wide-open arms from my family in the ministry. These are all things I do not deserve.

Have I made that clear? My just desserts are not what I am receiving. I say this as much to remind myself as to share with you. I am slowly learning to serve Jesus, not so He will serve and love me, but because He already has served and loved me. I have had this backwards for most of my life. I do not know how long God intends for me to be in full-time ministry with CEF or any other organization, I only know that I cannot imagine spending my time on anything other than eternity.

Uh, oh...

One of the highlights of my weekend was a conversation with a complete stranger about my upcoming move to Arkansas. I was at my little sister's bridal shower when a friend of my sister approached me and in a soft southern accent asked me if I was the one moving to Arkansas. I replied affirmatively and she introduced herself and told me she had grown up in Arkansas and that her husband was from Paris. I briefly wondered whether there was any chance she meant the European city, but before I could ask she said "Arkansas. Paris, Arkansas". Ah.

I began to ask her questions and found out three things. First, Arkansas is humid. When she said this I smugly stated that I had lived in Missouri most of my life and I was use to humidity. She gave a polite little laugh and told me she always found it so humorous when Missourians complained about the humidity.

Uh, oh...

The next thing I learned was that this particular lady really liked the people of Arkansas but had also always felt like one needed a "passport" to visit. "People do have their little quirks" she said, or something like. She gave me the impression, in her sweet southern manner, that I could be in for a culture shock.

Uh, oh...

The last thing I learned was that Little Rock is not a city. I learned this by asking her to compare the size of Little Rock to the size of St. Charles County, where I have spent most of my life. St. Charles County won. Now, St. Charles County is a large county, but in my opinion it should beat any place labeled a city.

Uh, oh...

As I begin to assimilate information related to the new place God is leading me to I find all sorts of things that confront and assault my natural inclinations. Of this, however, I am very sure: God knows what He is doing, and I feel a huge sense of anticipation and excitement. I think this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, replete with "uh, oh" moments, of course, but with the threads of God's grace and favor all woven through. He is a good God and I am sure that he "has prepared me for this very thing".

Vent

I'm so stressed out this week, and today I am super cranky. I just walked into the CEF office to find piles of work on my desk that weren't there yesterday when I left. I really don't have time to write anything on here, but I wanted to vent just a little. I thought this would be easier, but it isn't. I've been crying out to God to change my heart and give me the grace to obey regardless of how I feel. On days like this my brother reminds me that being a Christian doesn't exempt me from my humanity. Sometimes I get a bad attitude because I think it should. Psalm 16 is my meditation today. It is so easy when I am stressed out to reach for physical, solid things to comfort me. It is such a struggle to keep my eyes on the Unseen and have faith that at His right hand there really are pleasures forevermore.

Top Ten

On top of current activities I feel a responsibility to update my blog for all those who actually read it (thanks Karen!). This may or may not be a good time to pull out a famed Top Ten List which my friends and I are so fond of creating. Bored on a road trip? Top Ten List! Wedding speech? Top Ten List (although that one didn't work out quite so well as all of the McDonald's Canadian relatives thought I was a lesbian. True story!)! Just about any major life event? Top Ten List! What's to stop me from creating a Top Ten List in order to keep my readers (Karen) happy? Not one thing. So, without further ado...

Top Ten Things I'm Currently Doing (it's a working title)

10. Reading the last book of C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy. I love it! The dialogue is fantastic. In fact, I wish I were reading it right now.

9. Picking grass out of my hair. Today at work the kids decided to shower me with grass and clover; it was fun for them and me. Today was a perfect day to sit in the grass and just...be.

8. Eating delicious leftover cheesy green beans. Sounds gross, right? I know, I thought the same thing until Joanna made them for me and Nicole for Saturday Night Dinner. Mm, delish!

7. Missing my co-worker, Betsy. She had to go back home to Maine for the summer. Stupid Maine! Now there's no one to keep me relatively sane during the early morning hours or to listen to all of my outrageous stories.

6. Thinking about how I need to get my tires aligned. This is actually important. Today I thought I might be shaken to death as I drove from the CEF office to school.

5. Reading Isaiah. Is it okay to skip all the woes of the upcoming Babylon captivity in chapters 1-36 and just go straight to the good parts of 37-66? I'm thinking about it.

4. Praying for changed hearts. I want the infinite worth of Jesus to be valued in people around me. I want them to really, really love Jesus. Not church Jesus, gospel Jesus.

3. Praying that my life would reflect the infinite worth of Jesus. It's like God is saying "you really want them to value Me above everything else? Is that what you really want? Okay, you first." This comes with a variety of things I don't want and the withholding of a variety of things I do.

2. Digging my summer job with CEF. Today was the first official day and it went surprisingly smoothly. Tomorrow I get to clean up the big mess I made today in the storage closet. I am not a little bit excited. I love summer ministry!

1. Looking forward to bedtime. The month of May will be full of twelve hour days between my regular job and my summer job with CEF. If I can only hold out until May 27th then I will have more than one or two minutes to string together. However, I can't think of a better place than where I am now...

Bonus: I am currently conducting research on Little Rock (you don't think I'd forget why this blog actually exists, do you?). I will update you on all of my findings presently. This morning a little girl in my program passed her official verdict on Little Rock based on family reunions held in that great city : booooooring. I'm going to pretend she's just biased, and 9, which she is, so...she's probably right!

A Prayer and Other Thoughts

"O Lord, by all Thy dealings with us,
whether of joy or pain,
of light or darkness,
let us be brought to Thee.
Let us value no treatment of Thy grace
simply because it makes us happy
or because it makes us sad,
because it gives us or denies us what we want;
but may all that Thou sendest us bring us to Thee,
that, knowing Thy perfectness,
we may be sure in every disappointment that Thou art still loving us,
and in every darkness that Thou art still enlightening us,
and in every enforced idleness that Thou are still using us;
yea, in every death that Thou art still giving us life,
as in His death Thou didst give to Thy Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen."

~ Phillips Brooks

This prayer came to mind the other day and I found it amidst scraps of other prayers and "inspiration" which I've collected over the years. I don't know why I thought of it, only maybe the Lord knows I need a reminder during this season: a reminder to submit to all that He brings into my life and not judge circumstances too quickly, as I am often prone to do. I find myself constantly saying 'well, this happy thing happened, so God must love me" or "this is painful, God must be unhappy with me". I know this is spiritual immaturity in it's most basic form, and I know better than to start with me. I must start with God and His truth (first, He loves me in Christ Jesus, then, because of this, He causes all things to work together for my good) and view my circumstances through that lens. Really, I just need a reminder that His chief goal for my life is not my happiness, and that I will have painful times as He conforms me to His purposes and plans for my life.

Tomorrow I start working with CEF of Greater St. Louis as a Summer Ministry Assistant (it sounds more important than it really is). I am unprepared in just about every way. I am so bone tired. My biggest concern is that I am not spiritually ready for a summer of ministry. I thought I had more time to prepare, but the beginning of May is here already. I bought a plant for my desk today, but I haven't prayed. Oh, so typical. Perhaps if you think about it you can pray that I will seek the Kingdom first and worry about how I look to others later (or not at all).

Some other beginning's end...

I am marching resolutely (or not, as the case sometimes is) toward the end of this season in my life. Now I know that an ending is only the beginning of something else, even death is only the beginning of eternity, but endings for me have always been difficult. This particular season in my life has been so sweet that it is hard to let it go, but the inner restlessness which I have been experiencing for quite awhile now assures me that with this new adventure I am headed in the right direction.

And it is an adventure. As I was considering moving to Little Rock in order to serve full-time with Child Evangelism Fellowship I consulted my family. The female population of my family began to point out all the potential risks involved and as I listened I became more and more convinced that this was a "bad idea". In fact, most women with whom I've shared my plan consider it a "bad idea". One lady from my church actually started crying when I told her about it. Yes, my female friends (mostly) are full of caution and concern.

However, when I told my brother about the opportunity he was all for it. When my resolve began to waver he told me that I had better keep up my end of the deal. The deal was, I told God, that if He opened the doors I would walk right through. In hindsight I probably would have taken the cautious advice of the women in my life if it hadn't been for those piercing words. I'm glad I didn't take their advice, well-intentioned though it was, because this has already been an exciting adventure as I've seen God's hand leading and guiding me through the entire process.

I never thought I would be considering full-time service with CEF again. I bailed (which is exactly the right word) after a few years with this organization and I knew then, as I know now, that God wasn't finished with the work He started in me during my time with CEF. I ran anyway. I ran as far and as fast as I could and it was only a few years ago that I realized my grave mistake. I still remember sitting bereft in a stairwell as my two best friends tried to console me. I wondered if God could, or would, restore the years that I had allowed the locust to eat. God began a work in my heart that night stemming from my true brokenness. The work has continued in various ways during the past few years, but seriously ya'll (I'm just practicing!), I never imagined that the call would come again for full-time service. Not until a month ago.

If you're reading this you know the story, so I won't bother to recount it here, but I will say that I am amazed at the patience of God with which He waits until we, by His grace, get back in step with Him. Over the last few weeks I have been impressed with two things: God has a purpose for my life and it will be accomplished (so don't bother running - it takes too long!) and a burning desire to fully be what God has made me to be. As I see it, God has given me three distinction in my life so far: Christ-follower, woman (daughter, sister, friend go along with this distinction), and, for this season in my life, missionary.

I don't know how long this season of being a missionary will last. Tentatively only a year, and, of course, the time it takes to raise support. I have wrestled with Him about this. I don't want to be a missionary my whole life, or rather more to the point, a single missionary my whole life. Yes, God and I have wrestled about this issue and, as always, He won. I know that if I want to save my life (or anything precious), I have to lose it first, and maybe, finally, forever. It's a sobering thought for me, but frankly, just a part of counting the cost and to gain Christ, no price is too high to pay.

That's why I've entitled this blog Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I am reluctant mainly because I don't know what's ahead and it scares me, and yet, I don't know what's ahead and it delights me. I find this duality in all of life and I figure I've wasted enough time being who I'm not and as a by-product, missing the tremendous blessings that God had/has for me (I trust that He's been saving them for me, just like the Prodigal Son). My hope is that the title won't turn you off.

But my greatest hope is this: that God would get the glory He so richly deserves from my life, and this small part of my life: Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I want to leave you with this exhortation from the Psalms:

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.

Amen, and amen.