I Need You

Love this song by The Swift. It is perfect for a weary Thursday afternoon.



Lyrics!

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out

I need You, oh I need You
Blessed Savior come
I need You, oh I need You
Fill the every longing of my soul

Oh how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in

I need You, oh I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, oh I need You
Yahweh, how I love you more than life

Oh how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

Your silence is like death to me
So won't You hear my desperate plea?

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh how I love You Lord
I love your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That you have shown me grace

And made my heart in grace to stay
You made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay

I need You, oh I need You

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I've always had a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

And I've always really admired people who could do it, and who were merciful, since they possess qualities that I'm afraid I'll never quite master. Apparently, people don't like to be told they're full of crap.

Who knew?

However, some of those "merciful" people need a backbone. And I am happy to step in and be that for them until they finally grow one of their own. When I see people I care about being treated badly, or worse, allowing other people to treat them badly, something snaps in my head. I want them to know it's not okay to be treated badly. It's okay to call sin sin. Argh! Suddenly, I get the urge to listen to Eminem.

But I digress.

It's a delicate balance though, isn't it? Can you "love" someone to death? When is it just casting your pearls before swine? This is hard. All those Bible verse about being merciful and forgiving run through my mind. However, "forgiveness" is not a synonym for "stupid". I think we can enable the other person to continue to destroy themselves if we don't allow them to experience the consequences of their behavior. Our mercy is actually a cruelty of the worse kind.

I need wisdom. I don't want to quit before it's time. But I know I'll never give up, since I'm not depending on the other person to turn the situation around, but God, for which all things are possible. Today I thought that maybe God is allowing them to go so low, so low, that when He steps in redemption will be so amazing, so sweet, so winsome, that it will blow us all away. It will be a megaphone to shout His glory. I could use that kind of encouragement. It seems so impossible sometimes, but I don't think it's over. I think God has plans far better than I do, or can even imagine. So I'm trusting His goodness (so easy to forget when life gets overwhelming!), and believing that the best is yet to be.

I've always had a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but Lord willing, more often than not it was, and will be, because I was standing up for Something.

Hard Things

So here's what God has been teaching me lately...

I've been really convicted about all the ways I silence God's voice. God says hard things to me. They are good things, but they are hard. These things call me to change, to turn around, to repent, but they ultimately lead to my joy.

Now the word of the LORD came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, "Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me." But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD. - Jonah 1:1-3

What ways do you "flee from the presence of the Lord"? Mine are many and varied and sneaky. My heart justifies me A LOT in my sin.

I wonder why I go to such great lengths to block out God's voice? Like a little child that runs away from a scolding. It's probably because in my heart I don't really want to change, perhaps it's because the truth of God's goodness, and righteousness, and love hasn't sunk in as deeply as it should. His way leads to everlasting joy, mine leads only to death.

Anyway, like Jonah I run away from hard things. But there is no need to do that. God does tell us hard things, but it is for our lasting joy and ultimate happiness. It takes courage to continue to come to God when He calls, however, it is so worth it!

The Older Brother

I'm teaching the parable of the Prodigal Son in 5-Day Club today. I love to study and teach this beautiful story and it seems each time I go back to it, God impresses a new truth on my heart.

Today reading through the story I approached the end and came to the bit about the older brother. Why does this wonderful story of redemption end on such a bitter note? Verse 29 and 30 hit me hard as I read:

"So he answered and said to his father, "Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I have never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him."

"Who has devoured your livelihood with harlots" - yeah, that's me. I have wasted God's good gifts on my own ends. My hands have shaped idols. But I am also the older brother. "I have never transgressed your commandment at any time" - I try to earn the forgiveness and love of God by my works, as if they are anything but filthy rags. Why this flurry of activity, when God calls me to rest?

What gets me about this story is that the older and younger brother both wanted their father's things, but tried to achieve them in different ways. Was there any real love for the father in the older brother's heart, even though he stayed? I don't think so, and that scares me. I am more likely to be the older brother in this story, than the younger. Trying so desperately to earn God's favor by my works, instead of looking to the finished work of Christ.

I am clothed in His righteousness, but I still try to pull on those filthy rags. Enough striving, it only produces frustration. Instead, let me fall on the grace that is in Christ Jesus and rest, "dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne".

Struggle

I am struggling, struggling, struggling with sin in my life.

That sounds a bit too honest. I want to take it back because I would rather you didn't know I struggle to desire God above all those other (even good) things that via for my attention, get blown out of proportion, and threaten to become an idol.

My propensity to turn to other things besides God to fill my needs (especially emotional) is great.

I know that I can't just rip the idols out of my life without replacing them with Something greater, more valuable, more precious, more lovely.

I was thinking about this verse from Psalm 81 which says:

"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it."

I got out my handy Reformation Study Bible (I'm a dork) and looked up the commentary concerning this verse. It was just what I needed it hear:

"Much of Israel's history, as recorded in Joshu through Chronicles, is the story of God's people looking for satisfaction without God (yup!). If they were worried about rain, they turned to Baal (1 Kings 18). If they were worried about enemies, they wanted a strong king (1 Samuel 8). They kept forgetting they had a God who could and would fulfill all their needs easily."

Oh Lord, help me not to forget.

The Truth about Me

Note: I hesitate to post this because I don't want to cause certain brothers and sisters in Christ to stumble. But you need to know the truth: I can't live a life of holiness by the sheer force of my will. It is God's work from beginning to end. How often I have tried to clean myself up apart from God's grace. But the same grace that saves, is the grace that sanctifies. How liberating it is to leave behind all of that pretense and run to the cross of Christ as my only refuge and defense. When you're done reading this I'll meet you there.

I hate when people find out the truth about me. I prefer that they view me as some type of “super-Christian”. It’s disheartening to have to share with people who I am and where I've come from and see something very like pity cross their faces.

I’m not going to lie, for several years now I have bristled and, for lack of a better word, freaked-out, when anyone has belabored the last few years of the drama that is my family. Mostly these people have included my mother and sister.

Last week it was time to tell a few people in Arkansas the truth about me: how my alcoholic, abusive father died when I was five, how my mother re-married a man when I was seven, whom she later divorced when I was twenty-five, because as it turned out He loved porn more than his wife and children. I am still working through many issues from this eighteen year period of abuse at his hands.

When I tell people the edited version of my story I try to keep things light and happy (if such a thing is possible) and end with “God is good, and He knows what He’s doing”, which is a truth I will readily give my assent to at anytime. However, the truth is that I am deeply scarred by this deeply fallen world, with all the issues and problems such scars bring. Knowing God is in control and working all things together for good doesn’t somehow exempt me from the “work” that working through all these issues involves. How glad I am that God is reconciling and restoring this world to Himself through Jesus Christ.

I hesitate sometimes to be “real”, a real person with real issues and struggles. The main reason is sin. I am full of pharisaical pride. As I was growing up I was taught that Jesus saved you so you could live a moral life on earth and one day go to heaven. I was in training to be a little Pharisee. The person who taught me this, not with words but through example, was my porn-loving dad. He didn’t smoke, drink, or cuss. He went to church every Sunday, and placed his ten-percent in the offering plate, but never one penny more, because that’s what "good" (read: nominal) Christians did. Of course, the rest of the week they could live like hell, as God seemed not to notice the other six days of their lives. Oh, and live like hell he did. He cheated on his wife (or should I say wives, as he has had several), mentally and emotionally abused his three oldest children every single day, and resented (and as far as I know still resents) every minute of his pseudo-Christian life.

So most of my life I lived with this example of what a “good” Christian looks like on the outside, and was taught that on the inside I could be full of dead men’s bones and it was just fine with God. But it wasn't. For the past three years or so God has been completely blowing my mind with the truth of who He really is and how I am to relate to Him on the basis of that truth.

I’m so glad that since eternity God has been pursuing me for a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. I mean, that is just unbelievable. All of those years of hurt and pain, all of those hurtful, hateful words hurled at me, the snubs, and belittling that went on behind closed doors have only served to bring me to God. He has taken all of those truly horrible, sinful things and brought them into subjection in order to serve His purpose and bring me to Himself. Only a sovereign God could be capable of such a thing.

I know God did and does allow horrible things to take place in my life, and not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. What is He about? I know, because the Bible says so, God is angry with the wicked every day. God will judge my dad, as He will judge me. The question is: am I under His mercy through Jesus Christ, or under His wrath without an Advocate. I have hope through God’s Word and the witness of the Spirit that it is the former.

The summer I entered high school I went to a Christian camp and promptly fell in love with the son of a missionary. In my eyes he could do no wrong – my love for him was absolute and unconditional, until the day I heard him say “crap”. Being the son of missionary cannot always be fun. To be under the scrutiny of people at all times must be wearying. It must be something very like being an actual missionary...

Anyway, when I heard him say the forbidden word I immediately lost respect for him. How a “good” Christian could ever have a crappy day, much less use that disgusting, and decidedly “un-Christian” word to describe it was beyond me (also note this was about thirteen years ago and I was a sheltered little home-schooler. We didn't say things like that in my home. Adultery, yes. Naughty words, no). Little did I know that there would be days in my life when nothing would seem to express the way I felt like a really good cuss word (and not “crap” either. I mean a really good one).

But, you will say, what about the Bible verse which says “let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only that which is good for edification”? Oh, absolutely. That’s why I hold back most of the time (I dare not say all of the time. I have too many reliable witnesses who would be more than willing to confess to how much I love a well-chosen cuss word). But often times this restraint is motivated, not by faith in God’s love for me when He commands such behavior, but by the desire to appear admirable to people. Also, if there is anybody out there who loves me like I loved Brian Estep, I would much rather they go on loving me, than not.

All this to say that I am ready to talk about my past again; I haven’t been for a really long time. You see, I’ve been convicted lately about what a Pharisee I am. It’s so easy to slip into that mindset when no one knows your past and you can work off of how you appear now - if not really sanctified, than at least better behaved. It is wearying, and evil. I’m not advocating bad behavior for the sake of not being a Pharisee; but I am advocating that I stop putting my hope in good behavior and my own ability to live a moral life.

I want to step out of the filthy rags of self righteousness, clean out these dead bones, and cling ferociously to Jesus and His righteousness. I suck at living a moral life. Why? Because the Holy Spirit will never endorse or enable me to do it apart from Jesus. The Holy Spirit is a real big fan of Jesus, I’ve found.

In the midst of hurt, pain, and sin I thank God that He’s still drawing me to Himself through Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t give up, just relentlessly pursues me. So now you know the truth about me – a broken, messed-up, sometimes foul-mouthed sinner, who needs Jesus to keep on saving her from these things and saving her to her highest purpose: glorifying God and enjoying Him forever through and because of the person and work of Jesus Christ, and Him alone.

It is the ultimate freedom.

Sinners and Ice Cream

I'm sitting in my cubicle at the CEF office, silently willing the clock to move faster. Only a few more hours and I can officially start my weekend. Yesterday morning at 6:15 I was in the local market picking up gallons of ice cream and ice cream cones for this afternoon. It's ice cream day at school and the kids will be wildly excited, especially since they have no idea.

I like to do things like that every once in awhile just see the delighted expressions on their funny little faces. I am becoming more and more convinced that children are sinners. I mean, theologically I knew they were, but now I know experimentally. I keep telling my little charges what bad kids they are. I don't think they quite believe me though, and it seems my pronouncement of their vileness does little to dissuade them from the right belief that I still love them in spite of it. This is probably a good thing.

I wonder what kind of parent I will make? Probably a really poor one. As I experience more of God the Father I can't help but compare my faulty "parenting" style with His perfect one. For one thing, I am not patient, and I find I have to constantly remind myself to temper my discipline with gentleness. We all need a little (or a lot) of mercy sometimes and, what do you know, a gentle answer really does turn away wrath. They are still sinners, and they need Jesus to change their evil little hearts, but my responses are getting better (I hope) and in return, their responses are better. I pray that Jesus saves each one of them, though; behavior modification only works up to a certain point.

Anyway, we need ice cream today, like nobody's business. It's hot as a mug here (what does that expression even mean?) and with only one and a half more days of school left, we need a diversion if we're going to make it to the end. So ice cream, a few dozen hugs, probably some tears and fights and "Miss Jeanne, he took my legos!", and then, goodbyes, and have a nice weekend, and walking out the door, and freedom!

Rebellion and Joy

This past week has been a hard one for me, probably due to the fact that I've been living in rebellion against God. It is mostly difficult for me to accept the fact that I am a slave to Christ, so set am I on my own ways. At times I feel like Israel, rebellious from my youth. I probably feel this way because I am this way. I have been avoiding God because I don't want to deal with the areas He keeps pointing out to me. As the song says "I know just what You say to me that's why I don't ask You..." I have been avoiding my Bible and I find no comfort in prayer. I have lived with a terrible sense of uneasiness all week.

I know that God is my true Home, and walking in His purposes for me will bring me true joy. I know this, I have experienced it, so why do I long for earthly comfort and pleasure? Why am I willing to forfeit my soul to have these lesser things? I am truly a foolish child, intent on rushing headlong into destruction. Oh, but God is a gracious Father, and He tenderly reminds me of His goodness and past (and present) faithfulness. Suddenly those lesser things lose their importance and seem to be just that - lesser.

This morning in church the offertory that was played was an unfamiliar tune. I turned in my bulletin to find out the name: "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go". Although I didn't know the tune, I did know the words and they reverberated in my heart:

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in they oceans depth its flow
May richer, fuller be.

Last night as I brushed my teeth my mind replayed the sin that I knew needed to be confessed and repented of. As often happens when God brings this sin to mind, the thought "it's just so hard..." (hard to relinquish, hard to give up) popped into my mind. I had the sudden realization that this thought wasn't my own, but instead it was Satan trying to persuade me to continue in rebellion by bring up just how difficult it was to submit to God on this issue. It is hard, but I realized that, by God's grace, instead of saying "it's so hard", I could instead say, "it is my joy" (a joy to relinquish, a joy to obey).

I'm working on giving my life to God that it "may richer, fuller be". I struggle to remember that my Heavenly Father isn't interested in obedience for obedience's sake though. Instead He is interested in the source of my obedience, my heart. I often find myself in the midst of rebellion when I obey only out of a sense of duty, and not out of love, a love that finds it's ultimate source in God's love for me. I have a gracious Father who is interested in my heart. It seems that it would be a good idea to trust a Love like that and relinquish - gladly - what He asks of me. Actually, I think that's the key: gladness. Perhaps He gently pursues me until I am glad to give what He asks.

I pray this coming week will find me obeying with a glad heart. I want that richer, fuller life (and I can't help pointing out that this desire, so far removed from any goodness found in me, is the outworking of the new heart God promises to each one of His children. Yay, Jesus!) and I know that it can only be found in the purposes of God for me. Purposes much different than I would chose, true, but completely perfect for me. In Psalm 16 it says "their sorrows will be multiplied who hasten after other gods". This I have found to be true. The verse then goes onto say "their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, not take up their names on my lips" and by the grace of God, I'm trusting that this will also be true of my life, not only in the coming week, but for all eternity.

Pet Theology

I've been convicted lately of my tendency to point out error instead of pointing out Truth. It seems that I am one of those whom Jude spoke of as constantly "finding fault". I think this is a matter of focus. When I focus on ways I can "get rid" of sin this tendency only seems to lead me deeper into it. When I lift my eyes from sin to fix them on the Cross I find the truth of 1 John 1:7: "...the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." It's not that I am unaware of sin when this shift in focus comes. Indeed, I am all the more aware that in me and others "no good thing dwells", but a fixed gaze on the Cross seems to accomplish more than any act of mine ever could.

As I find myself constantly frustrated at the state of apostasy in Christendom I have two options: come in with both guns of my "right" theology blazing or point to the Cross. I am more often guilty of the former, than the later. It is easier to hold up my own "pet" theology as the standard for everyone else's behavior then it is to hold up the Cross which, as I do, reveals my own very real inadequacies. It would seem that sometimes my pet theology is only pride masking itself so I won't recognize it. I may be over-simplifying important truths, but today my heart just cries out for the sufficiency of the Cross over and above those less important (not unimportant) issues.

"Rid me of myself, I belong to You..."