Forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's easy to accept, but hard to give. And I'm really having a problem with it right now. Every time I try to forgive, all the issues come to the surface and I think "I cannot believe they did that to me!" or "how dare they! They need to pay!" It's hard to be gracious and forgiving when all you want to do is punch someone in the face.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want this party to pay. To suffer like I did. I'm not ready to forgive their sorry behind or put the mess behind me. I want compensation for my suffering.

And have you ever noticed that it so much harder to forgive your brother or sister in Christ? Shouldn't they know better, we reason? But God saves the most unlikely people (just look at yourself) with seemingly the worse behavioral and social problems. It takes grace and hard work to forgive.

When those thoughts of anger and revenge come boiling up, it's hard to squash them and choose to forgive instead. To not count their wrongs against them. To choose forgiveness rather than revenge. It's an almost pleasant experience to ruminate on another party's sins. Sort of self-justifying, as though you're saying "sure, I'm bad. But nothing compared to so-and-so, that jerk-face!"

It is hard to operate in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, because, frankly, the flesh comes so much easier. I am still having trouble forgiving someone who recently wounded me. I want to lick my wounds and plot my revenge, but I know that's not what God did with me. He overcame my sin and rebellion toward Him at great cost to Himself. Why do I think it would be any different for me?

Forgiveness is not cheap. It is costly to the one who must forgive the other person's offense. I wish I didn't have to forgive. I wish my life were rainbows and butterflies and I skipped hand-in-hand down the street with everyone I met, just singing a happy song. But the reality is that I live in a sin-sick world, where everyone, including me, needs to forgive and be forgiven.

Forgiveness is a chance to be like my Savior. To taste in small part how offensive my sins are to a holy God, how hurtful, and damaging, and estranging (how is that a word? Oh well, spell-check let it go), and how costly forgiveness really is.

Would you pray for me? I don't want to be angry or unforgiving, but it is so hard to for me to forgive right now. I'm still a little hurt and angry by the actions of this other person. I spoke with a mentor about it and she told me "it's okay to admit to the other person that you're still working on forgiving them". So yeah, I'm still working on forgiving them. Pray for the grace to complete it.

Control

The office of CEF of Central Arkansas is housed in a Christian school. The office is tucked in a far away corner of the school, but the windows look directly out onto the playground. A few times a day, especially when I’m at my computer, I can look out and observe the lives of elementary school children on a playground, generally free from teachers and all forms of intervention.

I like to observe their play. This afternoon I watched a group of three boys playfully wrestling each other, one with flaming red hair. All of a sudden, from the part of the playground I can’t see, a little girl and her female sidekick came swooping in. The older, bigger girl immediately began to separate the boys and set the scene right, leaving them standing silent and solemn. I can just imagine what must have been going through her head as she walked away. Probably something triumphant.

What is it about the female gender that makes us want to set the world right? Why can’t we just mind our own business? Women are, generally, fixers. We want everything to be “alright”. At least I do. And most of the women I know are the same way.

For me it stems from the need to be in control. I don’t want things to happen to me. My chief goal in life seems to be damage control. At this point I can probably site all kinds of examples from my childhood, terrible things that happened to me, so I can write this need to be in control off as learned behavior. To a certain extant I’m sure it is, but on the other hand, I know better now.

The future is so uncertain, isn’t it? Just look at the devastation in Haiti. I spend a lot of time trying to figure the future out instead of trusting. I am learning more and more about the need to trust and just “do the next thing”, because trying to figure it out ahead of time gets me into a lot of trouble and often causes a lot of damage in the process.

The upswing of all of this is that I am learning a lot about grace, and the need to just try again tomorrow. I can’t reform my bad behavior, I can’t change my own heart, but I can help myself to the means of grace God has given me to draw closer to Him and move away from the things and ways of this world – His Word, prayer, fellowship.

I am working on drawing closer, but it’s an uphill battle. Sometimes my heart is too hard even to utter a plea for help. I am learning (again) to ask and to put myself where God’s grace can meet me.

I've had (relatively) rough start to this new year. I am still me. I still want to swoop down and set everything right. I want to interfere and protect myself from the worse. But really, I have nothing to fear. Whatever comes, comes from the gracious hand of a loving Heavenly Father. As a good friend recently reminded me “Jeanne, you are forgiven. All of God’s wrath has been poured out on Jesus.” How refreshing and how much strength I draw from that truth to try again. And again and again, if necessary. There is no condemnation.

I want to be totally in control, but that will never be possible. I may be able to control certain things, it may even be wise for me to do this, but at some point I need to “do the little I can do, and leave the rest to Thee”. I am learning to obey and leave the details, consequences, and future to my Maker and Redeemer. It is a scary and wonderful place to be.