Dude...

So I just looked over the list of blog topics I promised to share with you and I saw that one of them was the story of my abscessed molar.

Dude, that is so gross. What was I thinking?

But seriously, that tooth took me out for about ten days. I had to take my Christmas vacation days since I did nothing for a whole week but cry and take crazy strong pain medicine which did nothing to alleviate the pain, and so not only was my tooth killing me, my liver was probably in danger as well. It was so bad that I only got about one and a half hours of sleep each night. No fun. No fun at all.

One night I remember looking at my tear-stained face in the mirror and thinking "I hope I am never tortured for my faith" because I don't know how I'd respond, but judging by my tooth mishap, it would not be good.

Isn't the Lord merciful to uphold His children? I trust that if that situation every arises in my life, His grace will keep me faithful to the end, but it's scary to realize how weak the flesh really is.

Dude, it is so gross. The Flesh, I mean. Well, and my tooth too. Still really gross.

I don't have great pain management skills. I hate pain. I avoid it at all cost, and when it does come I usually do not handle it well. I remember one time my sister (the one who gave birth to a 9lb 15oz baby), spilled hot eyebrow wax on her thigh (where it promptly adhered to her flesh and wouldn't come off), and had to be driven to the emergency room by her big sister (me), where she went through an entire skin peeling procedure (it's as bad as it sounds) AWAKE! She has some crazy pain management skills (and also a crazy tolerance for pain medication because that doctor tried his best to knock her out, believe me. But that's another story).

Not me, man, not me. Give me the pain meds, and if that doesn't work, just go ahead and take a 2x4 to my head because I don't want to experience it.

I was going somewhere with this...

Oh yeah, I don't like pain. So why must I deal with it at all? The answer, of course, is that I live in a fallen world. I am a messed-up sinner, interacting with other messed-up sinners, all of us doing messed-up sinner things. That's why, when my tooth finally came out, when the problem was gone, and the pain stopped, I felt relieved, and free, and happy. Really, really happy.

Every day I deal with pain of some sort, maybe not that blasted tooth pain, and maybe not to that extreme, but pain nonetheless. And every day I feel some of that pain being deepened, and some of that pain being healed, but one day I will feel all of that pain gone, and every tear wiped away.

"Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And...God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ." — John Piper

Good stuff in the midst of the gross stuff.

Dude, you know it's true, and aren't you glad? Me too.

An Easy Yes

I just had all of my plans for the next few months turned completely upside down and something that I was really looking forward to taken away in two seconds.

It's hard to process death, especially when it happens so rapidly. Sometimes God works slowly over months and years, and sometimes He rips your world apart in a matter of moments.

It's easy to say "yes, I will lay it down for your Kingdom, for the ministry that You've called me to", but it's hard to live with the consequences of that "yes".

I just finished asking "why". Why did You take that away from me? You know how much it meant to me. You know how much I was looking forward to it. It was literally giving me the will to live through the next few difficult months.

And therein the problem lies. I was putting a lot of hope in this certain event. And my hope had been steadily building through the last few days. And it was like God was asking in me that "why" moment how much I loved Him, and was I willing to lay down my life for His Kingdom, His agenda, and His purposes.

I love when God asks you if you love Him, and then asks you to prove it. He asks if I will be lower so He can be higher, poorer so He can be richer, disappointed and thwarted so His purposes can come to pass in my life and the life of others.

I know that God will bring good out of this disappointment. I know that this plan is better than the other, but it is still painful, still a death. And believe me, I am mourning it.

I wish that God would give me what I want all the time because I hate pain, and this is painful. BUT, in this death is a chance for life. What's that old hymn? "I'll live for Him, who died for me, how HAPPY then my life will be..." I may not have what I thought I wanted, needed, and had to have, but I know that God is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And He gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.

I know I would rather have Him send trial after trial, but give spiritual life and vitality (eyes to see and ears to hear), then to leave me alone with everything I want (an easy life, financial security, a husband and children), but spiritually destitute.

It's so hard to put this process into words, but it's like a broadening. Everytime God asks me to die to myself, He gives the grace to enjoy Him a little bit more, to comprehend more of His goodness, to appreciate His infinite worth a little more. My soul broadens, but it costs. It is not an easy yes.

Pray for me. Pray for the courage to answer yes, even when it costs me everything I have, because this I know for certain: He IS worth it.