A Good Place to Be

Last night I took a foray into a local Christian bookstore, and although my head is still reeling from that experience (so much heresy, so little time), I did come out a little richer with a book by Spurgeon called "All of Grace".

Lately I've been having trouble with my affections. They have all been scattered and set upon the wrong things. I laid in bed last night thinking and praying and pondering this restlessness in myself for Something More. As I wrestled the thought "silly girl, you want Someone to worship" popped into my mind.

And indeed the desire in my heart to love and be loved in return, the restlessness I've been feeling lately, can only be fully satisfied by Christ. The forward to Spurgeon's book contains a quote from Archibald Brown, a "disciple" of Spurgeon and a fellow minister, which reveals where Spurgeon's affections were fully and finally set:

"In his heart, Jesus stood unapproached, unrivaled.
He worshipped Him; he adored Him.
He was our Lord's delighted captive."

This description of Spurgeon fills me with a desire for the same, that unapproached, unrivaled love for Jesus. To be a delighted captive would be riches indeed. I am prone to rattle off a list of ways that I have failed in this task of loving Jesus like I should, but lately I've been convicted about the fact that I hardly ever thank God for the multiple ways He is working in my life, the grace He shows me everyday.

Earlier today I heard a preacher remark that we as Christ-followers are not called to spread a message of morality, but the message of Christ Himself. I am called to proclaim a Person, not a program. I am called by grace to respond to God through Christ, to live before His face and not under my own list of "right" behaviors. I struggle with the tension of living by grace while still walking in holiness all the time. I don't think I'll ever fully get the hang of it, but I want my affections to be stirred by Christ, and Him alone.

I'm thanking God for the ways that He has led me thus far, and trusting in His grace to lead me in the future, and resting in His love tonight.

It's a good place to be.

Sunday Hymn

I love this hymn. I sing it when I need to remember that "whoever believe in him is not condemned..." (John 3:18a). I sing it when I am sore from sin and in need of the grace that is found only in Jesus. I sing it when I need to praise the God of all mercy and my own words fail.

I love this version by Caedmon's Call.



Thy Mercy, My God

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart. and the boast of my tongue;
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affections, and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here;
Sin would reduce me to utter despair;
But, through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,
And weep to the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own,
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son;
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

Words: John Stocker
Music: Sandra McCracken

©2001 Same Old Dress Music (ASCAP).

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's easy to accept, but hard to give. And I'm really having a problem with it right now. Every time I try to forgive, all the issues come to the surface and I think "I cannot believe they did that to me!" or "how dare they! They need to pay!" It's hard to be gracious and forgiving when all you want to do is punch someone in the face.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want this party to pay. To suffer like I did. I'm not ready to forgive their sorry behind or put the mess behind me. I want compensation for my suffering.

And have you ever noticed that it so much harder to forgive your brother or sister in Christ? Shouldn't they know better, we reason? But God saves the most unlikely people (just look at yourself) with seemingly the worse behavioral and social problems. It takes grace and hard work to forgive.

When those thoughts of anger and revenge come boiling up, it's hard to squash them and choose to forgive instead. To not count their wrongs against them. To choose forgiveness rather than revenge. It's an almost pleasant experience to ruminate on another party's sins. Sort of self-justifying, as though you're saying "sure, I'm bad. But nothing compared to so-and-so, that jerk-face!"

It is hard to operate in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, because, frankly, the flesh comes so much easier. I am still having trouble forgiving someone who recently wounded me. I want to lick my wounds and plot my revenge, but I know that's not what God did with me. He overcame my sin and rebellion toward Him at great cost to Himself. Why do I think it would be any different for me?

Forgiveness is not cheap. It is costly to the one who must forgive the other person's offense. I wish I didn't have to forgive. I wish my life were rainbows and butterflies and I skipped hand-in-hand down the street with everyone I met, just singing a happy song. But the reality is that I live in a sin-sick world, where everyone, including me, needs to forgive and be forgiven.

Forgiveness is a chance to be like my Savior. To taste in small part how offensive my sins are to a holy God, how hurtful, and damaging, and estranging (how is that a word? Oh well, spell-check let it go), and how costly forgiveness really is.

Would you pray for me? I don't want to be angry or unforgiving, but it is so hard to for me to forgive right now. I'm still a little hurt and angry by the actions of this other person. I spoke with a mentor about it and she told me "it's okay to admit to the other person that you're still working on forgiving them". So yeah, I'm still working on forgiving them. Pray for the grace to complete it.

Control

The office of CEF of Central Arkansas is housed in a Christian school. The office is tucked in a far away corner of the school, but the windows look directly out onto the playground. A few times a day, especially when I’m at my computer, I can look out and observe the lives of elementary school children on a playground, generally free from teachers and all forms of intervention.

I like to observe their play. This afternoon I watched a group of three boys playfully wrestling each other, one with flaming red hair. All of a sudden, from the part of the playground I can’t see, a little girl and her female sidekick came swooping in. The older, bigger girl immediately began to separate the boys and set the scene right, leaving them standing silent and solemn. I can just imagine what must have been going through her head as she walked away. Probably something triumphant.

What is it about the female gender that makes us want to set the world right? Why can’t we just mind our own business? Women are, generally, fixers. We want everything to be “alright”. At least I do. And most of the women I know are the same way.

For me it stems from the need to be in control. I don’t want things to happen to me. My chief goal in life seems to be damage control. At this point I can probably site all kinds of examples from my childhood, terrible things that happened to me, so I can write this need to be in control off as learned behavior. To a certain extant I’m sure it is, but on the other hand, I know better now.

The future is so uncertain, isn’t it? Just look at the devastation in Haiti. I spend a lot of time trying to figure the future out instead of trusting. I am learning more and more about the need to trust and just “do the next thing”, because trying to figure it out ahead of time gets me into a lot of trouble and often causes a lot of damage in the process.

The upswing of all of this is that I am learning a lot about grace, and the need to just try again tomorrow. I can’t reform my bad behavior, I can’t change my own heart, but I can help myself to the means of grace God has given me to draw closer to Him and move away from the things and ways of this world – His Word, prayer, fellowship.

I am working on drawing closer, but it’s an uphill battle. Sometimes my heart is too hard even to utter a plea for help. I am learning (again) to ask and to put myself where God’s grace can meet me.

I've had (relatively) rough start to this new year. I am still me. I still want to swoop down and set everything right. I want to interfere and protect myself from the worse. But really, I have nothing to fear. Whatever comes, comes from the gracious hand of a loving Heavenly Father. As a good friend recently reminded me “Jeanne, you are forgiven. All of God’s wrath has been poured out on Jesus.” How refreshing and how much strength I draw from that truth to try again. And again and again, if necessary. There is no condemnation.

I want to be totally in control, but that will never be possible. I may be able to control certain things, it may even be wise for me to do this, but at some point I need to “do the little I can do, and leave the rest to Thee”. I am learning to obey and leave the details, consequences, and future to my Maker and Redeemer. It is a scary and wonderful place to be.

Grace

I'm really grateful today for my best friend, Joanna. We have been friends for an astonishing twenty years. Last year we moved into a townhouse together, and looking back I'm so glad she invited me to join her and I'm so glad I accepted! At the end of the month I move back home ("back home" - such a relative term) for a few months before I move to Little Rock and I will miss her. A lot.

When we signed the lease last May I didn't realize that God would be moving me again this soon and this far away. I think the last year has been His gift to me and Joanna. I have enjoyed it thoroughly, even more so now that I know I won't see her regularly for at least a year and maybe longer (she absolutely refuses to move to Little Rock with me. Lame!).

Today we took a mini road trip for a friend's baby shower. On the way back home Joanna was engaged in not only driving , but also talking to our mutual friend, Adrienne, on the phone. I quickly got bored (I brought a book to read but lost my highlighter, and so I was rendered ineffective, as we all know I can't read without a highlighter) and so I began to snap pictures with my phone.


Joanna driving and talking. At one point she said "oh man, I'm going eighty!" This morning we were running late and I told her she had to drive as my conscience will not allow me to speed. It will, however, allow Joanna to.


The view from my rear view mirror. We had to go literally to the ends of the earth for this baby shower. Google Maps led us on a wild goose chase in order to find our location. In the end we were careening crazily along this little country road where we almost had a head-on collision with another car. Joanna began to yell and I meekly pointed out that she had been driving in the middle of the road. She told me to shut up.


"Life is a highway! I want to drive it all night long!" I started singing this as Joanna and Adrienne chatted away. I was sad because I wasn't getting the proper attention I deserved. Joanna gave me a vaguely threatening look. I ignored her and started...


SUPER MODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR! I took a few pictures of Joanna and the road, but mostly of me. No one is surprised.



Finally home! This place has been the scene of so many happy and funny memories which I'm sure my children (and Joanna's children) will enjoy hearing about. "Did I ever tell you about the time Aunt Joanna..."

Oh yes, I'm going to miss my best friend when I move to Arkansas. I've been thinking about grace a lot lately and about how nearly every day I have cause to thank God for the grace that He's shown me by placing Joanna in my life. I told her once that I was going to name one of my little girls after her - Joanna Grace - because that's what I think about every time I think of Joanna: grace. Grace is what she's shown me through the years of our friendship and that's what God has shown me through her - unusual (I think) grace.

So, Joanna, I know you don't read this blog (Joanna: I don't want to read your blog. I live with you! Why would I want to read about what I'm experiencing?!) but one day you may, and I hope you stumble across this post and a) feel bad for how mean you've been to me by mocking this blog, and b) know how much I love you and how profoundly grateful I am for your friendship.