Springtime

It's Springtime in Arkansas! The flowers and trees are in full bloom, and they are brilliant against the blue sky.


Daffodils!


Forsythia bushes bring back such wonderful memories of my childhood. I love them!


The sky is so beautiful, and it keeps praise tripping off my tongue. Spring, you are more then welcome to stick around!

Enough

Today was a beautiful day.

After what feels like weeks, months, years of constant rain here in central Arkansas, it was nice to see an endless stretch of clear blue sky. I drove along the main road of downtown and admired the red maples planted in steady intervals along the street. I spent some time browsing the shelves of a used bookstore, although I came away empty-handed. I felt too restless to seriously consider any of the offerings found there.

I love this adventure I am on. I love the people I am meeting. I love my job. I love the fact that yesterday we got official permission from the Little Rock School District to hold Good News Clubs in the schools. I love my church. I love the beauty of central Arkansas. But I do not love everything here. Some things about this new life are hard, and make me feel restless. Mostly the fact that I am surrounded by strange and unfamiliar people and places. Mostly the fact that I can't go over to my best friend's house and talk the night away with her, or drop by my mom's house, eat a little dinner, and complain about the little I have to complain about in life.

I am a fairly independent person. In fact, I have always wanted to move to a completely new city where no one knows me and build a life. Well, I guess my dream came true. Only, I would like someone to go to the movies with now. But perhaps that is the price I pay for this experience. This for that. A little loneliness for a year of new experiences in a new city. At any rate, it has definitely been a stretching experience.

There are things to love and hate here, as in any place or season of life. I am learning, fitfully, sometimes faithlessly, to be content. I know God has guided me here, and it's not a perfect place where all my dreams are coming true, but another place where He is teaching and refining me. There is nothing mystical about it, only getting up day-by-day to live by faith and learn (or maybe I should say re-learn) that He is enough.

I gotta preach to myself sometimes, you know?

First Pictures

A few random pictures from my first few weeks here.

Welcome to Arkansas, the natural state.

And this is where the magic happens, folks...

My coffemaker. Yes, it's that important.

Baxter, a dog I met my second week here. You'll notice he's sitting on my bed. Cheeky little fellow, but I like him.

I took this picture right across the street from my little church, Christ Church Conway. You'll notice the sign proudly proclaims "Conway - Home of Kris Allen". Who is Kris Allen? Only the most recent winner of American Idol! Conway, Arkansas, is his hometown and about thirty minutes away from Little Rock.

Well, that's it. A few snapshots of my world here in Arkansas.

Discourse on My Present State, or Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

These days my feelings vacillate.

There are days when I deeply love this new place, and then there are days when loneliness creeps in and I start to feel sorry for myself. "They've all forgotten me" is what I think, and then I feel like crying. Or, when I have to go to the office and work there for eight hours, alone, and lonely, and bored out of my mind, my only lifeline the phone with which I call people who themselves are vacillating, wondering if they really want to go ahead with their After-school Good News Clubs. "You'd better go ahead with that club!" is what I think, because if they don't, then I am a huge moot point.

I find myself checking Facebook. A lot. I realize this is pathetic, but it gives me a sense - albeit false -of connectedness. I tell myself that now is a good time to read all of those books I have piled up beside my bed, or write a book, or jog (yeah, right!), or take up some type of handy-craft, say knitting, or scrap-booking (this is even more unrealistic than jogging), or just sit and commune with nature (there is A LOT of nature around these parts, most of it incredibly itchy), but no, I crave people.

There are people in Arkansas, I just don't know them yet, I guess. One of the things I love about Arkansas though, is Bud and Nancy, my host family for the year. I wish I could spend whole days just following Nancy around with a notebook to write down all of the crazy, funny, wise things she says. The other day she reminded me not to eat the dog food which she had put on the kitchen counter, "Jeanne! Now, don't eat the dog food!" As though there were some danger of my actually doing this (note to self: don't eat dog food. Also, try to stop looking like a person who would eat dog food). She is just hilarious. The other night she was making fun of televangelists, and their "holy hair-dos" as she calls them. "Just think", she said, while watching one of them beg for money, "if I only send in some seed money we could all be rich!"

Yes, there are plenty of interesting people in Arkansas, but none with whom I've really connected. I am a stranger in a strange land. The only person here who can't wait to see me at the end of the day is MacGregor, and he really isn't a person, but only the very large dog which the Hancocks own. Apparently, he loves me. The other night we had a "guest", the French bulldog of a guy named Lane (also not my soulmate), and MacGregor had a fit when I started to pay attention to Baxter, running around the house, nipping at Baxter, just generally being a nuisance. "Oh, he's so jealous! He's showing off for you!" exclaimed Nancy, by way of explanation. If only MacGregor would realize I don't feel the same way, because, well, he's a dog. And he barks. A lot.

Anyway, it would be nice to find a friend. I am all the time tempted to walk up to someone reasonably sane-looking and just ask them "will you be my friend?", but I feel that would be even more pathetic than endless Facebook surfing. How does one meet people in a new town? Church. Yes, I'm trying. The grocery store? Possibly. Work? I'm the only one in the office! Probably I'll start talking to myself after awhile, and then no one will want to be my friend. "Don't talk to her!", people will start to say. "She's weird!" Maybe they already do. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends. Hm...

Yes, well, it is a little humorous. A very little. At least I still have that. In my hours upon hours of pure loneliness, I can amuse myself with pithy little antidotes about my life in Arkansas. But really, it isn't so bad. Some of the greatest people in the world were lonely - all of the Reformers at one point in their lives, the Puritans, many, many famous explorers, Mary, Queen of Scots - I mean, they all had stretches of loneliness. They are also all dead. Well, I thought blogging would cheer me up, but now...

Some days I vacillate.

Update from Arkansas

It's been too long since I've posted on my lonely little blog. Who knows if anybody actually reads this thing, but it's too cathartic for me to give up entirely. I have had time to post on this blog, just not the inclination. I think I've finally settled into my new life in Little Rock, and besides some minor irritations, pretty content with it.

I have found that in ministry it is pretty east to get so busy that you begin to neglect your own personal relationship with God. That's where I've found myself lately. This morning was the first morning in a few weeks in which I actually had more than just obligatory devotions (which are really no devotions at all). Conviction abounded today in many areas of my life. It is so easy to ignore the Holy Spirit, scarily easy. But conviction is one of God's greatest grace to His children. There are a lot of ares in my life that are not lining up with how God says I should live life. When you think about it, you can pray for me. My relationship with God is so much more important than any "ministry" that I could contribute to this world. What's that verse in John? "This is eternal life, that they may know You, the one true God." Yeah, that should be what my life is about - knowing God.

Well, I think I've found the church, my church, the church that I want to invest in while I'm living in Arkansas. The church is a plant of the PCA, and they meet in a cute little refurbished building in downtown Conway. The congregation is only about forty all told. On mnight I went to a ladies small group where they discuss the sermon and pray for each other. The other ladies (5) are all married, so we're in different seasons in life, but they were so warm and welcoming, honest and transparent, that I felt immediately at home. They prayed for me, and loved on me, and made me laugh so throughly that I couldn't help but fall a little bit in love with them. I'll be having lunch with the pastor and his wife soon, where I hope to borrow from his vast library (when she heard I was a theology nerd his wife commanded me not to buy anymore books because "Kevin has all you would ever want to read!"), and hear his Biblical basis for infant baptistm.

I'm still trying to figure out why God has me here. Is that strange? I feel privileged to be here, working toward the spread of the gospel, but sometimes other desires get in the way. I'm praying that God will be all of my desire and delight. God is so good to me. I just need to remember that He cares about my holiness and joy in Him, more than in the fleeting comforts I find so important.

That's all for tonight, folks. Goodnight, y'all!

Little Rock '09

I'm currently surrounded by about one hundred full-time, part-time, and volunteer CEF workers. They have descended for two weeks on the city for the summer outreach that is Little Rock '09. CEF is targeting key cities across the United States every summer from here until, well, until every major city has on-going ministry to their children. Last year they ministered in Chicago and left behind a full-time worker named Kathy. This year is Little Rock and they are leaving me behind to continue the work.

There is something so sweet about being surround by like-minded people, and humbling as well. Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit several club sites and meet people from the churches I'll be working with in the fall. I am already in love with the people of Little Rock. Sunday I spent most of the day with representatives from two major African-American churches in Little Rock and I just loved them. Little Rock is surprisingly urban. In fact, there was a debate (still on-going) as to whether I should be allowed to travel by myself to club sites because I am a "white girl in gangland". I voted yes, but male leadership voted no. We'll see.

This week we have upwards of twenty-fve teams each teaching three 5-day Clubs a day. Yesterday we had over one thousand children attend clubs with fifty salvations. There are some hurting kids in Little Rock. Please keep us in your prayers, and thanks to everyone who prayed (and is praying) that I'll survive this time, now and throughout the year. By God's grace, I think I'm going to make it.

I Left My Heart in Little Rock?

This week is our urban focus week for 5-day Clubs. Loosely translated this means I'm kickin' it in the 'hood with my summer missionaries. We've already had a fabulous time teaching together this week; I really love St. Louis and the people here. However, a huge part of me wants to be down in Arkansas right now for Little Rock '09 which began last night. I leave on Friday morning (as early as I can without it actually being Thursday night).

I am just so anxious to start this ministry and meet the people who will consume so much of my life for the next year. Also, I've heard from CEF family already there about how great Little Rock is and it makes me even more anxious to experience it for myself! This is a wonderment to me though - everyone keeps telling me how Little Rock is going to steal my heart. Do they know something I don't? Perhaps I'll have to change the name of this blog once I get down there...

One More Month: The Countdown Begins

One month from today I'll start my adventures in Arkansas! Seriously, I can't wait. I had dinner with a friend last night and as I shared with her the ways that I have seen God led me through this whole process I just had to shake my head in amazement. God is so much better to me than I deserve. I always struggle with that notion, but I know I'm building the argument on a false premise: I have never deserved good things, only death. The gifts that I enjoy and often take for granted are gifts of grace purchased for me by the death of Jesus and applied by the Holy Spirit. "Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling."

It's been a rough couple of months for me spiritually and emotionally. I spent most of yesterday packing away my belongings into boxes and dividing them into piles - what will stay and what will go. I feel like I need to do the same thing spiritually - what will stay in my life and what needs to be exhumed and thrown away. My heart gets so cluttered, so quickly, with non-essentials. Even last night I had to repent for allowing other things besides God's Word to be the final authority in my life and dictate how I behave - my circumstances, relationships with friends and family, even good books that I read (yes, Karen, I could be admitting that I love John Piper too much!).

I need to fall in love with my Bible again and take time to mediate and pray over it. I need to realize that I won't miss anything if I take the time to make God and His Word the ultimate priority - and authority - in my life. In fact, He's guaranteed it.

Side note: Earlier I linked to this website and it made me cry and cry. I was inspired and convicted by their (particularly Larissa's) perseverance in prayer and willingness to submit to God's will whatever the outcome - even if He doesn't answer their prayers in the way they desperately hope He will. It reminded me that sometimes God calls you to stand for a very, very long time.

Unmistakable

So much has happened in the last few days regarding Little Rock that I wish I had the time to write it all down! We are in the home stretch of CYIA training though, and with just a few more days to go I haven't the strength or the power of concentration to organize any rational thought. I can't wait to get home and get a few dozen hours of sleep so I can begin to communicate effectively, process, and yes - finally - pack!

I have felt at times that I had made a terrible mistake in agreeing to this assignment and wondered in the back of my mind if it would really happen. My fervor for the call to Arkansas has been lukewarm at best, but as God is changing my heart He is heating the fire and most wondrous to see: moving my circumstances in ways only He can; it is so unmistakable.