Dude...

So I just looked over the list of blog topics I promised to share with you and I saw that one of them was the story of my abscessed molar.

Dude, that is so gross. What was I thinking?

But seriously, that tooth took me out for about ten days. I had to take my Christmas vacation days since I did nothing for a whole week but cry and take crazy strong pain medicine which did nothing to alleviate the pain, and so not only was my tooth killing me, my liver was probably in danger as well. It was so bad that I only got about one and a half hours of sleep each night. No fun. No fun at all.

One night I remember looking at my tear-stained face in the mirror and thinking "I hope I am never tortured for my faith" because I don't know how I'd respond, but judging by my tooth mishap, it would not be good.

Isn't the Lord merciful to uphold His children? I trust that if that situation every arises in my life, His grace will keep me faithful to the end, but it's scary to realize how weak the flesh really is.

Dude, it is so gross. The Flesh, I mean. Well, and my tooth too. Still really gross.

I don't have great pain management skills. I hate pain. I avoid it at all cost, and when it does come I usually do not handle it well. I remember one time my sister (the one who gave birth to a 9lb 15oz baby), spilled hot eyebrow wax on her thigh (where it promptly adhered to her flesh and wouldn't come off), and had to be driven to the emergency room by her big sister (me), where she went through an entire skin peeling procedure (it's as bad as it sounds) AWAKE! She has some crazy pain management skills (and also a crazy tolerance for pain medication because that doctor tried his best to knock her out, believe me. But that's another story).

Not me, man, not me. Give me the pain meds, and if that doesn't work, just go ahead and take a 2x4 to my head because I don't want to experience it.

I was going somewhere with this...

Oh yeah, I don't like pain. So why must I deal with it at all? The answer, of course, is that I live in a fallen world. I am a messed-up sinner, interacting with other messed-up sinners, all of us doing messed-up sinner things. That's why, when my tooth finally came out, when the problem was gone, and the pain stopped, I felt relieved, and free, and happy. Really, really happy.

Every day I deal with pain of some sort, maybe not that blasted tooth pain, and maybe not to that extreme, but pain nonetheless. And every day I feel some of that pain being deepened, and some of that pain being healed, but one day I will feel all of that pain gone, and every tear wiped away.

"Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And...God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ." — John Piper

Good stuff in the midst of the gross stuff.

Dude, you know it's true, and aren't you glad? Me too.

A Good Place to Be

Last night I took a foray into a local Christian bookstore, and although my head is still reeling from that experience (so much heresy, so little time), I did come out a little richer with a book by Spurgeon called "All of Grace".

Lately I've been having trouble with my affections. They have all been scattered and set upon the wrong things. I laid in bed last night thinking and praying and pondering this restlessness in myself for Something More. As I wrestled the thought "silly girl, you want Someone to worship" popped into my mind.

And indeed the desire in my heart to love and be loved in return, the restlessness I've been feeling lately, can only be fully satisfied by Christ. The forward to Spurgeon's book contains a quote from Archibald Brown, a "disciple" of Spurgeon and a fellow minister, which reveals where Spurgeon's affections were fully and finally set:

"In his heart, Jesus stood unapproached, unrivaled.
He worshipped Him; he adored Him.
He was our Lord's delighted captive."

This description of Spurgeon fills me with a desire for the same, that unapproached, unrivaled love for Jesus. To be a delighted captive would be riches indeed. I am prone to rattle off a list of ways that I have failed in this task of loving Jesus like I should, but lately I've been convicted about the fact that I hardly ever thank God for the multiple ways He is working in my life, the grace He shows me everyday.

Earlier today I heard a preacher remark that we as Christ-followers are not called to spread a message of morality, but the message of Christ Himself. I am called to proclaim a Person, not a program. I am called by grace to respond to God through Christ, to live before His face and not under my own list of "right" behaviors. I struggle with the tension of living by grace while still walking in holiness all the time. I don't think I'll ever fully get the hang of it, but I want my affections to be stirred by Christ, and Him alone.

I'm thanking God for the ways that He has led me thus far, and trusting in His grace to lead me in the future, and resting in His love tonight.

It's a good place to be.