Good News Club

Good News Clubs are wrapping up around the Little Rock area and I am enjoying my visits to each one. I am genuinely in love with the workers from each church that make these clubs possible. They are a delight and on each visit I enjoy getting to know them just a little bit better. Relationships can be messy, but I don't think there is anything better than getting good and entangled in someone else's life, and struggling forward together. We need to do this in the Body of Christ, especially in the Body of Christ.

Anyway, yesterday I visit two clubs located in the heart of the city. The first club had grown from five kids in the first six week session to thirty kids in the second. One of the girls who attended the first session ran over to me and gave me a hug. "I thought you had forgotten about us!", she exclaimed. I explained to her that I was helping other boys and girls at other schools learn about Jesus. This seemed to satisfy her and she ran back to join the group.

In this club I rotated between two groups of children - the rowdy little ones and the rambunctious older ones - and observed them learning Bible verses, participating in an object lesson about sin, writing down prayer requests for the "God Can", constructing a craft, and hearing about Satan's fall, not to mention singing, loudly, "God loves me, I know He does...", complete with clapping, stomping, and chest thumps.

Near the end of club, one of the leaders ran over to her co-leader and whispered something furtively in her ear. The co-leader's face broke into a wide smile. I later learned that they were discussing two little girls from this past summer's outreach who had heard the gospel at a 5-Day Club and since then had been coming to church regularly. The leader had learned at church the previous day that the two little girls plan on being baptized very soon. And there was much rejoicing.

It is wonderful to work with people who have such a burden to reach others with the gospel. Sometimes it feels like we're not getting anywhere, but then I am reminded how God can use little things, even years later, to bring someone to Himself. I continue to hear testimony of people who first heard the gospel and believed at a Good News Club. Children are such complicated little creatures. Who knows how God will choose to work in their lives?

These visits renew my vision and encourage me to just keep going. Ministry can be such a guessing game at times. There's not a set formula for ministry "success", and anyway, the definition of success is sketchy at best when it comes to ministry. Faithful obedience is what counts, and that is hard. I often forget that while I'm here in my little office answering e-mail, returning phone calls, planning training sessions, and praying, that lives are being changed.

It's good to be reminded every once in awhile.

Decisions

Decision, decisions. Why are they so hard to make?

Today I was blessed with another phone call from a dear friend helping me to think through the big decision that lays before me. I confessed to her just how much fear I feel in completely relinquishing the direction of my life to God. I am just so afraid that what He has for me will not be enough.

How awful does that sound? I am holding onto my life because I mistakenly assume it will safer in my own hands, than in His. Of course, the truth that God's way is perfect is a lot easier to acknowledge when it's on the pages of Scripture, than when it comes bursting into my personal life, demanding it's rights, demanding that I bow to it's truth.

But God does have rights over me. I have been bought with a price; I am not my own. I could sing of Your love forever...until it asks me to count the cost. Yesterday as I was talking with Joanna, we had almost decided that I could do whatever I wanted, until I remembered and quoted the verse: "If you love mother or father more than Me, you are not worthy of Me." All Joanna could say was "dang it!" Dang it, indeed.

I came across this quotation in a book by Amy Carmichael while thinking and praying over this decision. For me I think it pretty much comes down to this:

"If we refuse to be corns of wheat falling into the ground and dying; if we will neither sacrifice prospects, nor risk character, and property and health, nor, when we are called, relinquish home and break family ties, for Christ's sake and His gospel, then we shall abide alone...of all the plans for securing success the most certain is Christ's own, becoming a corn of wheat, falling into the ground and dying." - Thomas Gejaten Ragland

This quote hits me so hard because I am dazzled by success. It is definitely an idol in my life. I want to be successful, but more importantly, I want to be thought successful. This present course than I am on, as far as I can see, affords me none of the success that I so ardently crave. But why do I crave this worldly success? Is it an attempt to earn acceptance? I think so. And I am dismayed by this truth. If only it were easier to grasp the fact that I am accepted in Christ, and His acceptance is all that truly matters.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm sharing all of this. Hopefully, it will help someone else think about counting the cost of obedience. Or give them hope that they aren't the only ones who struggle with surrender. Because, quite frankly, I'm reading through missionary biographies, and they all seem to be running toward the field. But what if you're sort of plodding toward the field, hoping God may change His mind? Is that okay, too? I don't know, but I don't want to be a Jonah. I think I sort of wrestled with this when the call first came to come to Arkansas, only then, it was for a year, whereas now, who knows? This is a much bigger reality to me. A year of my life? Okay. The rest of my life? Can I get back to you on that?

But it's not, of course, only a matter of the mission field. It's a matter of my whole life. Am I willing to surrender my whole life my whole lifelong to God's plans for me? Scary. Very, very scary.

I don't know what God is teaching me through all this, but I do know that He has shown me some places in my life where I need to repent of my pride and bad attitudes and come to a renewed trust in His sovereignty AND a humility which trustingly accepts that His ways are better than mine. Perhaps through all of this, He will work in my heart a renewed vigor for the mission field that used to be there when I was nine (also, I sort of want to go back in time to the nine year old me and say "hey, knock it off, kid!") and eighteen (again, I would say "stop. Stop being so starry-eyed!) but I sort of feel that, just as in salvation, some calls are irrevocable...and I just need to come to terms with it.

Oh, dear. If only there was some sort of formula for decision-making, but there's not. I'm trusting God to show me the way. I appreciate your prayers and your comments. And also those people who I can dump all of my hardest questions on and say "well, what do you make of that?". It's amazing to experience God's faithfulness and love through the love and faithfulness of others.

Decisions!

Eight Months

I know that more often than not this blog has been a place for me to blow off steam, moan about the hard things, or throw out my questions regarding the past, present, and future. But today, today, I have some glorious news. News that has taken me eight months, eight freaking months, to announce: two of our partner churches are finally coming together for ministry!

Big deal, you say. Oh, if only you knew the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into pulling this off, you'd understand how truly fantastic this news is. Delays on their end, my end, everybody's end, nearly succeeded in keeping me in the very pit of despair regarding this partnership. But praise be to God who orders all things according to His glorious counsel, finally, finally, we'll all be coming together for training and ministry.

Do you hear it? It's the angels singing. No, don't say I'm blowing it out of proportion, because when you've been waiting eight months (eight freaking months) for something which seemed at the time so very easy to orchestrate, and which looked as if it might never take place -- in other words, something truly impossible -- this is nothing short of a miracle. In fact, I think it might be. And I wanted to record it because I think it just might be a harbinger of things to come.

Wreckage

I went for a really long drive on the back roads of Little Rock today. Spring is bursting out all over the place and the trees, bushes, and flowers are all in bloom. The grass seems perkier as well and I enjoyed its vibrant green color against the blue skies.

I went driving with the radio turned on and my thoughts for the most part turned off. Sometimes you need to do this in order to achieve a renewed level of sanity. But my thoughts eventually turned back on. It is sometimes surprising to find out what is lurking in the recesses of the mind. At least for me. We live in a world of constant stimulation, and it is so easy (scarily so) to ignore your own heart. Don't want to deal with an issue? BOOM! Log onto Facebook and hear about someone else's for a little while, or at least long enough to forget your own.

What is lurking in my heart? Honestly, a whole lot of anger. This is not surprising to me. It seems that my whole life long I have been dealing with anger about something or other. I think I have many really good reasons to be angry, and many good reason to be not angry. Some of the good reasons why I am angry include other people's sin. I am angry at the way their sin has affected my whole life. I am a broken human being because of someone else's sin.

At the same time, I'm sure other people can say the same of me. We are all broken because of sin. I once heard a quote which went along the lines of "we all live in the wreckage of other people's sin". Sad, profound, and true. I know there are some who would instantly disagree with me and claim that "Jesus came to give me victory!" or platitudes like that, but the plain fact is that while Jesus did achieve the ultimate victory over sin, and one day we will live in a world redeemed from the Fall, we still live in a very, very sinful world.

This is evident all around us, and sometimes it touches us very close to home. I have lived through my share of heartache due to the effects of sin, and it makes me very angry. At the same time, there is a lot of hope in this sin-sick world, a lot of redemption, and I see it all around me. Men who get up in the morning and are faithful to do the right thing even when others around them fail. That gives me hope. Women who love imperfect people imperfectly and will never stop. That gives me hope.

I spoke on the phone with one of my best friends in the world last night. We talked, among other things, about the wreckage we live in everyday. It has touched and changed each of us. She asked and I talked about how I am mostly completely flummoxed by this year in Little Rock. Most days I wake up and think "what-the-h am I doing here?". It makes no sense to me. My life here is so ordinary and I can't for the life of me comprehend the lessons God is teaching me. This makes me kind of nervous. I need some justification for moving away from my friends and family, my life, to Jacksonville, Arkansas, of all places. I thought God had some big, grand reason for moving me here, and although I know beyond a doubt that He wanted me here, I still want a really good, crystal-clear reason for it. So far, no dice.

So what is God doing? The not-knowing makes me angry, confused, and a little doubtful. The last three years of my life have been such a roller-coaster of events, emotions, and spiritual growth all moving me to a place that I didn't expect or want at all: here. While I was making the decision to move here, people kept saying "you should just do what you want to do", which annoyed me to no end. What I wanted to do was exactly the opposite of this, but what do you do when what you want to do isn't an option? Well, you do the next best thing, or in my case, the next possible thing. You obey the light you've been given even as the darkness closes around what you really wanted.

When what we expect to happen doesn't, we are left with so many broken pieces to make sense of, and then, hopefully, gracefully, to move on from into the life we had never imagined, but are nonetheless living. How do we do that? I am still struggling with this question. My times with God are still filled with questions, and even sometimes accusations, mingled with pleas for direction. What now? Where now?

I guess this is a post I've had bottled up in me for a few months now, ever since I closed the door finally and completely on a part of my life that I held far too dear for far too long. I am a fool for clinging so completely to such incomplete happiness. My hands are loose now, and what do I grasp? My Savior, of course, who is the only One who can make sense of my life in the end, who IS my life in the end. I thought I was clinging to Him, but I realize now that I was grasping Him in one hand while holding onto my own plans with the other. Now that both hands are free to grasp Him, I feel a little off-balanced. My other hand is still trying to cling onto other things besides Him. Foolish, but redeemable, girl.

My life is filled with dichotomy. I am surrounded by wreckage and beauty, good and evil, joy and pain. I know there are many "reasons" that I can't fully comprehend or even appreciate now in the midst of it. Maybe I should let go of my desire to know, and instead rest. I always like to end my blog posts on a happy note, or at least a note of hope; resolution would probably be the best word for it, actually. Oh, but things are not resolved. Not at all.

But I'm not working on figuring it all; I'm working on trusting.

Taking Stock

Well, like it or not, I'm back in Little Rock.

That is what I tell myself "like it or not, Jeanne. You're back in Little Rock." Before Christmas break I was feeling worn out and discouraged. Like I was treading water, but not really getting anywhere, and my frustration level was at an all-time high. So I went to Missouri for a few weeks, and didn't think about any of it. Surprisingly, it didn't all just disappear. What a shock.

But now that I'm back, it's time to take stock of the situation. It's the same for the most part. I did, however, manage to get in touch with a club coordinator who likes to Stonewall Jackson me and he sounded really glad to hear from me and even told me to "keep warm in this cold weather! Ha, ha, ha!". It was so strange that after I got off the phone I sat for a few minutes just staring into space, not quite certain if I had entered the Twilight Zone, or not. Body snatchers? I thought. Drugs? I don't know. It was a weird, but also very pleasant, surprise.

Earlier this week I got the "revelation" that we have five Good News Club going in the Little Rock area. Five! That's a 500% increase over last year. It's not thirty, which was the projected goal, but it is something. And every one of those clubs has a story, which, if I sat down and told you, you would probably be extremely bored by, but I know them, and that's enough. I know the coordinators, the teachers, the children. I've cried over them, prayed over them, laughed over them, wanted to curse over them a few times, and, well, enjoyed them.

Now I'm back in the saddle again, praying that God would soften my hardened and all-too-easily frustrated heart. As I said, every one of the clubs (five) and potential clubs (twenty), has a story. As a Type A, goal-oriented person it's hard for me not to view them as simply a check mark on my to-do list. I have a job to do, for pity sakes' , and I want to do it well. If you, partner church, don't get your act together, how will that happen? Sigh...

But these are churches made up of individuals with issues, hurts, joys, agendas, and also, sin. Just like me. Will we have thirty After-school Good News Clubs by the time I leave Little Rock? Doubtful. But as I've always suspected, ministry is meant to change me. And currently my heart is overwhelmed by the conviction that I haven't prayed enough for this ministry and the individual lives directly involved in it. It appears to me that most, if not all, of my effort over the past four months has been driven by my flesh instead of by the Spirit. This is, of course, to my shame.

I am currently pondering the verse from 1 Timothy which says to "discipline yourselves for the purpose of godliness", which includes the discipline of prayer, but more on that later. Much more. For now I am thankful that despite all of my effort, God has still seen fit to bless us with five Good News Clubs. Grace is abundant indeed.

Like it or not, I'm back in Little Rock! :)

Update from Little Rock

I've been working with CEF of Central Arkansas for two months now, and I know it sounds so cliche, but it's hard to believe. Honestly, it feels like I've been here for a much longer period of time, and yet I feel like I'm just now getting the hang of things. Really, just ten more months? I don't think I'll be done with Little Rock by then. Possibly it will be done with me, though. I don't know what that means exactly, but it sounds cryptic, doesn't it?

I love this job. At times I feel guilty for drawing a salary for doing this thing I love so much. I hope no one finds out! There have been frustrations, yes, and lots of them. One them is connecting with contacts from each church in order to get their Good News Club started. Today, after many ignored phone messages, one of the churches finally got back to me and told me the bad news: they decided they didn't want to hold a club after all. This is totally fine with me.

I know I'm supposed to feel indignant that they are revoking the commitment they made to CEF in the spring. Possibly I should fall to the floor screaming "NOOOOOOO!", but honestly what makes me the most peeved is that they don't just tell me. They knew, probably right after Little Rock '09, that they had no intention of holding a Good News Club this fall. Why drag out the inevitable? I have so many other churches who actually want to hold a club that it frustrates me to expend so much effort in trying to contact a church that isn't really into CEF when I could be pouring that time and effort into a church that really is into CEF.

Like one of the children's pastors here who heads up our first ever After-school Good News Club. He and his team have been working for over a year to start this club, and when I go to visit I just smile. First of all, the kids love him and his team. Secondly, he is super organized - he color-codes AND alphabetizes. I'm so in love! And today a member of the team called me to tell me that he had talked with a principal from Bald Knob (I have no idea where that is) this weekend who wants a Good News Club in her school. They're doing my work for me! I'm not offended by churches with no heart for this ministry, certainly God doesn't call everyone to it, and that's okay, but they could at least stop wasting my time. Augh!

Tomorrow is, Lord willing, going to be another full day as I meet with three different churches to discuss clubs. I love these meetings because I'm able to sit down and hear other people's stories, and they are always so interesting, both the people and the stories. One of the meetings is with one of my favorite ministers from a local Methodist church. I talked with him today, and after I had identified myself ("hello, this is Jeanne Hulme with CEF...") he exclaimed "hello my friend!", like we were best pals, even though I have only met him once, and only talked with him a few times since then. Gotta love these Southerners...

Yes, it's been a good few months all in all, and from all appearances it will only get better. God is so faithful and kind, that I have experienced, well, all of my life really, but certainly during these last few months especially. What His Word says is true: there is no want when you follow Him.

Goodnight, y'all.

Good News Club

This afternoon the first official After-school Good News Club was held in the Greater Little Rock area!

Actually, the club was held in a school district outside of Little Rock in the small community of Vilonia. We had fifteen children in attendance, and the club went off without a hitch. It was the very first After-school Good News Club I had ever attended, taught, and supervised. It was a little backwards, but it worked. God sometimes surprises me with crazy things like that.

I continue to experience moments of culture shock here in Arkansas, and today was no exception. When CEF first starts an After-school Good News Club in a new school you expect people to be a bit leary or suspicious of the program, as if we where there to brainwash the children with our dirty Jesus-talk. I "expected" that this would be the case in Vilonia as well. Not so. From the moment we walked in the school personnal were laughing and joking around with the team, which consisted of the children's pastor and three other members of the congregation.

As we walked into the library to set up our sign-in station, the librarians greeted us warmly with their soft southern drawls, and a few minutes later one of them whipped out a photo album. The three older members of our team flocked over to her ooo-ing and aw-ing over pictures of her grandchildren. Pastor Dan must have read my mind as I stood there watching this scene unfold. "Yeah, this is a real closed-knit community...", he said by way of explanation. I flashed him a smile, not minding one bit. There are times when I am thankful for smooth sailing and receptive hearts!

I can't help but fall in love with the people of Arkansas. I am really such a snob sometimes, but if I had to stick around here for awhile, I don't think it would be the worse thing. In fact, it just might be the best thing that's ever happened to me. Confession time? Little Rock is starting to feel like home, and the people here are leaving their mark on my heart.

First Pictures

A few random pictures from my first few weeks here.

Welcome to Arkansas, the natural state.

And this is where the magic happens, folks...

My coffemaker. Yes, it's that important.

Baxter, a dog I met my second week here. You'll notice he's sitting on my bed. Cheeky little fellow, but I like him.

I took this picture right across the street from my little church, Christ Church Conway. You'll notice the sign proudly proclaims "Conway - Home of Kris Allen". Who is Kris Allen? Only the most recent winner of American Idol! Conway, Arkansas, is his hometown and about thirty minutes away from Little Rock.

Well, that's it. A few snapshots of my world here in Arkansas.

The Purple Cow, or Joanna and Jeanne Laugh Their Heads Off

Once upon a time, when Karen, Joanna, and Jeanne were in junior high they fancied themselves writers. This belief led them to compose a dreadfully silly, drama-soaked missive simply titled "Our Saga". One of the characters in the aforementioned story was a cow of purple persuasion, aptly named "The Purple Cow". He even had a theme song, which was actually just a Phil Keaggy song with the words "Purple Cow" inserted where "Love Divine" had once been. Sometimes the girls still sing it when they are in a silly mood, or when they are at a one-of-a-kind restaurant named "Purple Cow"!

Karen found "Purple Cow" in a travel guide. Of course, we knew we had to go. When we got there we found our own table and ordered, what else, Purple Cow milkshakes and malts, vanilla-flavored purple madness. This picture is simply entitled, "Purple Gluttony".

After we all drank A LOT of purple milkshake I threatened to "purple throw-up". Karen did not appreciate that, but Joanna, she of the iron-stomach (except where pickles are concerned), drank on. I have never been more proud of her.

After we had our fill of purple, we ventured outside. Karen insisted we pose in front of the "Purple Cow" sign. We tired out hardest, but we couldn't keep a straight face. Especially when a lady sitting on the patio of the restaurant gave us a look as if to say "what the heck is wrong with those girls? They should know better!" Indeed, we should.

Observe the way Joanna imitates the women. She started laughing and as we all know, once Joanna starts laughing, I do. Karen simply sighed (she was always the more mature one. Even her "Saga" entries were more refined, if such a thing could be possible), and muttered "typical". Well, yes, but I think that's why she loves us so much.

Finally we got it together.

I'm so glad Karen and Joanna came to visit me this weekend. I love them so much! Wouldn't you?

The Weekend in Pictures

This weekend Karen and Joanna made the seven hour trek from St. Louis to Little Rock for Labor Day weekend, bringing some much-needed laughter and fun with them. It is so good to be around people who know you so completely and like you anyway! Here are some photos from this weekend, along with the accompanying stories, or course.

Karen and Joanna met Bud and Nancy, my host family for the year.

Don't they look like fun? When Joanna thanked Nancy for allowing them to visit for the weekend Nancy said, "oh, well, we really had no choice" in her off-beat way. Joanna laughed and laughed. So did I.

Randy and Ferdine are missionaries in Italy with SIM. They have been staying at the Big Blue Farmhouse for their summer furlough, but left today. My life will be much less interesting now that Randy isn't around to pick up the dog and dance with him across the room.

Karen, Joanna, and I had many adventures this weekend, including trying to track down the "little rock" of Little Rock. We didn't ultimately succeed in that quest, but we did find many other interesting sites, including this big statue of Casimir Pulaski. He is Karen's personal hero, affording her a day off from school once a year. Can you see the admiration in her eyes?

Well, you could see it if she didn't have her super cool sunglasses on.

Speaking of Karen, she made an unexpected friend in Little Rock. MacGregor-dog fell in love with her! While I basically ignore him (except when he slobbers on my dress pants, or knocks books out of my hand in a desperate bid for attention, or barks, barks, barks his head off at 5:30 in the morning, at which times I scold him), Karen taught him to shake paws. Nancy is still talking about how much she liked Karen, and even MacGregor looks a little depressed. Karen, come back!

Oh, sure, he looks innocent enough, cute even, but don't let him fool you. His bark is chilling, especially early in the morning.

Before they left, Karen took a pciture of me in my pajamas (and not even my cute ones! In fact, I think Randy mocked them at breakfast) in front of the Big Blue Farmhouse. I include it only because I want you to see where I live. It's quite picturesque, don't you think?

Well, that's enough for tonight. Come back tomorrow for pictures detailing our trip to the Purple Cow.

Brave

Well, tomorrow morning (Lord willing) I leave for Little Rock. My little blue Saturn will be stuffed to the gills with things that constitute a life, or at least, my life. As I was thinking of all the things I might possibly miss when I go to Little Rock, the "things" that stand out in my mind are, of course, not things, but people. I will miss my family and friends most of all. I will miss relationships.

This morning in my devotions I asked the Lord what He might possibly want me to learn from this year, or what the "theme" might be, that is, the one prevailing lesson He wants to teach me above everything else. What sprung most readily to mind was relationships. First, to Him, and then to others. I think this will be easy, and extremely difficult at the same time.

Difficult because most of the time my heart is not naturally bent towards Him, or others. I am, we are as humankind, completely interested in serving our own interests. Easy, because I love people, and get energy from being around them. But really, relationship building is quite arduous, don't you think? It's risky, being vulnerable to another human being, knowing they might reject you, but knowing the risk is ultimately worth it. Even if they reject you, even if your heart is broken by them in the end.

Was it Lewis that said the only place we can be safe from the perturbations of love is hell? Yes, I think it was, and yes, he is right. Sometimes relationships can feel like hell; I have found this to be true in the last few years. But I also know they can make you feel whole and alive. No one was made to be a loner, we were made to be in community, with God first, and others second.

And so here I am, the biggest loner I know, quite content to be by myself, or with people with whom I already enjoy a deep and abiding relationship, ready to be the perpetual stranger. My friend Karen said I should just pretend to be everybody's best friend. I think she's right, because I've already seen it work. Plus, I have the advantage of being the new girl. I need help, and most people are willing to help.

This morning I was in communication with my new boss. I told him about a proposed project that could yield great results, but would cost time and money. "Do it" he said, no hesitation. Risk-takers, and I wouldn't consider myself one at all, are incredibly motivating. They make me want to be brave, like that song:

So long, status quo, I think I just let go,

You make me want to be brave....

This song references God as the one who makes us want to be brave though, and indeed He does.

This position with CEF involves a lot of unknowables. But I am trusting that God will guide me step-by-step, and "as my days, so shall my strength be". I'm ready to take risks, like I never have before. I could be a miserable failure in others' eyes, but the great thing about God is that He doesn't call me to success, but He calls me to Himself, to relationship. This is our God, the God of relationship. He makes me want to be brave. He makes me want to worship, and be in community, and love, and fight, and get my hands dirty. I have just this one life, after all; it's time to start living it for the glory of God.

Worth

Currently I am trying to recover from my Little Rock '09 adventures. I have been back in St. Louis for less than twenty-four hours. I just want to sleep and process everything that I didn't have a chance to dwell on during the busy, busy time I spent in Arkansas. However, I still have a week left in my contract with CEF of Greater St. Louis and a VBS to teach tonight. I hope the children don't mind zombie teachers.

No, I don't think it's that bad, but I do think I need more than one day to recover from not only Little Rock, but this summer in general. I spent a few hours this morning in God's Word, something that I neglected during my week in Little Rock. Shameful, I know, but God is merciful and He still taught me a few lessons that I really needed to learn while in Little Rock.

One lesson that I learned was worth. That is, what am I basing my worth on? God taught me rather all at once one day that my worth comes from Jesus Christ, not my job, ministy, relationship status, place of residence, etc. Those are details in which I live out my relationship with Christ. I don't believe those details are unimportant to God, but I do believe that those details are sometimes too important to me.

Recently I've been studying the life of Saul and David as portrayed in 1 Samuel. Both of these men fell into gross sins, but David was a man after God's own heart and Saul was cast away. Why? Romans 8 seems to be the best answer: if God is for us, who can be against us? Not because of who I am or what I do, but because of God's own free sovereign choice in placing me in Christ Jesus am I in right standing before Him and can have confidence that I am His and will remain His. So then the most important thing in my life is not all of those details, but my relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

On the last night of our time together in Little Rock the president of CEF, Reese Kaufmann, spoke on this very thing and I knew it was God's reminder to me that really, Little Rock is simply a detail, not the Destination. I was thankful for this reminder, because it is something that God has been teaching me through this process of going into full-time ministry with CEF once again. CEF and any ministry that might result from my work in this organization shouldn't give me my ultimate sense of worth or value (and neither should anything else). I am God's through Jesus Christ and that relationship is what gives me my ultimate worth.

There is freedom there. Freedom that God calls me to walk in as I trust His sovereign ordering of the details and circumstances of my life. I am tired, and well should be, of making the circumstances of my life ultimate. This is a hard lesson to learn and one I'm sure I'll forget from time to time. But I serve a faithful, merciful God that is for me and will be faithful and merciful to remind me. Today my heart overflows with gratitude to Him.

Little Rock '09

I'm currently surrounded by about one hundred full-time, part-time, and volunteer CEF workers. They have descended for two weeks on the city for the summer outreach that is Little Rock '09. CEF is targeting key cities across the United States every summer from here until, well, until every major city has on-going ministry to their children. Last year they ministered in Chicago and left behind a full-time worker named Kathy. This year is Little Rock and they are leaving me behind to continue the work.

There is something so sweet about being surround by like-minded people, and humbling as well. Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit several club sites and meet people from the churches I'll be working with in the fall. I am already in love with the people of Little Rock. Sunday I spent most of the day with representatives from two major African-American churches in Little Rock and I just loved them. Little Rock is surprisingly urban. In fact, there was a debate (still on-going) as to whether I should be allowed to travel by myself to club sites because I am a "white girl in gangland". I voted yes, but male leadership voted no. We'll see.

This week we have upwards of twenty-fve teams each teaching three 5-day Clubs a day. Yesterday we had over one thousand children attend clubs with fifty salvations. There are some hurting kids in Little Rock. Please keep us in your prayers, and thanks to everyone who prayed (and is praying) that I'll survive this time, now and throughout the year. By God's grace, I think I'm going to make it.

I Left My Heart in Little Rock?

This week is our urban focus week for 5-day Clubs. Loosely translated this means I'm kickin' it in the 'hood with my summer missionaries. We've already had a fabulous time teaching together this week; I really love St. Louis and the people here. However, a huge part of me wants to be down in Arkansas right now for Little Rock '09 which began last night. I leave on Friday morning (as early as I can without it actually being Thursday night).

I am just so anxious to start this ministry and meet the people who will consume so much of my life for the next year. Also, I've heard from CEF family already there about how great Little Rock is and it makes me even more anxious to experience it for myself! This is a wonderment to me though - everyone keeps telling me how Little Rock is going to steal my heart. Do they know something I don't? Perhaps I'll have to change the name of this blog once I get down there...

All the News Worth Hearing

Posting on this blog is so far down my to-do list I can hardly see it. However, since it gives me pleasure to write, and because I need to sort out my thoughts a little bit, I thought I would update today. Currently, this is all the news worth hearing in my life...

The target date for beginning my year of service in full-time ministry is August 17th. By then I will be ensconced in a big blue farmhouse somewhere near the city limits of Little Rock. Since I last gave a "real" update, my support level has increased by $10,000 thanks to a generous donation by CEF of East Texas. I am currently entrenched in the whole support raising process and it is progressing well. It is laughable to say I know God wants me in Little Rock with all the evidence to support this claim. I feel so unworthy of all that has been done on my behalf precisely because I have been dragging my feet throughout the whole process.

As I talked with a ministry represenative from CEF she commented on what an "enviable" position I am in within the ministry of CEF. I know it to my very core. I have unsuccessfully raised personal support and unsuccessfully taken myself off the field because of it. God has been gracious - more than I deserve or dared to imagine - in pursuing me for service in missions. Ministry has always been my heart, but I had wanted it to be outside the confines of full-time service. This is apparently not what God wants, and He has been so gracious in bringing me back, much like a prodigal, to the place He wants me to be. I have also found, like the prodigal, a fattened calf, and wide-open arms from my family in the ministry. These are all things I do not deserve.

Have I made that clear? My just desserts are not what I am receiving. I say this as much to remind myself as to share with you. I am slowly learning to serve Jesus, not so He will serve and love me, but because He already has served and loved me. I have had this backwards for most of my life. I do not know how long God intends for me to be in full-time ministry with CEF or any other organization, I only know that I cannot imagine spending my time on anything other than eternity.

Unmistakable

So much has happened in the last few days regarding Little Rock that I wish I had the time to write it all down! We are in the home stretch of CYIA training though, and with just a few more days to go I haven't the strength or the power of concentration to organize any rational thought. I can't wait to get home and get a few dozen hours of sleep so I can begin to communicate effectively, process, and yes - finally - pack!

I have felt at times that I had made a terrible mistake in agreeing to this assignment and wondered in the back of my mind if it would really happen. My fervor for the call to Arkansas has been lukewarm at best, but as God is changing my heart He is heating the fire and most wondrous to see: moving my circumstances in ways only He can; it is so unmistakable.

Updates Galore!

I leave for CYIA training tomorrow morning, and although I am a bit frantic as I finish up last minute details, I thought it was time for an update. A week ago I received a phone call from CEF World Headquarters informing me that there had been a change in initial plans and that, in my case, the process from support raising had been greatly accelerated. Of course the story is more detailed than that, but I haven't the time, and you probably don't have the inclination to read every agonizing detail.

I've been in contact with the state coordinator of Arkansas, and the target date now is September 1st. I'm a little freaked out and have asked the Lord to reveal the big support raising "plan" He has for me. I subscribe to the George Muller method of raising support, which, more or less, is to make the opportunity known, and wait on the Lord to move the hearts of the people to give. I believe this is biblical, and God's will for me (which is not to say that other methods are not also biblical and that God may lead other people to other methods).

In the past few years God has allowed me to try this out, and to see His faithfulness displayed over and over again. It takes a lot of patience though. Oh, I believe God will supply, there is no question in my mind on that point, but the "when" drives me absolutely nuts (why, oh why, did I ever read George Muller's autobiography?! Ignorance is indeed bliss). It's good for me, however, because it allows me to see that I am not God, that I am dependent on Him for everything, and that I can do without a lot of things I really thought I needed. Basically, it exalts God's sovereignty and keeps me in my happy place.

Already I've seen this played out in regards to Little Rock. I've told people about the opportunity and have seen them step forward, with no solicitation on my part, and offer their support. This has greatly blessed me and seems to be confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction. But, three months to raise something over $20,000? It is, no doubt, very possible with God, but is this what He will do? I'm not sure, but I have begun to pray towards this date, along with the people in charge of the Little Rock project, and would welcome you to do the same.

Even though at this point I don't know how much longer I'll be in St. Louis, I do know I can't renew another year-long lease at the townhouse, so I'm moving back to my mom's house for the summer. It is a great blessing, to be sure, but I'm a little sad (okay, actually a lot sad) that I can't stay in my cozy little townhouse with my fantastic roommates. Last night my brothers and Aaron came over and packed up all of my worldly possessions, shoved them into my mom's van, and drove them off to storage. I didn't cry then, but later on, when I was alone in my now desolate room, I let the tears flow. Frankly, I am tired of moving all over creation and I wonder what lesson God is possibly trying to teach me in all of this.

Well, this post is running on. Quick run-down of my life right now: moving, CYIA, little sister's wedding smack in the middle of the two weeks of training, support raising for Little Rock, summer ministry in St. Louis. I'm busy, but I'm happy; this is a great time in life.

Uh, oh...

One of the highlights of my weekend was a conversation with a complete stranger about my upcoming move to Arkansas. I was at my little sister's bridal shower when a friend of my sister approached me and in a soft southern accent asked me if I was the one moving to Arkansas. I replied affirmatively and she introduced herself and told me she had grown up in Arkansas and that her husband was from Paris. I briefly wondered whether there was any chance she meant the European city, but before I could ask she said "Arkansas. Paris, Arkansas". Ah.

I began to ask her questions and found out three things. First, Arkansas is humid. When she said this I smugly stated that I had lived in Missouri most of my life and I was use to humidity. She gave a polite little laugh and told me she always found it so humorous when Missourians complained about the humidity.

Uh, oh...

The next thing I learned was that this particular lady really liked the people of Arkansas but had also always felt like one needed a "passport" to visit. "People do have their little quirks" she said, or something like. She gave me the impression, in her sweet southern manner, that I could be in for a culture shock.

Uh, oh...

The last thing I learned was that Little Rock is not a city. I learned this by asking her to compare the size of Little Rock to the size of St. Charles County, where I have spent most of my life. St. Charles County won. Now, St. Charles County is a large county, but in my opinion it should beat any place labeled a city.

Uh, oh...

As I begin to assimilate information related to the new place God is leading me to I find all sorts of things that confront and assault my natural inclinations. Of this, however, I am very sure: God knows what He is doing, and I feel a huge sense of anticipation and excitement. I think this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, replete with "uh, oh" moments, of course, but with the threads of God's grace and favor all woven through. He is a good God and I am sure that he "has prepared me for this very thing".

Grace

I'm really grateful today for my best friend, Joanna. We have been friends for an astonishing twenty years. Last year we moved into a townhouse together, and looking back I'm so glad she invited me to join her and I'm so glad I accepted! At the end of the month I move back home ("back home" - such a relative term) for a few months before I move to Little Rock and I will miss her. A lot.

When we signed the lease last May I didn't realize that God would be moving me again this soon and this far away. I think the last year has been His gift to me and Joanna. I have enjoyed it thoroughly, even more so now that I know I won't see her regularly for at least a year and maybe longer (she absolutely refuses to move to Little Rock with me. Lame!).

Today we took a mini road trip for a friend's baby shower. On the way back home Joanna was engaged in not only driving , but also talking to our mutual friend, Adrienne, on the phone. I quickly got bored (I brought a book to read but lost my highlighter, and so I was rendered ineffective, as we all know I can't read without a highlighter) and so I began to snap pictures with my phone.


Joanna driving and talking. At one point she said "oh man, I'm going eighty!" This morning we were running late and I told her she had to drive as my conscience will not allow me to speed. It will, however, allow Joanna to.


The view from my rear view mirror. We had to go literally to the ends of the earth for this baby shower. Google Maps led us on a wild goose chase in order to find our location. In the end we were careening crazily along this little country road where we almost had a head-on collision with another car. Joanna began to yell and I meekly pointed out that she had been driving in the middle of the road. She told me to shut up.


"Life is a highway! I want to drive it all night long!" I started singing this as Joanna and Adrienne chatted away. I was sad because I wasn't getting the proper attention I deserved. Joanna gave me a vaguely threatening look. I ignored her and started...


SUPER MODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR! I took a few pictures of Joanna and the road, but mostly of me. No one is surprised.



Finally home! This place has been the scene of so many happy and funny memories which I'm sure my children (and Joanna's children) will enjoy hearing about. "Did I ever tell you about the time Aunt Joanna..."

Oh yes, I'm going to miss my best friend when I move to Arkansas. I've been thinking about grace a lot lately and about how nearly every day I have cause to thank God for the grace that He's shown me by placing Joanna in my life. I told her once that I was going to name one of my little girls after her - Joanna Grace - because that's what I think about every time I think of Joanna: grace. Grace is what she's shown me through the years of our friendship and that's what God has shown me through her - unusual (I think) grace.

So, Joanna, I know you don't read this blog (Joanna: I don't want to read your blog. I live with you! Why would I want to read about what I'm experiencing?!) but one day you may, and I hope you stumble across this post and a) feel bad for how mean you've been to me by mocking this blog, and b) know how much I love you and how profoundly grateful I am for your friendship.

Top Ten

On top of current activities I feel a responsibility to update my blog for all those who actually read it (thanks Karen!). This may or may not be a good time to pull out a famed Top Ten List which my friends and I are so fond of creating. Bored on a road trip? Top Ten List! Wedding speech? Top Ten List (although that one didn't work out quite so well as all of the McDonald's Canadian relatives thought I was a lesbian. True story!)! Just about any major life event? Top Ten List! What's to stop me from creating a Top Ten List in order to keep my readers (Karen) happy? Not one thing. So, without further ado...

Top Ten Things I'm Currently Doing (it's a working title)

10. Reading the last book of C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy. I love it! The dialogue is fantastic. In fact, I wish I were reading it right now.

9. Picking grass out of my hair. Today at work the kids decided to shower me with grass and clover; it was fun for them and me. Today was a perfect day to sit in the grass and just...be.

8. Eating delicious leftover cheesy green beans. Sounds gross, right? I know, I thought the same thing until Joanna made them for me and Nicole for Saturday Night Dinner. Mm, delish!

7. Missing my co-worker, Betsy. She had to go back home to Maine for the summer. Stupid Maine! Now there's no one to keep me relatively sane during the early morning hours or to listen to all of my outrageous stories.

6. Thinking about how I need to get my tires aligned. This is actually important. Today I thought I might be shaken to death as I drove from the CEF office to school.

5. Reading Isaiah. Is it okay to skip all the woes of the upcoming Babylon captivity in chapters 1-36 and just go straight to the good parts of 37-66? I'm thinking about it.

4. Praying for changed hearts. I want the infinite worth of Jesus to be valued in people around me. I want them to really, really love Jesus. Not church Jesus, gospel Jesus.

3. Praying that my life would reflect the infinite worth of Jesus. It's like God is saying "you really want them to value Me above everything else? Is that what you really want? Okay, you first." This comes with a variety of things I don't want and the withholding of a variety of things I do.

2. Digging my summer job with CEF. Today was the first official day and it went surprisingly smoothly. Tomorrow I get to clean up the big mess I made today in the storage closet. I am not a little bit excited. I love summer ministry!

1. Looking forward to bedtime. The month of May will be full of twelve hour days between my regular job and my summer job with CEF. If I can only hold out until May 27th then I will have more than one or two minutes to string together. However, I can't think of a better place than where I am now...

Bonus: I am currently conducting research on Little Rock (you don't think I'd forget why this blog actually exists, do you?). I will update you on all of my findings presently. This morning a little girl in my program passed her official verdict on Little Rock based on family reunions held in that great city : booooooring. I'm going to pretend she's just biased, and 9, which she is, so...she's probably right!