Me and Obama

I was over at the house (the t-house to be exact) of a few of my ministry supporters the other week and I spotted my prayer card on their refrigerator.


Am I being held up by Obama? Why yes, yes I am. HIL-arious.

Well, we might not agree on everything (me and Obama, that is) but I hope when my supporters see me and Obama together they pray for us.

The Lord knows we both need it.

Of Leaf Piles and Janitors

People are goofy.

Let's face it: we come up with some pretty crazy ideas. And those crazy ideas, spurred on by our inability to be completely neutral when it comes to ourselves, can lead to hilarious results.

Case in point: an indoor pile of leaves. A big, smelly, possibly bug-infested pile of leaves in an elementary school gymnasium.

Here's how it went down.

While here in St. Louis I'm helping out at a local Good News Club (one of CEF's primary ministries and the area in which I am most involved in Little Rock). I do this because I love the ministry and I need to step out of my deputation role every now and again so I don't go insane. Also, it is good entertainment.

This week was our Thanksgiving Party Club and our club leaders had some fun cooked up for the kids. During the last half an hour of club, after the lessons, and songs, and snacks had all been experienced, one of the club helpers carries in a big brown tarp. The children were told not to look at what he was doing behind them as it was their last big surprise for the day.

It was a big surprise for me too.

Being the Helpful Henrietta that I always am, I tramp over to assist. We spread the brown tarp and then the club helper disappears to his car for the other half of the mysterious prize. He returns a few minutes later carrying three huge (HUGE!) black garbage bags. He begins to rip them open and spread their contents around. In a minute, the middle of the gym looked like this:

A big pile of leaves in the middle of a school gymnasium. I watch in horror as this takes place. I'm so numb that I don't even realize I have ripped open a bag and dumped it's contents out as well, contributing to this nightmare.

At this point, I am unsure of the game we're going to play. Are the kids going to jump in this huge pile of leaves and roll around, scattering the leaves to the far corners of the gym? If this happens, I think, the janitor will have a conniption. And as if on cue, the janitor walks through. He stops, visibly startled. He stares, visibly shaken. Now, I've worked in public schools for many years and I know how persnickety the janitors can be about their floors. And why shouldn't they be? They spend their whole day cleaning up after small children and at the end of the day, they just want a few brief shining moments of spotlessness. Is that too much to ask?

Bottom line: you don't get on the bad side of janitors. They can make or break you in that school. Am I being paranoid? No, not at all. The janitor is a little kingdom unto him or herself so you want to keep him happy. Christmas gifts, Easter bonnets, fruit baskets are all things that can be used to appease a janitor. I've tried operating solely on the basis of my charming wit, but no, that janitor needs a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse every now and again. Never underestimate the power of a well-placed (or played) Blooming Onion.

So I keep a close eye on this janitor, inwardly ringing my hands. What's going to happen next, I think. But the janitor plays it cool and rolls on by. For now. But he is watching. Oh yes, he is watching.


Do you see him there in the doorway? He watched us the whole time. Suspicious unto the point of gathering his other janitor buddies for a good beat down. But as he found out a few anxious moments later (for him and for me) that would prove to be completely unnecessary.

Again, I found myself an unwitting participant in The Great Leaf Debacle of 2010 as I begin to hid toys throughout this giant pile of leaves. Then the kids descended upon it with great vigor to find their treasures.


I have to admit, although I would never have attempted, let alone thought of this idea, the kids loved it, and they even stuck around for the clean up, which might have actually been the real fun, as is so often the case.

So would I, as a ministry coordinator of Good News Clubs, recommend recreating a yard in the middle of a school gymnasium to my teachers back in Little Rock? Probably not. But no harm, no foul. It was a pure, unadulterated case of a goofy idea turning out brilliantly, and at the end of the day, I was glad to be apart of it.

Especially since the janitor doesn't know where I live.

Staying the Course

I'm back "home" (where is home for a missionary?) after Missionary Candidate School, and as the saying goes, now comes the hard part.

But I feel sort of adrift, coming back to reality after dwelling for a few weeks in the world that is CEF IHQ. I love that place. It's a sort of home where people I love and admire come and go, work and rest, laugh and cry. We are truly a Fellowship.

This morning the VP of International Ministries painted a picture for us of the work around the world for us. It sort of devastated me. I wanted to run to my room and cry for a bit, but instead I went to lunch and cried there (on a side note: is there no place I won't cry? Answer: no, not a one).

As he was speaking (which is a treat to me for several reasons, not the least of which is his lovely Irish accent) he commented on a worker in Africa whose work among the people "shows the value of a life dedicated to ministry". That statement sort of blew me away and left me numb. The value of a life dedicated to God working out through ministry (whatever that "ministry" looks like in your life). What could be scarier, higher, or lovelier?

God continues to remind me of His faithfulness and of how beautifully He leads me through all the twists and turns of life. Now I'm impressed by the need to stay the course in the ministry He has called me to and for which He has gifted me. He has a call on my life which I have often fought against and tried to thwart, but it remains. I'm still in awe of it and often wrestle with the consequences of it, but I also love it. There is a lot of peace that comes by walking in His purposes, even when the hard times come.

So, now I'm done with a little bit of my journey. But I keep on walking. Soli Deo gloria.

"Keep Eating that Cheese"

I am here.

Where is "here"? CEF International Headquarters. This is my first full day of Candidate School (where they teach us about the important ministry of support raising) and I am exhausted. However, I had to share this story.

Today we candidates were treated to a tour of IHQ. We stopped to gaze out at the relatively new Kraft Prayer Garden. It's a beautiful spot where we gather to pray for the states and the ministry taking place in each (we have a front garden for international ministry, in case you were wondering).

We have many buildings and rooms and gardens here with namesakes and there is always an interesting story behind each. Our tour guide, who also doubles as my ministry coach, pointed out the window and explained "this is the Kraft Prayer Garden. As in Kraft Foods." We all exclaimed over this fact, and my delightful ministry coach said with a straight face "that's right. So, keep eating that cheese."

Words to live by.

Plastic Pop Beads

God keeps slapping me in the face with Mark 8:35: "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."

It's been over a year now since that verse got stuck in my devotional craw. I think this means that the truth of it hasn't sunk in enough to actually change my heart; God has to keep bringing me back to it until I learn the lesson.

Today I made a list of everything that I fear this verse might mean in my life. All the things that I fear God could, is, will call me to give up for His sake. It was a depressing list. It filled me dread.

But it was also freeing. All of the best things in life are nothing compared to Christ and the surpassing worth of knowing Him. That is the truth.

Big things, little things, He wants them all. He wants all of me, my dearest treasures, my fondest hopes. He wants me to bow my knee to the truth that He is better than any of those things and by faith live out the consequences of this belief. He wants me to put my hope in Him.

I read this story today and I wanted to share. It's from a transcript of a message given at Urbana 1984 by Joanne Shetler.

"I will never forget the story of the little girl whose daddy had given her some plastic pop beads. Now they were poor but she loved her daddy. And so she loved those beads. She wore them everywhere. She wore them to church; she wore them to school; she wore them to bed. She never took her beads off. They were the thing she loved most. One day her daddy came home, and asked her for those little beads back. She was incredulous. He asked again, and she got tears in her eyes. He asked a third time, and she was torn. She couldn't understand. Why is this? She loved those beads. She loved her daddy. Finally, sobbing, she took off her beads and put them in her daddy's hand. And then, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a string of real pearls and put them around her neck."

What is getting in the way of truly knowing Him and making Him my treasure? What are the plastic pop beads of my life? I've made a list, although, undoubtedly I'll have different priorities at different times of my life. I will constantly have to lay my treasures down.

But, amazingly, I want to. I want to show others the surpassing worth of Jesus by not making the things of this world my treasure. It's hard, of course, because everything worthwhile is costly. But it is worth it. God's Word testifies to this truth, and so do countless Christians before and beside me. And I want to be one of those who have counted it all loss, and found riches untold at the foot of Jesus.

Pearls for my pop beads.

The Reluctant Missionary

Dear Friends,

Sometimes I just want to chuck it all, load my things into the car, and hightail it back to Missouri. There are some days I feel really discouraged and alone, just me in the CEF office, the missionary that time forgot.

Listen, I know how truly bratty and self-centered that sounds. I do. But it doesn't stop me from thinking it and feeling it. Oh, the feelings that come from such a deceitful heart as mine.

This month I have done more pouting than praying. I think about all my friends at home going about their business, happily oblivious of ME suffering all ALONE on the MISSION FIELD. Yeah, I know. I'm ridiculous.

I am a little bit prone to depression. I know this about myself and usually I can deal with it by telling myself that "this too shall pass". And it always does. Also, I knew before I moved to Little Rock how truly depressing and lonely the mission field can be at times. I am not new to this party. Sometimes I see all the little newbie missionaries entering the field so excited and hyped up and I think rather cynically "oh, just you wait..."

Well, this blog isn't entitled "Confessions of a Super Happy Missionary", now is it? No, it is not.

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my head this past month. I have almost been in Little Rock for six months now. There are some days when I really, really love this city and the people here. And there are some days when I just want to sleep (classic depression) and eat carbs (I have gained a good ten pounds since Christmas. This cannot continue).

Before I came onto the field the mission board that interviewed me asked me how I was going to cope when things got tough. I rather smugly replied "trust in God's sovereignty", "of course", I added in my head, "I'm a Calvinist for pity sakes". I could tell they were impressed.

But you know what's NOT impressive? That now, six months later I am NOT trusting in God's sovereignty. Last night I looked up an article regarding depression on my favorite counseling website CCEF (check it out!). I wanted pity and a good excuse to be depressed. I got this instead, in an article by Ed Welsh:

The other path (isolated independence) is the more common one, even among Christians. Even if you believe that God has revealed himself to you in Jesus Christ, it doesn’t seem to make much difference. You don’t feel as though you are consciously avoiding God. You are just trying to survive. But if you look closely you will notice that you are pushing God away. Look at the tell-tale signs:

* You have no hope, even though Scripture, God’s words to you, offers hope on almost every page. Here’s just one example, “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:21–23).

* You think life is meaningless, even though you are a servant of the King and every small step of obedience resonates throughout eternity. This is God’s purpose for you today, “For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6).

* You think God doesn’t care, even though Scripture makes it clear that we run from God, not vice versa. Listen to what God says to you, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

* In other words, in many areas of life, you simply do not believe what God says.

Well, what do you know, Ed Welsh?

Last night I shut the site down and went back to my silent pout fest, and then to sleep. This morning I was still alive, so I figured God had, in His grace, once again given me a chance to repent and return. As I lay in bed I read the first few verses of Romans 5. Something about suffering producing endurance? But it's not. Why? Because I'm not believing God's promises.

As I climbed the steps to the CEF office this morning I pray for God to soften my heart and use this time for His purposes, which are hidden to me right now. I want endurance, I want character, I want that hope of eternal bliss in the presence of my Savior. I want to gaze on His loveliness for all of eternity...the time to start is now.

Will you pray for me? As you can tell, I need an attitude check. I don't want to waste this experience in sin and despair. I know God wants me here and I know He is faithful. He hasn't moved, I have. Pray for repentance and a return to Him with my whole heart.

Thanks!

Signed,

The Reluctant Misisonary

P.S. I listen to this CD A LOT when I have days like this. It is good to set my mind on the attributes of God and just worship, preaching the gospel to my own heart. Get. It.