I'm back "home" (where is home for a missionary?) after Missionary Candidate School, and as the saying goes, now comes the hard part.
But I feel sort of adrift, coming back to reality after dwelling for a few weeks in the world that is CEF IHQ. I love that place. It's a sort of home where people I love and admire come and go, work and rest, laugh and cry. We are truly a Fellowship.
This morning the VP of International Ministries painted a picture for us of the work around the world for us. It sort of devastated me. I wanted to run to my room and cry for a bit, but instead I went to lunch and cried there (on a side note: is there no place I won't cry? Answer: no, not a one).
As he was speaking (which is a treat to me for several reasons, not the least of which is his lovely Irish accent) he commented on a worker in Africa whose work among the people "shows the value of a life dedicated to ministry". That statement sort of blew me away and left me numb. The value of a life dedicated to God working out through ministry (whatever that "ministry" looks like in your life). What could be scarier, higher, or lovelier?
God continues to remind me of His faithfulness and of how beautifully He leads me through all the twists and turns of life. Now I'm impressed by the need to stay the course in the ministry He has called me to and for which He has gifted me. He has a call on my life which I have often fought against and tried to thwart, but it remains. I'm still in awe of it and often wrestle with the consequences of it, but I also love it. There is a lot of peace that comes by walking in His purposes, even when the hard times come.
So, now I'm done with a little bit of my journey. But I keep on walking. Soli Deo gloria.
Showing posts with label Calling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Calling. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Quote
"In all these other matters what you call obeying Him is but doing what seems good in your own eyes also. Is love content with that? You do them, indeed, because they are His will, but not only because they are His will. Where can you taste the joy of obeying unless He bids you do something for which His bidding is the only reason?"
- C.S Lewis, from Perelandra
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Some other beginning's end...
I am marching resolutely (or not, as the case sometimes is) toward the end of this season in my life. Now I know that an ending is only the beginning of something else, even death is only the beginning of eternity, but endings for me have always been difficult. This particular season in my life has been so sweet that it is hard to let it go, but the inner restlessness which I have been experiencing for quite awhile now assures me that with this new adventure I am headed in the right direction.
And it is an adventure. As I was considering moving to Little Rock in order to serve full-time with Child Evangelism Fellowship I consulted my family. The female population of my family began to point out all the potential risks involved and as I listened I became more and more convinced that this was a "bad idea". In fact, most women with whom I've shared my plan consider it a "bad idea". One lady from my church actually started crying when I told her about it. Yes, my female friends (mostly) are full of caution and concern.
However, when I told my brother about the opportunity he was all for it. When my resolve began to waver he told me that I had better keep up my end of the deal. The deal was, I told God, that if He opened the doors I would walk right through. In hindsight I probably would have taken the cautious advice of the women in my life if it hadn't been for those piercing words. I'm glad I didn't take their advice, well-intentioned though it was, because this has already been an exciting adventure as I've seen God's hand leading and guiding me through the entire process.
I never thought I would be considering full-time service with CEF again. I bailed (which is exactly the right word) after a few years with this organization and I knew then, as I know now, that God wasn't finished with the work He started in me during my time with CEF. I ran anyway. I ran as far and as fast as I could and it was only a few years ago that I realized my grave mistake. I still remember sitting bereft in a stairwell as my two best friends tried to console me. I wondered if God could, or would, restore the years that I had allowed the locust to eat. God began a work in my heart that night stemming from my true brokenness. The work has continued in various ways during the past few years, but seriously ya'll (I'm just practicing!), I never imagined that the call would come again for full-time service. Not until a month ago.
If you're reading this you know the story, so I won't bother to recount it here, but I will say that I am amazed at the patience of God with which He waits until we, by His grace, get back in step with Him. Over the last few weeks I have been impressed with two things: God has a purpose for my life and it will be accomplished (so don't bother running - it takes too long!) and a burning desire to fully be what God has made me to be. As I see it, God has given me three distinction in my life so far: Christ-follower, woman (daughter, sister, friend go along with this distinction), and, for this season in my life, missionary.
I don't know how long this season of being a missionary will last. Tentatively only a year, and, of course, the time it takes to raise support. I have wrestled with Him about this. I don't want to be a missionary my whole life, or rather more to the point, a single missionary my whole life. Yes, God and I have wrestled about this issue and, as always, He won. I know that if I want to save my life (or anything precious), I have to lose it first, and maybe, finally, forever. It's a sobering thought for me, but frankly, just a part of counting the cost and to gain Christ, no price is too high to pay.
That's why I've entitled this blog Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I am reluctant mainly because I don't know what's ahead and it scares me, and yet, I don't know what's ahead and it delights me. I find this duality in all of life and I figure I've wasted enough time being who I'm not and as a by-product, missing the tremendous blessings that God had/has for me (I trust that He's been saving them for me, just like the Prodigal Son). My hope is that the title won't turn you off.
But my greatest hope is this: that God would get the glory He so richly deserves from my life, and this small part of my life: Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I want to leave you with this exhortation from the Psalms:
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
Amen, and amen.
And it is an adventure. As I was considering moving to Little Rock in order to serve full-time with Child Evangelism Fellowship I consulted my family. The female population of my family began to point out all the potential risks involved and as I listened I became more and more convinced that this was a "bad idea". In fact, most women with whom I've shared my plan consider it a "bad idea". One lady from my church actually started crying when I told her about it. Yes, my female friends (mostly) are full of caution and concern.
However, when I told my brother about the opportunity he was all for it. When my resolve began to waver he told me that I had better keep up my end of the deal. The deal was, I told God, that if He opened the doors I would walk right through. In hindsight I probably would have taken the cautious advice of the women in my life if it hadn't been for those piercing words. I'm glad I didn't take their advice, well-intentioned though it was, because this has already been an exciting adventure as I've seen God's hand leading and guiding me through the entire process.
I never thought I would be considering full-time service with CEF again. I bailed (which is exactly the right word) after a few years with this organization and I knew then, as I know now, that God wasn't finished with the work He started in me during my time with CEF. I ran anyway. I ran as far and as fast as I could and it was only a few years ago that I realized my grave mistake. I still remember sitting bereft in a stairwell as my two best friends tried to console me. I wondered if God could, or would, restore the years that I had allowed the locust to eat. God began a work in my heart that night stemming from my true brokenness. The work has continued in various ways during the past few years, but seriously ya'll (I'm just practicing!), I never imagined that the call would come again for full-time service. Not until a month ago.
If you're reading this you know the story, so I won't bother to recount it here, but I will say that I am amazed at the patience of God with which He waits until we, by His grace, get back in step with Him. Over the last few weeks I have been impressed with two things: God has a purpose for my life and it will be accomplished (so don't bother running - it takes too long!) and a burning desire to fully be what God has made me to be. As I see it, God has given me three distinction in my life so far: Christ-follower, woman (daughter, sister, friend go along with this distinction), and, for this season in my life, missionary.
I don't know how long this season of being a missionary will last. Tentatively only a year, and, of course, the time it takes to raise support. I have wrestled with Him about this. I don't want to be a missionary my whole life, or rather more to the point, a single missionary my whole life. Yes, God and I have wrestled about this issue and, as always, He won. I know that if I want to save my life (or anything precious), I have to lose it first, and maybe, finally, forever. It's a sobering thought for me, but frankly, just a part of counting the cost and to gain Christ, no price is too high to pay.
That's why I've entitled this blog Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I am reluctant mainly because I don't know what's ahead and it scares me, and yet, I don't know what's ahead and it delights me. I find this duality in all of life and I figure I've wasted enough time being who I'm not and as a by-product, missing the tremendous blessings that God had/has for me (I trust that He's been saving them for me, just like the Prodigal Son). My hope is that the title won't turn you off.
But my greatest hope is this: that God would get the glory He so richly deserves from my life, and this small part of my life: Confessions of a Reluctant Missionary. I want to leave you with this exhortation from the Psalms:
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
Amen, and amen.
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