It's Almost Autumn

It's a beautiful day in Little Rock. Huge puffy clouds in a brilliant blue sky. This morning as I got into my car, a gentle breeze blew across me face, and I thought "this is an almost autumn-like day". As I pulled out of the driveway, the local NPR station stated that the temperature was 85 degrees. You know it's been a hot summer when 85 degrees feels "autumn-like".

I am really ready for a different season though. I leave for a month-long "furlough" (although it's not really that at all) next Thursday. I'll be in the blessed state of Missouri for a whole month. It's not that I don't like Arkansas, because I do, but it's just not home.

This summer has been a struggle. I've never really doubted God's call to be here, I just wish it wasn't so difficult. Lately, I've been struggling with my singleness, loneliness, and discouragement and disappointment with certain aspects of my life on the mission field.

I talked all this over with God last night. God is pretty awesome, I'm not going to lie. My regular scripture reading for yesterday was in Hebrews 12 and earlier during the day as I was crying and praying and crying out to God, the Holy Spirit brought the verse from John 12:24 to mind. Now I know this speaks of Christ, but I think it applies to us as well. When God calls us, He bids us come die. Life from death - the conundrum of our life in Christ.

Lately my mind has been dwelling on certain good gifts that I see others enjoying that I as of yet have not had the privilege of partaking in. Am I jealous? I don't know. Maybe. Satan likes to take these longings and twist them until they are all out of proportion, until good gifts become ultimate gifts. I am a fairly reasonable person, with a pretty sound theological basis for life (and so humble too), so I know all the right answers to tell my heart when it gets unruly. However, knowing the right answers doesn't always satisfy my longings or stop my heart from getting hurt.

Last night I realized, not for the first time, that I have a lot of expectations for my life. My life doesn't look like what I was expecting, fyi. So I begin to question and doubt the presence of God's goodness in my life, and sometimes wonder if I took a wrong turn somewhere. There are those who say "if God put the desire in your heart, He will fulfill it", and I am sure there is some truth there, but I don't think it's true across the board. And I'm not sure it's true in my case, either. I struggle with it, I want to fight against it, but I need to keep reminding myself of the truth.

Someday I may look back at this time in my life and view it as a blessing. But today is not that day. Today it's a struggle to keep reminding myself of God's goodness and wisdom in giving me the gifts (yes, gifts) that He has thus far. I know He has good things planned. I know that no circumstance or situation in life is meant to give us ultimate fulfillment. Only God can do that, and only in heaven can we enjoy Him fully, as we were meant to. I am looking forward to that perfect fulfillment. And I am thankful that when I am a discouraged, and even a little bit annoyed, God is patient and pities me in my weakness. Bends, as it were, to relieve me and remind me that "in His presence is fullness of joy. At His right hand are pleasures forever more." I am working on being thankful for every good and difficult gift God gives me, because they only serve to bring me "higher up and deeper in", to make me fit to one day enjoy God as I was meant.

I feel like I've been a one-note song this year. I feel as though all of my blog posts have centered around me trying to come to terms with where I find myself in the will of God and life. Shouldn't I have moved on? Maybe, but I just haven't gotten over the need to be reminded of God's sovereign, mysterious workings in my life yet. However, I feel as though I should apologize to the two people who ever read this blog for being so boring. But, these are my struggles, and maybe I have needed this year to just struggle with these things and allow God to answer me again and again with His truth. Who knows? God is good, and I'm going to enjoy the blessings of this beautiful day in a life I did not expect.

It's almost autumn.

Hard Things

So here's what God has been teaching me lately...

I've been really convicted about all the ways I silence God's voice. God says hard things to me. They are good things, but they are hard. These things call me to change, to turn around, to repent, but they ultimately lead to my joy.

Now the word of the LORD came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, "Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me." But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD. - Jonah 1:1-3

What ways do you "flee from the presence of the Lord"? Mine are many and varied and sneaky. My heart justifies me A LOT in my sin.

I wonder why I go to such great lengths to block out God's voice? Like a little child that runs away from a scolding. It's probably because in my heart I don't really want to change, perhaps it's because the truth of God's goodness, and righteousness, and love hasn't sunk in as deeply as it should. His way leads to everlasting joy, mine leads only to death.

Anyway, like Jonah I run away from hard things. But there is no need to do that. God does tell us hard things, but it is for our lasting joy and ultimate happiness. It takes courage to continue to come to God when He calls, however, it is so worth it!

The Love of God, A Prayer

Our Father, which art in heaven, we Thy children are often troubled in mind, hearing within us at once the affirmations of faith and the accusations of conscience. We are sure that there is in us nothing that could attract the love of the One as holy and as just as Thou art. Yet Thou hast declared Thine unchanging love for us in Christ Jesus. If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved.

Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved. Help us to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found us. Then love will cast out fear; and our troubled hearts will be ar peace, trusting not in what we are but in what Thou hast declared Thyself to be. Amen.

A.W. Tozer, 1897-1963