It's Almost Autumn

It's a beautiful day in Little Rock. Huge puffy clouds in a brilliant blue sky. This morning as I got into my car, a gentle breeze blew across me face, and I thought "this is an almost autumn-like day". As I pulled out of the driveway, the local NPR station stated that the temperature was 85 degrees. You know it's been a hot summer when 85 degrees feels "autumn-like".

I am really ready for a different season though. I leave for a month-long "furlough" (although it's not really that at all) next Thursday. I'll be in the blessed state of Missouri for a whole month. It's not that I don't like Arkansas, because I do, but it's just not home.

This summer has been a struggle. I've never really doubted God's call to be here, I just wish it wasn't so difficult. Lately, I've been struggling with my singleness, loneliness, and discouragement and disappointment with certain aspects of my life on the mission field.

I talked all this over with God last night. God is pretty awesome, I'm not going to lie. My regular scripture reading for yesterday was in Hebrews 12 and earlier during the day as I was crying and praying and crying out to God, the Holy Spirit brought the verse from John 12:24 to mind. Now I know this speaks of Christ, but I think it applies to us as well. When God calls us, He bids us come die. Life from death - the conundrum of our life in Christ.

Lately my mind has been dwelling on certain good gifts that I see others enjoying that I as of yet have not had the privilege of partaking in. Am I jealous? I don't know. Maybe. Satan likes to take these longings and twist them until they are all out of proportion, until good gifts become ultimate gifts. I am a fairly reasonable person, with a pretty sound theological basis for life (and so humble too), so I know all the right answers to tell my heart when it gets unruly. However, knowing the right answers doesn't always satisfy my longings or stop my heart from getting hurt.

Last night I realized, not for the first time, that I have a lot of expectations for my life. My life doesn't look like what I was expecting, fyi. So I begin to question and doubt the presence of God's goodness in my life, and sometimes wonder if I took a wrong turn somewhere. There are those who say "if God put the desire in your heart, He will fulfill it", and I am sure there is some truth there, but I don't think it's true across the board. And I'm not sure it's true in my case, either. I struggle with it, I want to fight against it, but I need to keep reminding myself of the truth.

Someday I may look back at this time in my life and view it as a blessing. But today is not that day. Today it's a struggle to keep reminding myself of God's goodness and wisdom in giving me the gifts (yes, gifts) that He has thus far. I know He has good things planned. I know that no circumstance or situation in life is meant to give us ultimate fulfillment. Only God can do that, and only in heaven can we enjoy Him fully, as we were meant to. I am looking forward to that perfect fulfillment. And I am thankful that when I am a discouraged, and even a little bit annoyed, God is patient and pities me in my weakness. Bends, as it were, to relieve me and remind me that "in His presence is fullness of joy. At His right hand are pleasures forever more." I am working on being thankful for every good and difficult gift God gives me, because they only serve to bring me "higher up and deeper in", to make me fit to one day enjoy God as I was meant.

I feel like I've been a one-note song this year. I feel as though all of my blog posts have centered around me trying to come to terms with where I find myself in the will of God and life. Shouldn't I have moved on? Maybe, but I just haven't gotten over the need to be reminded of God's sovereign, mysterious workings in my life yet. However, I feel as though I should apologize to the two people who ever read this blog for being so boring. But, these are my struggles, and maybe I have needed this year to just struggle with these things and allow God to answer me again and again with His truth. Who knows? God is good, and I'm going to enjoy the blessings of this beautiful day in a life I did not expect.

It's almost autumn.